Marriage

Since last week there’s been a lot of talk about marriage in the news. To start, Prince William and Kate Middleton (whose stunning white coat is on my personal Christmas shopping list – if I can ever find it:)) announced that they got engaged last month, sparking worldwide buzz about a royal wedding now set for April 29. And there’s been talk of marriages ending– take Eva Longoria filing for divorce following husband Tony Parker’s alleged infidelity captured by text message.

But the most striking marriage “news” for me last week was the release of a Pew Research/Time Magazine Poll finding that four in 10 Americans say that marriage is becoming obsolete. The study spurred serious thought about how even unmarried followers of Christ should view matrimony.

The “four-in-ten” figure was not the only noteworthy number from the study. Adults ages 18-29 were the subcategory surveyed that was most likely to say marriage was becoming obsolete - 44 percent of them agreed with the statement (as compared to 34 percent of adults ages 50-64). Further, while overall 44 percent of participants said they had lived with a partner without being married, 57 percent of 30-to-49 year-olds had. Additionally, U.S. Census Data released in September showed that 52 percent of adults 18 and over were unmarried – an “all-time low.”

Other relevant factors surrounding the Poll responses are the high divorce rate, of which "Gen Xers,” the most likely to cohabitate, were the first children to experience; the rise of single-parent families and live-in couples with children, the growing number of same-sex couples.

The Biblical Blueprint

How are Followers of Christ supposed to view marriage, even in our world? In Hebrews 13, the last chapter of the Book, general advice about Christian living is provided. Verses 1-3 exhort readers to cultivate kindness, hospitality and compassion. Verse 4 then admonishes of matrimony:

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (NIV)

“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge." (NKJV)

Such a loaded description in one short sentence! I began studying the verse by looking at my commentary. A single sentence was provided for it: “The writer…call[s] for sexual purity in which marriage is held in high regard.” The Bible Knowledge Commentary, Zane C. Hodges, Hebrews, p. 811 (1983). While the description of the verse sums up what in means to honor marriage using those two words I love so much (fyi, “sexual purity”:)), they also got me thinking about how as Christians often we still fail to esteem marriage from a biblical perspective even while pursuing purity.

“Marriage Should Be Honored By All”

I want to dissect this first part of the verse. What does it mean to “honor” marriage? To start, as Christians whatever we honor – and everything we do – should bring God glory. From this perspective, marriage is a way of glorifying God. But often, marriage is viewed chiefly in relationship to self gratification rather than as a means for His name to be lifted.

It is more than possible for Christians to esteem the institution of marriage but not honor it as God intends. For example, marriage is often seen as paramount for personal happiness. Married people are “grateful to have someone to spend their lives with.” Single people desire to get married to achieve the companionship that married people have (and married folks are also often willing to “help” others overcome the “misery” of singleness with matchmaking). For many, comprehension of biblical teaching on marriage can be summarized by one part of one verse: “it is not good for man to be alone.”

Marriage also is seen, even among Christ followers, as the final item on a long checklist of “dos,” or “Destination Settlement,” if you will. It is put off until all the necessary “bargaining” chips are on the table: “a” degree,” “x “ job, “y” financial situation.

The Standard, Our World

While companionship is an element of God’s design for marriage – and we should not go into marriage without any thought for how we can provide for the physical and emotional needs of our families – if these factors are the driving forces of our views on marriage we land no different from the world’s ways of esteeming marriage.

In the Pew Research Poll, despite the sentiment among participants that marriage was becoming obsolete (and the high rate of failed marriages), still 67 percent had a positive outlook on the future of marriage and family – higher than perceptions about the future of education and the economy (although I question how useful that tidbit is). And the survey indicated that although the number of married people between the ages of 18-29 has dramatically decreased, the majority of people do end up married at some point later in life. More than 90 percent of survey participants over the age of 40 were currently – or had been- married. Further, 60 percent of couples living together said that they wanted to get married. Additionally, close to 70 percent said families were happiest when both husband and wife are contributing financially. But if we square the positive perceptions about marriage against the reality in our world, there is no indication that any of these factors will necessarily produce healthy marriages.

Practicing Regard

How do we hold marriage in high regard as God intends – and go beyond how the world sees it— even when we’re unmarried? I have answered this question many times on this blog, but given the number of times that we make the same mistakes about not honoring marriage in dating, I do not think I am being unnecessarily redundant.

Plainly, one way we can honor marriage while single is by who we choose to date. If we recognize that marriage is chiefly for God’s glory, not our own gratification, then we will not waste our time on anyone with whom God is not getting glory. But this requires more than just dating a person who is “Christian.” About 80 percent of Americans profess to be “Christian” (albeit with varying definitions). But Jesus said this in Luke 9:23 about the true definition of a disciple of Christ:

“If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”

The only “Christian” that makes a difference in this life is the Christ follower who lives every day for God, pressing toward the ultimate goal of life in heaven with Him. If you cannot be confident that another person is a true, unbending follower of Christ – pushing toward the mark, wherever they may be spiritually – then they are not the person to be dating. And if we profess Christ and are not living as Christ followers, our first priority should be to take time out from dating to cultivate a stronger relationship with God, knowing that He will honor our commitment to Him and can bring another Christ follower in His timing.

Imagine how much drama would be eliminated in dating if we stopped judging people’s relationship potential by human merit! We would no longer entertain dates merely because they are “a really nice person” or a “good man” or “good woman,” “have a great personality,” “are fun to be around,” “have a lot in common” with us…the list goes on!

To really practice Christ-follower only dating, we must have the faith that reminds us that God can provide all of those great tangibles and “intangibles,” and does! Jesus made the same “Luke 9:23” statement about the definition of a Christ follower several times in the Gospels. It also was followed with this statement, “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:24).

When we give up our limiting human desires in dating, we gain a heavenly perspective that is far beyond what we can see with our own eyes or efforts. I had an awesome reminder from a book I read recently: “God cares more about whom you marry than you do.” If God calls us to marriage, He is more than capable of providing someone as we seek His face. We honor marriage as God intends by resting in this truth rather than making failed attempts at creating love.

Once we grasp the concept that we need to be with Christ followers, then we can seek God’s glory in the relationship. While narrowing the sphere of people we date to Christ followers takes us in the right direction, not every relationship with one would necessarily bring God the most glory. As I have shared from my own experience, we must grasp that God wants us with people whose purposes and passions allow us to serve God better together than apart. From this perspective, the purpose of a relationship with a Christ follower should be to determine whether that is what God wills. Dating with this direction allows us to honor marriage in a way those who do not know Christ cannot.

The God of Sex (Pure, Undefiled)

We also honor marriage as God intends by allowing sex to be His. The rest of Hebrews 13:4 says that sex His way involves a marriage bed that is “pure” (NIV) and “undefiled” (NKJV), and that God will judge adulterers and the sexually immoral. We dishonor God by taking this warning lightly. Yes, God is merciful, but we also suffer the consequences of making decisions that disobey his commands. In this context, I think the state of marriages in our society is a result of not taking sexual immorality seriously (and the Pew survey attests to this).

To honor sex in marriage as God intends while unmarried – as pure, undefiled – we must begin by honoring romantic touch at all. Often, when people, including Christians, express regret for having (consensual) sex when they did not plan to, it is often said that “it just happened.” But in reality, it had already begun to happen once there was a decision to act on arousal. When we give into our physical desires, we threaten our ability to make choices with our spiritual minds. And when we allow physical passion to take over, we cannot predict what will happen.

In situations when we cross God-honoring boundaries, we take God’s warning about sexual immorality seriously by confessing the sin and stopping it immediately. First John 1:9 reminds us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” When we quit the sin, we allow God to help us to get back on track with the commitment to which we’re called.

Our first aim should be obedience. Honoring the marriage bed in dating requires setting defensive limits. The question is often asked, “how far is too far?” The more we gain in understanding of what it means to honor marriage as it relates to sex, however, the less likely we are to ask that question. While comprehension of sex as God intends will still cause us to deliberate about where to set a boundary, we’ll do it in light of a different question – "how much can I save?”

My Choice

By God’s grace I’ve really come to understand the meaning of saving romance as a way of honoring the marriage bed. As I’ve mentioned before, I have made serious commitments in this area. I am not presenting my boundaries as the ultimate, only right standard, but as a testimony of how we can honor God through boundaries – and really live in the process.

Regarding physical touch, I am careful how I how interact with the opposite sex and have committed to saving all my kisses for the man who God may have for me. In our world touch is often taken very casually, even between Christian men and women in both friendships and dating. We rub each other’s backs, hug and flirt by touching each other. While I do not believe all touch between sexes is wrong – some non-romantic touch can be positively affirming – I think often lines are crossed that should not be. Personally, if a man tries to cross a boundary I have set with touch, for example, by hugging me too closely— intentionally or unintentionally, I visibly pull away and, where necessary, voice my objection as politely as possible. Sometimes people get offended, but I consider protecting the boundaries I have set for God more important than mildly stepping on someone’s toes.

I also have committed to saving romance for a serious dating relationship (or “courtship”) and marriage. We women often want men whom we are only dating –or men who are just trying to date us – to “sweep us off our feet” from the beginning by romancing us with things such as flowers, special trips and expensive gifts. But I’ve come to believe that, most often, lavish displays of affection early on can be superficial, and, worse, cloud our judgment. They can make us open our hearts to a man based on shallow impressions rather than on the important, substantive matters, such as a man’s spiritual condition, his lifestyle – how the two of you fit spiritually. Discerning a person’s character takes time, and I want the romance part only after I have done the hard work of discovering another, and after seeing God move a relationship toward lifelong commitment.

I also value the man whom God may have for me in marriage so much that I do not want to do anything in a casual dating relationship that would cause he – or my God – to disapprove. In a dating relationship I like for a man to feel like there’s someone keeping a little distance – or mystery - between us, not that I’m two-timing him – but that he has to be on his best behavior because God – and the man whom He may have for me, are holding him accountable. And if a man I date is ultimately that husband, he will understand all the more how much I treasured him before I knew him as Him.

Liberty

Setting serious limits can be seen as unrealistic or extreme, but in reality I have found them freeing. I am much more able to judge a man’s personality and spiritual condition – I never have to wonder what a man’s intentions are toward me. I’m also not tempted to entertain a man because of what he might do for me – he can’t sway me with words or things. Also, men who can’t hang with my standards naturally fall away – further eliminating drama. And because of the limits set, I know how to have a great time with a man – and make him feel special – without using my feminine charm for evil. And what’s also awesome is that I avoid being brokenhearted or living with regret. Jesus said in John 10:10 that he came to give us full, abundant lives. He did this by showing us The Way. When we walk in it, there is nothing more liberating!

Conclusion

Repeating Hebrews 13:4 provides the best reflection for conclusion: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” That’s advice that’s more trustworthy than anything our world can give. I pray that all of us as Christ followers esteem this advice, heed its warning – and experience the blessings that come with it.

Dr. Marsh's Wedding in the Washington Post

More for The Revolution - Click on the title of this blog post to see The Post's coverage of Dr. Marsh's Wedding...One for the Kingdom!

Love is Not Easily Angered

This week we focused on love being slow to get angry (1 Corinthians 13:5). The main passage was James 1:19-20, which reminded me of a blog entry I did on my challenges in the area as part of my “Words” series. I discussed the verses. You can revisit here if you care to. Here’s a link to the message…Enjoy!

In the Field

Right now I’m working on an exciting project related to the passion of my heart – planning a roundtable on living purity.

The event will be the second in what I pray is an ongoing conversation on the topic. The first was a ladies’ tea party this past summer. At the end of that event we vowed to continue our dialogue.

Recently, friends and I got together to put plans for Part Two in motion. This one will be a larger scale and for both men and women, to take place in a couple months. We’re really working to make the program fresh, relevant and challenging for other young adult Followers of Christ.

One way we’ve been aiming to encourage believers of our generation through the program is by distributing a survey on topics related to sex, sexuality, and the church that will help us plan (which you can fill out here if you haven’t already). We’ve gotten several dozen responses that have been enthusiastic about exploring the topic.

What has been fascinating for me about the results so far is that men and women have been naming the same factors as challenges to abstaining from premarital sex, in particular. There’s also agreement that, no surprise, doing so is counter to our world. It’s also clear that people of God of our generation are hungry for a new, more candid conversation on sex, sexuality – and living purity generally – that goes beyond where the church tends to end the dialogue.

The results also have really burdened my heart in a way I hadn’t expected. God is really using them to help me understand the pulse of other young Christ followers, and how I can be used in an area that God has given me a heart for (and receive encouragement in the process!).

Several times in The Gospels it is noted that Jesus would look at crowds of people and be overwhelmed with compassion for them. In Matthew 9, during one of those moments, he said to His disciples: “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” (v. 37-38).

I see the “harvest field” in the area of purity an avenue for God’s people to grow in faith, hope and love. Through the pursuit we grow in faith because we learn that what God has prepared for us, as it relates to purity and beyond, is greater than we can fathom, sight unseen. We grow in hope, because our outlook on love, sex, relationships and more – becomes shaped by His Word at work in us rather than society’s views. We learn to live different because we expect the best from God as we seek His face. We grow in love, because we learn the most excellent way of putting others’ wellbeing ahead of our own desires. And, ultimately, we become more like Christ.

I’m looking forward to the next couple months of sowing into His Field in area so in need of workers. I’ll be blogging about any related topics that come to mind during the process. And, prayerfully, the Lord of the Harvest will grow the seeds.

Love is Not Selfish

Another great Love Revolution message. We started with the statement from 1 Corinthians 13:5 that "love is not selfish." Again, the passage that provided the greatest reflection for me came from Philippians Chapter 2, which we also covered. Verses 3-4 state, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

It is human nature to seek our own, but agape love requires the opposite. Philippians 2:5 provides the epitome of selflessness in the person of Jesus, who we are to emulate: "In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus." The rest of the passage, some of it shared last week, reads:

6 Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider
equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!
9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

In learning to consider others better than ourselves, let's be reminded of the Savior's ultimate example. Here's the Revolution message on Unselfish Love...

The Greatness of Our God

I’ve been meditating on this awesome song from a CD not-so-incidentally called “Love Revolution” by Christian Artist Natalie Grant. The track, “The Greatness of Our God,” is a worship song. The chorus is as follows:

No sky contains,
no doubt restrains all You are,
the greatness of our God
I'll spend my life to know
And I'm far from close to all You are,
the greatness of our God

There are several of God's qualities that floor me most often. One that I’ve shared before is "The God of The Universe wants a relationship with me." Another that I’ve been mulling as a result of listening to this song is His consistency. There is never a time when God will not treat us lovingly – even in discipline. Nor is there ever a time when He does not want to hear from us. And He always keeps His word. Numbers 23:19 summarizes His consistent character as compared to ours:

God is not human, that he should lie,
not a human being, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?

This aspect of God’s greatness makes me resolve to be constant in my relationships with others. We live in a world where word often means very little. We say one thing, our actions another. And even at our best, circumstances occur out of our control that keep us from doing what we say. Yet the more that we walk in Him, the more we learn to keep our word. With His strength, we make every effort to do what we say despite our human limits.

Lines in “The Greatness of Our God” also speak to the reach of God’s steady, unending love:

And there is nothing that could ever separate us,
No, there is nothing that could ever separate us from Your love.
No life, no death, of this I am convinced
You, my God, are greater still.

I found a YouTube clip of “The Greatness of Our God" that incorporates pictures highlighting God’s power. I encourage you to watch and listen.

Our God is Awesome – Great!

Love Is Not Rude

This week's message was on love not being rude (1 Corinthians 13:5). We looked briefly at some of the different translations of the attribute:
-"Love does not act unbecomingly" (NASB)
-"Love does not dishonor others" (NIV)
-"Love does not behave rudely/is not rude" (NKJV/New Living Translation)

The theme: ignoring societal conventions of interaction can affect our witness. In the beginning several examples were given: e.g., rolling eyes; ignoring people; cutting people off. I found it an interesting look at applying the biblical mandate to love to our context.

I was reminded of Jesus' example of following "convention" by coming to earth in our form. Philippians 2: 8 says, "And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross" (KJV). I thought of Jesus not being rude by adapting himself to our way of life - coming to earth in "fashion" as a man, where he could have chosen to interact with us in some lofty way that rejected all worldly customs. In a way, by not being rude, we also avoid being proud.

Let's show love by interacting with others in a way that seeks not to offend, and live out the Love Reformation. Here's the message on love not being rude...

Open Letter To The Revolution (Congrats, Dr. Lindsay!)

Yesterday I attended the wedding of Dr. Lindsay Marsh, President and Founder of Worth the Wait Revolution, the organization I’m part of that promotes purity among young adults. I was ecstatic about going because so many – including myself – have been encouraged by Dr. Marsh’s shining example of living purity.

The wedding was beautiful! By far the best moment – one the entire church cheered – was the couple’s very first kiss, which happened when they were pronounced husband and wife (they didn't announce it as their inaugural lip lock, but we all knew the story)! I am praying Dr. Lindsay and Gareth – now Mr. and Mrs. Gareth Warren – had not just a wonderful night (wink!), but also have a fun, amazing life serving God together. I am sobered by the words of The Apostle Paul in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7:

“3It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. 7For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.”

As I’ve said many times, living purity is about so much more than avoiding sex. It is about breathing, walking, discerning - God’s plans for our lives. The pursuit is essential to a deep, daily journey with Christ.

I can think of no better way to commemorate this joyous occasion here than to ponder the meaning of purity – probably not afresh, as I hit the topic often, but anew as a chance to be reminded of what it means to live it. Below is text I prepared for a ladies’ gathering on purity this summer. I only informally shared the words, but I will formally now. The questions addressed were 1) What Is Purity; 2) Why Do I Pursue It and 3) How Do I Pursue It? I emphasized the first question: "What is Purity?”

Considering my story, I am humbled by God’s love, power and forgiveness. Just this week I randomly clicked on a blog entry from 2007, during which I “debated” whether to get my first purity ring. In the entry I also shared my feelings of discomfort about discussing my pursuit of purity, one reason fear of others’ reactions. Honestly, I had no recollection of ever having said that (how quickly we forget thangs! But for His mercy...)! My position then – compared to now - really highlights just how much God has grown me. Now I am so burdened to live purity that I cannot keep the pursuit to myself!

I can say, honestly, that joining The Revolution without reservation has allowed me to see God constantly refine me as I learn the meaning of "putting to death" the most earthly, selfish desires for sanctified, heavenly ones. To all those who are part of the Purity Revolution – and future members - who pursue God’s will that we learn to control our bodies, holy and honorably, this open letter of reflection is to encourage you in this Highest of callings…

I. WHAT IS PURITY?

A. Purity Starts with the Heart ("Inward Purity")

When I’m asked “what is purity?” my literary training immediately makes me think I need to provide a neat, Webster-like definition. One denotation our society – including Christians, tends to use, is, of course, someone who has never had sex.

But even this generally accepted definition can raise questions. For example, what if you’ve had oral sex, but not “direct” intercourse? Forgive me if I sound crass, but this is the kind of debate we get into when we define purity based on the world’s standards. When we turn to God’s Word, however, it has a much clearer – and deeper – meaning with more rich descriptions than Webster can fit for any one word.

Purity is, first of all, a heart condition. Although it does require refraining from some physical activities - including sex, oral or otherwise, it also means adopting a particular lifestyle. The Psalmist addresses the holistic nature of purity in Psalm 119: 9 -11:

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your Word. I seek you with all my heart, do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against God.”

By living as Christ commands, we learn how to have pure hearts. Proverbs 4 calls the heart the wellspring of life – the seat of our emotion from which all other aspects of our lives flow. The Bible also says what is in our hearts is reflected in our thoughts. Proverbs 23 says that we are what we think in our hearts.

Whether we are pure from the heart is related to what we fill our minds with. We can fail to live purity by our thoughts alone. Maybe we are consumed with fantasizing about how we can get sexual pleasure. Or maybe the only reason we’re not having sex outside God’s boundaries of marriage is because the right guy – or any guy – hasn’t come along.

We also cannot be pure from the heart if we are filled with bitterness or anger about romantic love - or anything else. Maybe we are not having sex or anything like it, but we are so discontent about not having a man – or disillusioned by the whole love thing – that we resent God.

A woman with a pure heart learns to be hopeful – free from the world’s cynicism or distortions about sex or love. Purity recognizes that God has the power to accomplish anything in love and marriage regardless of what society focuses on - the ratio of single men to women; the divorce rate; how many people around her are in relationships while she is single. She also doesn’t see sex as “dirty,” but recognizes that God made it to be a wonderful, fascinating and free experience within the bounds of a marriage orchestrated by God.

B. Calling All

If purity starts from the heart, then no one is disqualified from it based on having made certain outward decisions, including having had sex. Just as when we pray to ask Jesus to save us from sin we are given new life in Christ, so when we choose purity a rebirth from within occurs regardless of the physical decisions we have made– or even where our hearts have been.

When we define purity by “patting ourselves on the back” for what we haven’t done –or beating ourselves up for what we have done –we forget that it, like salvation, comes through Christ – we can’t earn it – it is accomplished only by His power.

Romans 8: 1-2 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”

In Christ, we have true freedom – including the freedom to pursue purity regardless of our pasts. We don’t need to walk in guilt, because we have already been forgiven.

C. Outward Purity

Once we make the inward commitment to purity, then it flows to making outward choices that radiate the inner.

To the woman walking in purity, the inward and outward are one. She sets her mind on Christ not just through the channels we often think of – prayer, reading and memorizing Scripture, and fellowship with other Christians – but does so with the intent to be pure in all she does. She asks God, as I open my heart to you, help me make decisions that honor you not just as it relates to sex, but everything I do. She is always striving, with His Strength, to reach new heights in her relationship with God.

When it comes to relationships with men, a woman living purity does not cross lines, cut corners or ride edges. She never asks the question, “how far can I go physically and still be called ‘pure?’” A woman living pure doesn’t have to figure out whether oral sex is intercourse, because she’s not having it anyway. She doesn’t worry about whether it’s okay for her to take off her blouse when she’s with him, or for him to reach under there, because she’s not interested in giving any of herself to anyone – except The One – no matter how small. She's not interested in flaunting her body, because she's not looking for male attention - nor does she gain her confidence from wearing little. She flees even the appearance of evil.

A woman living in purity does ask, how much can I save? She’s willing to make commitments that the world says are stupid or unrealistic, like not kissing in relationship, for example – not because she gets supposed brownie points with God – she doesn’t, but so her evaluation of the guy she's dating isn’t clouded by the physical. So she doesn’t take her focus away from the God says she loves so much – so she doesn’t sin against Him. So she can save her best for God’s best – single or married. So she can pursue holiness.

II. WHY DO I PURSUE IT?

I have chosen to pursue purity because I believe that it is a key aspect of growing in my relationship with God – especially as a young woman. And the Word of God teaches me that I should be pursuing it right now. The Apostle Paul constantly exhorted Timothy, a young pastor of the church in Ephesus, to devote himself to purity: In 1 Timothy 4:12 he said– “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”

Sex drives so much of our culture, especially as young women, but we’re called to be driven by pursuing Christ. When I give God my whole self – my heart, my mind, my body – my being – I present myself as the living sacrifice to which I am called to be in Christ.

III. HOW DO I PURSUE IT?

The greatest lesson I am learning about purity right now is that if God is not the first love of my life – I cannot love anyone – a man or otherwise – the way I want to. Without constant pursuit of Him, I fall short in my love for others.

As it relates to men, The Apostle Paul also has given governing advice that I follow. In 1 Timothy 5: 1-2, he admonished Timothy: “Treat younger men as brothers, 2older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” I have learned the importance of treating all Siblings in Christ of the opposite sex as I would my brothers, even a love interest. I strive to be most concerned with their spiritual health rather than my own desires. I watch how I dress and interact with them. I also guard my romantic emotion for when love fully awakens.

Our world tells us that freedom comes through “experimenting,” sexual or otherwise. Our God tells us that freedom is in pursuing His commands, set out in His Word. I am 28, living purity, and, as we say in an organization promoting purity that I belong to, “I am worth the Wait!” Through pursuing purity, I am living the abundant life Jesus intends for me. And I am truly free.

For The Revolution,

Seyi

Love is Not Jealous or Arrogant

I’m passing on the last two weeks of the “Love Revolution” Series. Last week’s was on love not being jealous. Today was about love not being boastful or arrogant (1 Corinthians 13:4). I think both messages have been powerful looks at the issues. I’ll be doing a separate entry on love not being jealous, but here are the insightful messages on jealousy and arrogance…

Love is Kind

This week the message from my church’s “Love Revolution” Series was on love being kind (1 Corinthians 13:4). For me the part that stood out most was when kindness was defined from the Greek. It was described as “to show oneself mild,” derived from another word that means “to be useful in the form of benevolence or [doing] good deeds for people.” It also was described as the kind of love that “moves itself to action, not just being happy or smiling.”

The descriptions were such a good reminder that Love should be viewed as a verb – something we express by doing rather than just saying. As Romans 5: 8 points out, God’s love for us was demonstrated with the act of sending His son to die for us. He didn’t just say He loved us – He showed us. In 1 John 3, verse 18, we are admonished: “let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”

Further, in many ways kindness relates to giving. Like giving, it must be unconditional. It is a disposition that exudes love tangibly.

Words can be very easy to utter, but actions, much more costly. Let’s not just pay lip service to love, but instead let it flow from what we do. After all, He, the Ultimate Example of Love, is proactive with His. Here’s the Love Revolution Message on Kindness.

Giving

“Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” ~ 2 Corinthians 9:7

If I created a list of the Top Ten Verses God has used to impact my life the most consistently (which I probably will do at some point:)), 2 Corinthians 9:7 would be on it. It summarizes so beautifully how we are to approach all aspects of giving.

Learning The Verse

I remember 2 Corinthians 9:7 being a memory verse in early elementary school that stayed with me. My teacher reiterated that we should give whatever we have – a little or more – from our hearts, without complaint.

I’ve also watched my parents model this verse so well. Unfortunately, in our world giving is marked with so many conditions. Yet if we gave from our hearts, without reservation, we’d experience God’s amazing intent for us – and our world – in giving.

There are several principles on giving derived from 2 Corinthians 9 and others’ examples that God has really used in my own life that I will share.

Giving Should Not Be About What We Have

If we look at giving from God’s perspective, it begins with a willing heart. However, many people think it starts with what you possess. We often think that we cannot give – in time, talents, money or otherwise – if we have what we perceive as very little. But the problem is that getting more does not cure the lack of a heart to give. Even if we gain more resources but have “poor” attitudes toward giving, our gains will still result in stinginess, or giving reluctantly or under compulsion. And when we give out of obligation, or not at all, God is not pleased.

Second Corinthians 9: 6, 8-11 highlights that when we give out of our hearts, and generously – God blesses our giving. At the same time, those who give reluctantly will not see boon from giving:

6Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.

8And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 9As it is written:

"He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor;
his righteousness endures forever."

10Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.

11You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.

Some of us are waiting to get more before we give more, missing the fact that when we give, even in want, God, The Giver of All Good and Perfect Things, takes care of the getting. This is all the more reason our hearts should be sincerely open to giving regardless of our circumstances.

Giving Should Not Be About Convenience Or What We Can Get

This principle is related to the first. However, I separate the two because at times we may give in a way that seems generous outwardly but still be motivated– in whole or part – by self. For example, we might give for recognition, an opportunity for more wealth in the future – or to earn someone’s affection. Unfortunately, our society breeds this kind of giving in several ways, the most prominent in my mind relating to giving for financial gain in the form of a tax break.

Tax–Exempt Status?

Many people are motivated to give more generously because it will profit their bottom line at the end of the year. While I do not think it is necessarily wrong to consider whether an organization has 501(c)(3) status in giving, being motivated by financial gain – or even the dual rationale of helping an organization while also helping ourselves – can often disregard the fact that God may call us to generosity where no financial benefit is involved.

For example, a friend may need help with moving expenses. Someone we know might have an unexpectedly large hospital bill not covered by insurance, and we’re in a position to help. Or, a donation may be required for a special gift for a close friend celebrating a milestone. If we give monetarily only when it gets us a financial reward, in those instances we may give less than what God intends – and miss out on being used by Him to benefit someone else.

God’s call for us to generosity is not limited by a tax break – so we shouldn’t be, either.

Giving Should Not Be An Exercise In Counting

Regarding the idea of not giving reluctantly, another negative way of giving is keeping score of our gifts. Keeping count means marking – mentally or otherwise –the fact that we gave to use it against someone later, intentionally or unintentionally. This often happens when we give under mistaken expectations, or where we felt obligated to give despite the fact that we did not really want to – or where we were actually unable to.

Examples: We signed up to be on a committee that we thought would involve “x” number of hours, but it’s really taking up more time than expected. We let someone charge something on our credit card, and now it’s due and we have to pay for it. Or we gave something to someone close to us, but only so they would leave us alone in the future – but they’re asking us for more again.

In considering what it means to be a cheerful giver – even in the circumstances described – the dictionary is helpful:

Giving (Verb): “to present voluntarily and without expecting compensation”

Gift (Noun):

“something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance.”

“something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned”

Note the words in bold. Because giving, monetarily or otherwise, is defined as a voluntary exercise, it is to be undertaken that way. I have a motto derived from 2 Corinthians 9:7: “when I give, I forfeit my right to complain about it.”

Someone didn’t appreciate my gift? Well, I chose to give it to them. They had the chance to get me something in a similar situation, and gave me nothing? I’ve already lost my right to whine about it. Someone tries to ask me for more, on top of what I gave, when they don’t deserve it? So what, the gift was undeserved – and I do not have to give another. If I am to give cheerfully, whole-heartedly, as God requires – I must always give without reservation.

Some may protest this motto. But an important note is that 2 Corinthians 9:7 should also make us more thoughtful about our giving.

Giving Wisely

Whenever I am in a situation where I am about to give something that is particularly costly, in time, money or otherwise, I ask myself, “will I have a grudge against someone if the gift is not accepted – or returned – the way I desire?” If the answer is yes or maybe, I pray for God to search my motive for the reservation. If the motivation is selfish, God shows me that, and I am able to correct the behavior and give freely, despite my initial reservation. If there is a legitimate reason not to give, however, I choose not to rather than complain later.

Regarding choosing not to give, saying no in some instances is important so that we can give freely in instances when we should give. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 4:23. I’ll provide it in several versions:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (NIV)

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. (NKJV)

Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life. (NASB)

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (NLT)

In the context of giving this verse is important because we are to do so from our hearts, the seat of our emotion. When we give grudgingly, it impacts our hearts and thus, our ability to give as God intends. As a result, we must avoid giving in circumstances where it cannot be heartfelt.

Some instances where we may choose not to give? One, when we do not have the resources. We may have $1100, and need all but 100 of those dollars for rent – yet someone tells us they need $800. Or someone wants you to co sign on a loan on which you would not have the ability to pay if that person defaulted. In those instances saying no is not necessarily about being stingy, but managing responsibilities we already have, also for God’s glory. This may result in painful confrontations with even close friends or family members, but I believe it is better to set those boundaries so that we can give in other areas that God intends.

Granted, there are times when God may call us to give out of what we do not have, but in those instances He, as Jehovah Jireh, will provide. Some of the most amazing stories of God’s provision that I hear are when people honor their commitment to tithe despite the fact that they may have had bills that left them short on meeting living expenses. Or when God calls someone to go on a mission’s trip that costs thousands of dollars they don’t have, but end up being able to raise the money just before the trip. When we follow God in giving even when resources are unseen, He honors us.

A final principle related to avoiding giving anything grudgingly that can be useful is, when given the option, choosing to give people things rather than loan them. In a way, even a loan involves the “gift” of temporary ownership. Maybe giving rather than loaning may mean we provide someone a less costly but still useful item than if we had loaned it, or a more costly one that is still within our ability to give. Why? Sometimes we loan people things more freely than we would give and, as a result, hold grudges when people do not give them back. As most of us know, very often, things that are loaned are never returned. When something is transferred as a complete gift, however, we can often be more intentional and heartfelt about what we provide others – without counting the cost.

However, sometimes the better – and perhaps even the more selfless – thing to do is loan someone something, but even the loan must be done with a giving spirit. Additionally, when we loan others things, when necessary we also must set clear boundaries for how they are used, but with love. In short, nothing should steal our hearts of joy in giving!

Other Thoughts On Giving

Discernment in Responses To Giving

Another area requiring discernment in giving is instances where we are willing and able to give– but the recipient – or others, have an issue with our giving. Because we live in a world where free, heartfelt giving is often unusual, people may not want to accept gifts because they think they are too much, or, for whatever reason, they know they are unable to “pay” you back for the gift - as they see it. Or someone may send you the message that what you have done for them is not enough – now or ever. Or even, a gift causes a stir you didn’t expect among others who did not receive it – jealously or otherwise. In such instances, we still have to keep our giving pure despite the response.

Further, at times we may have to stop giving where serious discord results; as gifts are not required, there is no obligation to continue giving them. At the same time, God may call us to still give despite negative responses that may even seem to cause more harm than good. We should follow Him even in those instances, as we are to please God in giving, not people!

Why We Give

Ultimately, giving freely is part of being a fully devoted follower of Christ. The last few verses of the section on giving in 2 Corinthians 9, verses 12 – 15, explain how we honor God publicly with our giving:

12This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.

13Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, men will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else.

14And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you.

15Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!

We cannot forget that He gave us the ultimate, “indescribable” gift by shedding His blood to give us life. The only way fitting to accept the gift that cannot be repaid is to offer Him our resurces – our very lives.

REVOLUTION

I believe that every aspect of walking with Jesus comes back to Revolution. When we are totally devoted to God, without compromise, in everything we live for Him in a way that stands out in this world – including in our giving – for His glory.

I think some churches need to preach a little less Malachi 3:10 and a lot more 2 Corinthians 9:7. Because giving is a discipleship matter (i.e., about following Christ completely), when we preach discipleship, we preach biblical concepts such as tithing. Also, the more we follow God, simply because we love Him, the more we practice the guidance given in His Word. That’s how our churches – and our communities as a whole – will flourish.

My prayer is that we give freely, without reluctance – because God loves it.

Love is Patient

I’m passing on messages from my church’s “Love Revolution” series, during which we’re looking at the characteristics of unconditional, agape love described in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7.

I was really convicted by yesterday’s message on the loving attribute of patience – for me, in the context of friendship. One of the main texts was 1 Thessalonians 5: 14-15:

14We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 15See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. (NASB)

Here’s the passage in the NIV:

14And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 15Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. (NIV)

For each category of person listed in verse 14 and enumerated in the message: The Unruly, The Fainthearted and The Weak (NASB), I thought of at least one friend I could be more patient with – in speech, attitude or action. As I’ve said before, patience is not a virtue even remotely natural for me. But it’s also the area God works on in me the most.

One of the reasons we should be patient that is addressed in the message is the fact that God is so patient with us. I am always reminded of Psalm 103: 8-10:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

God’s patience leaves us no excuse but to show love by being patient with others.

To quote the message, because God is longsuffering with you, for those in your life who continue to “test” your patience, "please continue to hold." Here’s a link to the message...happy listening!

Love Note

As I’ve been sharing, recently God has been teaching me about love in several ways – some of them unexpected. The latest relates to a Larry King Live interview with Jenny McCarthy that I caught late last week. She was promoting her new book, “Love, Lust and Faking It: The Naked Truth about Sex, Lies, And True Romance,” about her “lessons” on romantic love. Her musings exemplified the “Hollywood” Model from the book “Love, Sex and Lasting Relationships” that I recently discussed. It was yet another reminder of God’s definition of love being so different from ours.

While I won’t be reading McCarthy's book, I think her Larry King interview is worth watching (or reading here– so far I’ve only been able to find the transcript online). It sums up the societal messages we get about love: a nugget of value here and there, but, ultimately, no Truth about love as God defines it - and outright lies. For example, she describes love as “an energy.” She also mentions that people must be “complete” or “whole” and “love [themselves] before [they] can love others.”

In listening to the interview I was reminded how we as Christians often eat up books such as McCarthy’s. Sure, we make some distinctions between such advice and God’s way. For example, we might ignore thoughts in a book about when the right time is to sleep with your “partner” in an unmarried relationship. But we’ll allow other elements of the message to shape our conception of love. For example, we run with half-truths such as “you need to be complete before you can love someone else,” as McCarthy says. But as the Apostle Paul describes in Philippians 3: 7-14, our lives in Christ are about much more than “wholeness,” as we are to abandon everything to press toward becoming more like Christ daily.

While it may not necessarily be "wrong" to read McCarthy’s book or others about the world’s views on love, the reality is we know that message very well. Spending excessive time poring over the societal model is like overloading on junk food - at the expense of getting proper spiritual nutrition.

We devote far too little time to seeking an understanding of love God’s way. And we must be constantly reminded that It is so different from our own, as Isaiah 55: 8-9 underscores:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Even the very best of the world’s realizations about love are far beneath the understanding we get from meditating on His word.

Instead of spending time and money on cheap, worldly literature on love, I think we can really gain from reading Christian titles on the topic that are steeped in scripture. Ultimately, we have to weigh everything against God’s Word, but books on Christ-centered, authentic love are a great way to get us meditating on God's Word.

Recently I’ve been exploring titles by couple Eric and Leslie Ludy that discuss living completely for Christ and, as such, practicing authentic love. They write to men or women individually and together. What I really like about the books is their confrontation of Christians allowing societal norms to govern their thinking rather than God’s Word, and how to truly fix our eyes on Christ no matter what other Christians following society may think.

Two titles by Leslie Ludy that I'm working on are “Set-Apart Femininity: God’s Sacred Intent for Every Young Woman” and the sequel, “Answering the Guy Questions: The Set-Apart Girl’s Guide to Relating to the Opposite Sex.”

A title from Eric Ludy for men is “God’s Gift to Women: Discovering the Lost Greatness of Masculinity” (on “Warrior-Poet Manhood”).

The Ludys have several other titles. To some their writings about living for Christ may seem “extreme,” but devotion to God is truly an extreme, radical endeavor requiring absolute holiness. That's The Truth that so many Christians miss.

The world’s message on love is a dime a dozen – we can get it on any street corner. As followers of Christ, let’s raise the standard by living according to His Word - and stoke the flames of a Love Revolution.

Love Revolution, The Series

In line with my talk about love recently I have to share the message series we're doing at my church called "Love Revolution." As I've said, it's about living authentic love God's way in all of our relationships.

The first message was preached yesterday, and we're also having a "church-wide" Love Revolution campaign through small group study and other activities. I'll likely be sharing more about it here.

For now, I just wanted to pass on the compelling first message on the true meaning of love, which you can access here. It is The Most Excellent Way of all...

This I Know*

Today (technically yesterday, since I'm writing this after midnight, although it's still Sunday to me) God has really been reminding me of His love so deeply and tangibly. At church we started a series called “Love Revolution,” about how to live authentic love in all of our relationships. I also attended another service just this evening where we discussed grasping the contours of His Love – the essence, the measure, the freedom and the security of It, expressed in Romans 8:31-39. We also sang one of my favorite hymns, “When I Survey The Wondrous Cross.” Additionally, I had a few discussions about showing love.

Throughout these experiences today I found myself pondering the meaning of God’s love, silently. I had no real emotional reaction to it - I just reflected on it.

But when I got home and started preparing for a long day tomorrow, verses and songs about God’s love just started filling my mind. It’s like suddenly I felt God whisper, in a breath, “ Seyi, I love you.” And I became overwhelmed with the feeling of His love, and the result was tears.

Probably the most humbling, hitting biblical truth for me is that the God of the Universe really wants a relationship with me. He demonstrated the meaning of love in a single Act: giving His Son to die for me, just so I would have a way to reach Him. And if that were not enough, every day He deeply desires to spend time with me – show me how much He loves me. His love is so constant, so steady.

Father, who are we that you are mindful of us, that you care for us?

This band sings this wonderful song of worship about how much He loves us. It says He loves like a hurricane, and we’re the object of His affection – He sweeps us into it. The song continues: “Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves.”

The only thing I can give a God who pursues me so passionately is me.

Yes, He loves me - and so love Him, too.

*Post #100.

LOVE REVOLUTION

Every so often I read a book I feel compelled to share about here. The latest one is “Love, Sex & Lasting Relationships: God’s Prescription for Enhancing Your Love Life” by Chip Ingram. The book is designed for anyone – single, dating, courting or married, and I highly recommend it to all.

Before I discuss the book I’ll reiterate that God’s Word constantly addresses that pursuing an understanding of love – of all kinds – is so important. Particularly, throughout the New Testament believers are admonished to "put on” a series of virtues that end with love as the highest calling. One of my favorites is 2 Peter 1: 5-8:

“5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

How do we make “every effort,” particularly in the context of love? I believe that, at the most fundamental level, it begins with pursuing a mental understanding of it based on God’s Word.

Romans 12: 2 highlights how critical our mind is for walking in righteousness in every area of our lives:

“Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed, by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to approve his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

The Bible teaches that God is Love. To say that He is Love is to be reminded that He is completely self sufficient, and that He defines what we desire. If love is defined as Him – and by Him – any understanding that we get independent from His principles is inferior.

Yet we often fail to renew our thinking about love, instead investing heavily in the world’s definition of it – to our own demise.

God’s People – and the rest of our world – are in need of a Better Way, God’s Way. To borrow from the book, “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships,” a current campaign at my church, a CD I recently purchased, another book (all of which spurred the title!), we need a “Love Revolution.”

OVERVIEW

In “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships,” the failed view of romantic love that even Christians heavily follow, dubbed “The Hollywood Formula,” is described:

Hollywood Formula

1. Find the Right Person.
2. Fall in Love.
3. Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future
fulfillment.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.

(p. 24-28).

Results

Some of the results of this model were described by looking at a national study on today’s young adults reflecting on romantic love after witnessing failed relationships in their families:

“I don’t know if I believe in marriage.”

“I get close to someone, then the same thing always happens. I’m
scared to death to make a commitment. “

“I don’t know how marriage is supposed to work, but I know I grew up
in a family where it didn’t.”

“I’ve got unresolved issues and unresolved pain and a lot of fear about relationships."

“I want intimacy and I long to be connected with someone else, but my heart got ripped out and no one helped me cope with the pain. They said I’d get over it. Well, I’m not over it. I’m afraid to go into new relationships.”

(p. 49-50)

Based on the book, a test for whether you follow the Hollywood Model is if your belief of God’s plan for love in your life – or others’ – rises and falls based on your (or others’) dating circumstances. Are you despondent about a “failed search” with dating? Is your perspective changed only when a “great person” comes into your life? These are signs of following the Hollywood Formula.

THE Alternative: “God’s Prescription for Relationships”

Thanks be to God for another way! I love the book’s description of The Alternative, beginning with a verse summing it up:

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant offering.” ~ Ephesians, 5:1-2 NASB

God’s Prescription

1. Become the right person.
2. Walk in love.
3. Fix your hope on God and seek to please him through this relationship.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.

I do not want to get into the book’s descriptions of the steps because I think they are better read directly. However, I will share some thoughts I have on the formula.

Pondering the Prescription

I think there’s a danger of not really appreciating how significant – and different – God’s prescription for love is compared to the world’s.

In looking at step one, we may be tempted to interpret that in some societal “self-realization” mantra such as “in order to love someone else you have to love yourself first.” But becoming the right person God’s way requires much more than just initial self love. I would summarize step 1 as following Christ’s example in Philippians 2. I also see Galatians 5:22-23, the passage on the “fruit of the spirit,” as the result of being the “right person” who is an “imitator of God”:

22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
[i.e., these traits are always positive!]

Before fruit can “become” fruit, it has to be cultivated, grown. As we strive, through His power, to be the people God calls us to be, He is able to refine us, which gives us the ability to execute love (step 2). Further, we can only remain the right person and walk in love as we seek Christ daily (Step 3). And when we fall short of the ideal, we can freely repeat it – and watch ourselves grow in love!

The Two Formulas, Juxtaposed

Hollywood's Formula
1. Find the Right Person.
2. Fall in Love.
3. Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfillment.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.

God's Prescription
1. Become the right person.
2. Walk in love.
3. Fix your hope on God and seek to please him through this relationship.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.

By contrast, when we repeat Hollywood’s model, we set ourselves up for a despondency to which no Christian is called. I do not think that we as Christians grasp the fact that being down or despondent about romantic love is an attitude that cannot exist under God’s model of love because it focuses on circumstances. By contrast, God’s way of love is unconditional – trusting, hopeful, and strong – quite radical in our world!

Both formulas end with “repeat,” but only one brings success. God’s prescription says that “finding” love is about being a constant imitator of God, not finding the right person. Experiencing romantic love God’s way is about how you choose to live, not who you meet.

There’s that famous quote defining insanity as doing the same thing over and over but expecting to get different results. But in this context it is comforting to know that despite the fact that we mess up trying to implement God’s model, repeating it is not insanity, it helps us get better, God-honoring results!

Further, throughout the book strategies for understanding God’s prescription for relationships are described. Special notes are presented for people who are married, single or dating. Each chapter also ends with questions for self evaluation.

The Final Chapter

The last chapter of the book could not cover a more important topic: sexual purity, an integral part of romantic love God’s way. The author refers to walking in purity, so contrary to the world’s perspective, as “The Second Sexual Revolution.” As a card-carrying member of The Movement, I truly appreciated this theme. I will present the steps provided, verses quoted, and leave it you to read about each!

The Author’s Description on How to Launch A Revolution

We must develop:
I. A New Way to Think About Sexuality
II. A New Way to Attract the Opposite Sex
III. A New Way to Relate to the Opposite Sex

I. A New Way to Think About Sexuality: Three Radical Claims

-Radical Claim #1: Sex is Sacred: “Until you…recognize that sex is sacred to God, [you] haven’t joined the revolution” - Hebrews 13:4 (p. 186-187)

“4Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (NKJV)”

Radical Claim #2: Sex is Serious - 1 Corinthians 6: 15-20 (p. 188-189)

“15Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh."[a] 17But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

18Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

Radical Claim #3: Sex is Grave Responsibility- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 (p. 189-192)

“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4that each of you should learn to control his own body[a] in a way that is holy and honorable, 5not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. 7For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.”

II. A New Way to Attract the Opposite Sex: Three Radical Ways of Attraction – I Peter 3:3-4 (p. 192-199)

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

Principle defined with the acronym “I.O.U,” for the first letter of each element below:

Radical Way #1: Develop Inward Character

Radical Way #2: Develop Outward Modesty

Radical Way #3: Develop Upward Devotion [to God]

III. Learn A New Way to Relate to the Opposite Sex: Three Points (p. 200-206)

1. Start Out as Friends

2. Treat Others [including our love interests] as Brothers and Sisters in Christ: “What would happen in every relationship with the opposite sex among Christians if we treated people as brothers and sisters in Christ?” (p. 204) - 1 Timothy 5:1-2

"1Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.“

[My note: This really helps when considering physical temptations!]

3. Make the Spiritual Growth and Well-being of Others Your Number One Priority: “Here’s the primary question you can ask of every relationship: ‘In this relationship with my brother or sister in Christ, am I helping him or her become more like Christ?” (p. 205)

[Note how every step is about what you do – not the other person!]

CONCLUSION

We have this mistaken belief that seeing love God’s way is an option: if we choose to follow His commands, it’s cool – maybe we’ll get an “extra blessing” or two, but it’s no big deal if we don’t. But when we look at the dismal state of love in our world, the reality is that our relationships can afford nothing less than God’s way. God forgives, but we still miss out on experiencing love as He intends for us when we choose another, inferior way.

Powerful Medicine

Imagine if every Christian joined The Revolution? We would have fully fulfilling, God-honoring relationships that win souls in the process!

Picture having the antidote for hundreds of millions dying from some disease, but choosing to toss it out. That’s what we do when we ignore God’s prescription for love. But when we adopt it, no matter what our pasts, we experience healing, albeit painful at first. As the book notes, God’s antidote is “powerful medicine”:

“Like today’s cancer-fighting drugs, God’s prescription may feel as if it’s killing you on the way to giving you life. It will create immediate and painful confrontations in your life [against] the status quo. Effective medicine is like that. But we’ve been convinced by the world that God’s prescription won’t taste good or do any good. Instead, we’ve become used to taking the sickening sweet potion offered by the world and have refused to recognize the deadly side affects it brings. (p. 183)”

Epilogue

My Prayer for You (p. 212)

…[Father,] help us think differently about our sexuality, help us attract others with integrity and honesty, and help us relate in truthful and helpful ways with each other. Give us your strength to become the right kind of people, to grow and walk in love, to fix our hope on you and walk in your light. Give us the quiet courage to participate in the second sexual revolution in our culture. In Christ’s name. Amen.”

Here’s a link to order the book, which also includes an excerpt from the first chapter and the back cover.

Take Him at His Word when He says there is A Better Way – The Best Way. If you haven’t already, join The Revolution- and experience the radical transformation that comes with it.

His Heartbeat

God is funny.

I was on the Metro and started thinking about how I hadn’t blogged in a while. Several topics had crossed my mind in the last few weeks (e.g., horoscopes, giving, the heart - all of which I plan to write about later) - but right at that moment a young woman around my age plopped down next to me. At the time, the Bible I keep in my purse was in my hand.

“Do you read the Bible a lot?” she asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “Do you read it?”

“Yep,” she said.

I continued dialoging with her candidly, noting this was an opportunity from God – perhaps to meet another Christian or to share the Gospel.

We talked about some of our favorite verses. I brought up a passage, Psalm 139. She mentioned Proverbs 3: 5-6 and announced that she was a Jehovah’s Witness.

“I know those verses as, trust in Jehovah with all your heart…and Jehovah will make your path straight,” she said.

I listened, to learn more about her and have an opportunity to share The Gospel. At a point in the conversation I was able to ask her what she believed about Jesus – just one of the many distinctions between Jehovah’s Witnesses and Christians. She provided an answer focused on His earthly ministry, then asked me what I thought. I shared about Jesus’ death, burial and resurrection. And then it was her stop. I gave her my card – she had mentioned relocating to D.C. for an internship just a week ago. She said she’d contact me.

This entry easily could be about sharing The Gospel, but that’s not the angle God brought to my attention that day (although after the encounter I went online for a refresher on Jehovah’s Witness’ beliefs and tips about sharing The Gospel with them, this article being just one of the useful resources I found).

What I really felt convicted about – after lamenting that I had not blogged in a while and then having a “blog worthy” encounter a moment later – was just the need to give God all of me.

The Word of God says that we were made for His glory, and even creation declares it – up to the heavens. I believe that when God uniquely made each of us, He gave us passions that we can use to communicate with Him wholeheartedly.

Personally, I may read my Bible and pray daily, but I feel closest to God when I take the time to reflect on what He is teaching me with strokes of the pen – or clicks of a keyboard – and through memorizing Scripture. Whether it is a journal entry for His eyes only, or a note for this blog, mediating on the promises of God through writing helps them stay with me that much longer; I am more challenged to set my mind on things above. And when I memorize His Word, I am most challenged to live it. Yet this summer I have spent too little time communing with God in those ways. In that Metro “moment,” I was reminded to recommit to making those means of communicating with Him a priority.

God wants to hear from all of us. Psalm 51:17 says that the sacrifice He honors most is our hearts, broken and contrite. We can all consider the ways He has given each of us to help open our hearts to Him – to feel His heartbeat – and sustain ours with His. Let’s not allow anything to keep us from using those avenues to experience that closeness with Him.

There is nothing better than feeling His heartbeat.

THE GOSPEL

I’ve been thinking a lot about salvation recently. We as Christians often have a limited view of it, seeing it as just the “moment” we prayed the “Sinner’s Prayer” to accept Jesus as Savior as a child, teen or adult. But salvation is meant to be so much more than a onetime thing. Instead, we are to commit ourselves to accepting an aspect of it anew every day.

Three Aspects of Salvation

Understanding how salvation is supposed to impact our lives can be summarized through three terms that may be familiar to you: justification, sanctification and glorification. I am not prepared to do a complete analysis of each, but I do link each term to a more detailed explanation. Roughly, justification is the aspect of salvation we tend to think of most: the “one-time act” of accepting Jesus as Savior through which “we are declared righteous and holy by God based on our faith in Christ’s atonement on the cross.” Sanctification occurs as a result of justification and is “the ongoing process of being made righteous that continues throughout our lives on earth.” It requires active commitment to experience fully. The last aspect, glorification, is the ultimate one that we will experience only when we get to heaven and witness “God’s final removal of sin” from the lives of Christians.

The three aspects of salvation can be summed up as relating to the past – i.e., justification (when we are justified, our sin is no longer counted against us – we become “new creations”); present – the sanctification process that occurs in this life; and future – glorification, which happens only after this life. (Whew! Please consult additional sources if needed:))

Being Sanctified

I’m focusing on sanctification. God has really been revealing to me in a new way that, once we are justified, on this earth sanctification is the aspect of salvation that makes the most practical difference. While we cannot save ourselves from sin, if we do not commit to sanctification salvation will have little impact on how we live. In Philippians 2: 12 – 13 The apostle Paul admonished the church of Philippi to essentially commit to sanctification:

12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Paul wasn’t saying the church needed to earn its salvation, but in order to have God work through them “according to his good purpose” (v. 13) they would have to actively pursue sanctification through serious, constant effort. The “fear and trembling” was not referring to being afraid, but rather an awe of God that totally relies on Him. The rationale is provided in the following verse: “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.” When we recognize God’s power and are humbled by it, we allow Him to make changes in our lives – for Him to “save us” all over again!

Sans Sanctification

A picture of our Christian lives without committing to sanctification highlights why we need it to save us daily.

When we don’t make sanctification our aim The Gospel has no real power in our lives, and there is no distinguishable difference between us and someone who does not know Christ. A lack of commitment to sanctification is why we often freely justify our sinful behavior based on other aspects of our identity that should be trumped by an identity in Christ. For example: “He cheats because he’s a man” or “she lies because it’s how she was raised.” We may all have sins that we are prone to, but the power that comes through walking with Christ daily is great enough to enable us to conquer any sin. When we commit to sanctification, we see ourselves making those changes we may have believed we could not – and growing spiritually in the process!

Sanctification is also how we gain a spiritual, biblical perspective in our world. As Christians we are called to have a different view of the world than those who do not know Christ. Romans 12: 2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” As the verse highlights, it begins with our minds, and it is only through renewing them that we are able to see our world with true spiritual specs.

By contrast, when we do not commit to sanctification our thinking can be blinded to God’s principles. We don’t see a value in reading our Word daily, fellowshipping with other believers or serving, because we only have so many hours in the day. We mock the whole purity thing. We’re okay with all the world’s forms of entertainment, even if they put our thinking at odds with Christ’s commands.

Further, choosing sanctification saves us from the “cheap fixes” society offers for life’s problems. For example, the Gospel keeps us from taking a “self-help” approach to our challenges. Our world has a book, character, program, or “positive thought” that we are supposed to rely on to change what we do not like about ourselves – and only those things. The Gospel also prevents us from approaching situations based only on what we think is practical or what makes “common sense.”

The Word of God teaches this about our wisdom: it ultimately fails us. Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." The Bible also says that God’s plans for us are excellent: “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” We never get lasting fulfillment from any “self-help” kit featuring the world’s designs. Committing to sanctification results in us knowing that we can only see what is in front of us, and without the God who has eternity in His hands we cannot live abundantly, to the full.

The Gospel, in its pure form, also keeps us from religion for its sake. It stops us from judging our status with God based on superficial “marks” such as how many generations of ministers we have in our families, what Christian practices we follow or what denomination we do – or do not – belong to. We recognize what wretches we are, and that it is only through God’s power constantly at work in us individually that we can live differently – no religious institution can save us.

The God Who Keeps Saving

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, committing ourselves to salvation in this life allows us to see The Gospel become so paramount in our lives that it is like our DNA; we must breathe it daily. Further, we share it with others. We start to preach Christ crucified in everything we do – our words, thoughts and deeds. We sound like the Apostle Paul, who could boldly say, as a result of committing to sanctification following justification, “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes” (Romans 1:16).

Ultimately, The Gospel is about life change only He can bring. His power, through The Gospel, saved us once, and, as we allow it, saves us still.

The Most Excellent Way, Uncut

I’ve been working on this entry for a while and was still unable to finish revising it. Yet I had so many thoughts to share that I didn’t want to abandon it. It needs a serious edit, but I decided to post as is, for now…

I was having lunch at a State Bar event, of all places, when I got into a conversation about defining compatibility. The gist of most comments was that having “things in common” such as family background, interests and “chemistry” are signs two people are “meant to be.” But missing from the conversation was the most important element for a follower of Christ: the spiritual connection.

I have always believed that relationships are costly endeavors that should only be entered in limited circumstances. Before 2000, however, those "circumstances" sounded something like the coversation I had at the State Bar Event. As I shared in my entry last August about my purity journey, that was the year I started college and had to decide the kind of guys I would be open to dating as an adult. At that point God reinforced that I should only be dating Christians (that’s not my focus here, but see this message series that does a great job of breaking down why).

But little did I know that there is so much more to relationships God’s way than whether a person is saved. Since then He’s been teaching me a series of principles –some quite simple, others deeper, that have been life to me. While they may be considered too rigid by some, I believe they are biblically supported and dramatically cut drama. I am by no means claiming to be a relationship expert – I have no such credentials – but I have avoided some pitfalls by choosing not to compromise in key areas. I also have learned from my mistakes.

Overarching Principle

The underlying assumption I want to state before beginning is that all romantic decisions should be made based on His leading in a specific situation. I do not believe that there is a cookie cutter path to a God-pleasing romantic relationship, but there are clear guidelines. God has the power to change anyone’s heart or situation – He is a healer, a transformer – The Redeemer. He can take the least honoring relationships and turn them into unions for His glory. But the conversation is not about what God can fix, but what He desires for us from the outset. Following Jesus is a radical, costly endeavor that is meant to involve complete obedience. Living for Christ is not about getting what we want through compromise with God, but making decisions that honor Him best. It is seeking "my utmost for His highest," if you will. Let’s get to it.

Principle 1: Personality can be the biggest false positive.

In all the talk about looks not being everything we can forget that personality isn’t, either. We often get sold on people romantically because our demeanors gel: We get along. We have fun together. We have similar interests. We can talk “for hours.” While those qualities are not wrong in themselves, we can end up making much more of them than we should – to the point that we overlook someone’s spiritual condition.

But from a biblical perspective personality cannot make up for spiritual shortcomings. Before we enter a romantic relationship we are to consider the other’s spiritual state. If it doesn’t measure up we are to look the other way – no matter how much “personality” the love interest has.

I think it helps to be reminded that if you are a pleasant, social or otherwise agreeable person, you are bound to meet different kinds of people who might attest to your shared compatibility. They may even think of you as “The One.” How we as Christians sort through the “hype” is by recognizing that our place on earth is to glorify God – not just to find someone we get along with and could make us happy. A great personality without the key spiritual ingredients does not bring God glory. When we look at it from this perspective, the number of “compatible” people dwindles – for the better.

And what is the right spiritual condition? Ties to the next principle.

Principle 2: It's not enough to be with another Christian who loves God very much - beliefs matter.

This area can stir controversy in Christian circles. Some say as long two people are Christians and “living for God,” in a relationship it really does not matter much whether they believe significantly different teachings about God’s Word, or have differing “doctrines.” But I am convinced that from a “best” perspective – i.e., in considering what honors God the most – it does matter.

Notable differences in beliefs usually do not end with theology – they translate into differences in lifestyle. In other words, if you make “x” lifestyle choice based on your faith and the other saved person can’t understand it or does not do the same, chances are you can trace it to your differing understanding of the Bible. If the only matters of faith you discuss with someone else are general, such as "why faith is important" or "why I love God" you might initially be deceived – you have to dig deeper to find out what a person really believes about God. As the saying goes, the devil is in the details.

Differing doctrine can easily detract from spiritual growth and the relationship – especially in marriage, where God intends complete unity. When there are fundamental differences in beliefs the main options are to 1) agree to disagree; 2) compromise or 3) flat out divide. If we genuinely hold our beliefs based on scripture, however, none of these are good or right options.

One way for two people to determine compatible beliefs initially (observing someone’s life over time being the ultimate) is to visit each other’s churches. I personally believe some minor differences are okay, such as music style (e.g., hymns or contemporary music). But when the preacher gets up to give a message, hopefully from the Word of God – i.e., The Source, The Guide, The Power, The Hope, The Transformation, The Life– you should agree with what is being taught. I think some red flags are if you generally find the message is lacking in substance or plain disagree. It is not our responsibility in relationships to plot how we can change someone else’s beliefs, and when we are romantically interested in someone we may easily be tempted to compromise our spiritual judgment by opening ourselves up to beliefs we know are questionable to keep a relationship going. In doing so we may hinder our ability to discern His good, pleasing and perfect will. And it is downhill from there.

The bottom line is our faith is supposed to be our heartbeat. When we compromise it, we are messing with living the abundant life God intends. We need to jealously guard the kinds of beliefs we are open to because the wrong ones choke our faith. I believe those not in agreement with you spiritually in heart, mind and lifestyle are not intended to capture your romantic emotion. Your significant other must be able to help you thrive spiritually, or you are being held back. PERIOD.

Next: On the kind of person I believe lifts you up.

Principle 3: You must have complete trust in who a person is in Christ.

Life lets us know clearly that people always fail us somehow, either by their choices or situations out of their control. However, scripture teaches that God never fails. Psalm 118: 8 says it well: “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man” (KJV). We also can understand the faithfulness of God from our own lives.

I believe putting confidence in God has to extend to the character of a mate. You have to be able to trust that they are so rooted in Christ that no matter how rough life gets, they will never stray far from The Source. The Bible says these kinds of people do exist – and describes them:

7 But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.
8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

It is interesting that the very next verse is “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (v. 9). Left to our own devices, our good is worthless – like filthy rags. If we’re putting hope in someone else to love us and make us happy, we are doomed.

But when a person’s confidence is in Christ, they overcome whatever challenges life brings because He is their Lifegiver. This is not to say they will be perfect– but they will not get stuck in their sin. When you can trust their relationship in Christ, you know disagreements will be momentary and shortcomings can be put in perspective because, ultimately, their eyes are fixed on The Grandest picture.

Further, a person devoted to Christ will always know how to love you best because they are relying not on their own ability to be a good lover or what they feel for you at the moment, but on the biblical definition of love. I like how it was put in part two the message series on compatibility that I referred to earlier: “You want someone whose Number One is God…[not] someone who replaces God with you on the throne of their lives.” When we place someone else over God, we idolize them. And idols always fail to meet our expectations. When God is first in our lives, however, our worlds will never come crashing down. God wants us with people who understand that!

As Christians we are on this earth to glorify God. Anyone who wants to take you on a detour from faith depending on circumstances is outside what God intends. It also means that we must all be the kind of people who do not waver – as we evaluate others’ shortcomings, we need to check ourselves!

Principle 4: Interaction amounting to "holy lust” should not result in a relationship.

I believe there is a place for assessing factors of compatibility beyond the spiritual – yet still in a spiritual context. I don’t think I’ve coined the term “holy lust,” but I do sort of claim it. In this context holy lust is when you have admiration for someone that is related to Christ on some level, but ultimately there are too many elements of compatibility missing for it to be a God-made match.

My experience with holy lust in college will be Exhibit A. Junior year (2003) I met a guy whom I admired very much spiritually. We shared the same beliefs and he had a zeal for God that drew you to him. I also was very physically attracted to him. But we had little else that connected us. It amounted to the following equation:

Spiritual admiration + Deep Physical Attraction + Nothing Else (0) = holy lust

But holy means to be set apart, so all that was really left standing is plain lust.

Some of the many issues? We not only had very different goals, he also couldn't understand mine. When I would talk about law school plans, he would literally cringe (I don't remember doing the same to him, but then again I couldn't see my face). Also, if we weren't talking about faith there would be absolute silence. Additionally, as great as he was, I had very serious doubts about how he would express his faith in difficulty. I also did not think I could give him the encouragement he'd need in those moments, nor did I believe that he would be able to do the same for me. Although in Christ all things are possible, we are again not to seek the possible but His perfect will. God let me know - startlingly clearly - that this man, great as he was objectively, was not for me. It took me a little while to grasp what God was telling me -- but once I did I had no option but to praise Him for letting me know before we got into a relationship.

I believe whomever God wants you with should be excited about His plans for you--and how yours and theirs fit. As I’ve said, they should challenge, strengthen and encourage us to thrive in Christ. And we should want the very best for that person – better than ourselves. Situations of “holy” lust really just mean that, in another way, the necessary spiritual factors are not met.

Principle 5: There are not that many people out there to be dating.

A reaction to these principles may be that they all sound lovely in theory, but they are unrealistic – there are not many people out there who meet these criteria.

That is partially true. Setting sound standards in dating, however, is meant to eliminate people at the outset (i.e., save you the emotional drama)– which is why I think a red flag can be spending too much time dating different people. Yes, God in His power can bring several potential mates around you at once – but more often than not when quantity of dates increase, the number of people who meet God’s standards do not rise with it. Every male or female you lock eyes with on the train; strike up a conversation with in the coffee shop or meet at the lounge is not a potential mate. Dating a lot can also can also cause us to start putting matchmaking into our own hands. We begin to tell ourselves, albeit subconsciously, that our efforts will yield the desired return. And when they do not, our mood can easily begin to rise and fall based on how our dating plan is going. Worse, we turn our focus away from God. We start spinning wheels –supposedly moving, but going nowhere – and we may even end up taking steps back. If our dating life is not rooted in Christ, all our efforts are worthless.

I had my own bout with trying to make a relationship happen my first semester of law school in 2005. At that time I dabbled in the idea that in dating "heaven helps those who help themselves” (i.e., not a biblical reference). I had moved out of my parents' house (temporarily:)), was carless and needed to find a Metro-accessible place to worship on Sunday morning. Hoping to feed my spiritual life and my romance, I started looking for churches that had both good preaching and single men. I never found the two together; it was one or the other. I ended up in some interesting places that claimed one thing but taught another.

The last straw was visiting this one church in December 2005 that had relatively good preaching (note the compromise in that statement) and touted a great “singles” Bible study. I came back to the church later that week just to attend. I remember being livid when I arrived to find only three participants, all over the age of 40. One man looked at me a little too excitedly, and I glared at him. That day I realized I could not live that way. I said, “LORD, this is emotionally draining – and I’m not even getting anything out of this spiritually! I am leaving the matchmaking to you.” I have never since gone to church for a date. That was one of the best decisions I could have made.

If we want to go after something, ladies – and men – we should chase holiness; chase righteousness. God’s Word is clear that this is the only pursuit that is never in vain – it always reaps dividends. Want to learn how to be content in singleness and be open to God providing someone in His time? Get in fellowship with other believers. Read your Word daily. Find ways to serve. And we don’t do these things for what we’ll get from God, but so we can live the life He intends for us. You’ll start to find that not having a man or woman won’t leave you desperate and alone. Even when God does bring someone in your life it is still important to allow Him to steer in His timing, and to be open to Him having other plans. If you’re pursuing righteousness at all times, you’ll have the tools to develop a godly romance if and when He provides--and check your motives daily throughout the process. My prayer is that we give this area to Him completely!

Principle 6: God is not limited by statistics.

The principle that rebuts the idea that setting strong, biblical standards in dating leads to romantic impossibility is to remember Who is in control of all things. If we really recognized God’s power it would change how we view His ability to provide us a mate in His timing despite what Census data may indicate. A passage I am meditating on this summer is Colossians 1. My favorite section is titled in the NIV “The Supremacy of Christ” (NKJV says the “Prominence of Christ;” NASB “The Incomparable Christ”). Verses 15 – 17 start the section:

15He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. 17He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

I love that He is the “firstborn over all creation” (v. 15) and that He holds all things together (v. 17). If we truly believed this, it would change our outlook in dating and beyond. We would know that He is taking complete care of all things, and we would rest comfortably in the fact that he can provide someone where there seems to be no one.

Principle 7: In relationships we need to learn from our past mistakes and forgive each other.

The last principle I’ll share is an underlying one of sorts. I think it is important to distinguish standards from judgment. Setting principles in relationships should not be to “eliminate” people based on their past mistakes, but instead to evaluate them based on God’s standards as a whole. None of us is perfect, so it is impossible to find someone who is. It is only through God working in us that we can be different. This recognition should humble us all. We honor God by learning from our relationship errors and committing to godliness in relationships moving forward. While I believe couples should be frank about their relationship histories– including missteps, once they are addressed they should be buried forever – not brought up to manipulate or otherwise harm. Someone who hangs your past over your head is not practicing godly love -- it must include accepting each other just as we are – the way God does for all of us.

Note

I believe that as we seek Him, God reveals to us principles in dating that are to be followed. At the same time, we should learn from our mistakes and use them for His glory. Decisions in dating should be made with marriage in mind: we should desire to save our very best for the person God intends for us. This is the most excellent way in romantic love.