But the most striking marriage “news” for me last week was the release of a Pew Research/Time Magazine Poll finding that four in 10 Americans say that marriage is becoming obsolete. The study spurred serious thought about how even unmarried followers of Christ should view matrimony.
The “four-in-ten” figure was not the only noteworthy number from the study. Adults ages 18-29 were the subcategory surveyed that was most likely to say marriage was becoming obsolete - 44 percent of them agreed with the statement (as compared to 34 percent of adults ages 50-64). Further, while overall 44 percent of participants said they had lived with a partner without being married, 57 percent of 30-to-49 year-olds had. Additionally, U.S. Census Data released in September showed that 52 percent of adults 18 and over were unmarried – an “all-time low.”
Other relevant factors surrounding the Poll responses are the high divorce rate, of which "Gen Xers,” the most likely to cohabitate, were the first children to experience; the rise of single-parent families and live-in couples with children, the growing number of same-sex couples.
The Biblical Blueprint
How are Followers of Christ supposed to view marriage, even in our world? In Hebrews 13, the last chapter of the Book, general advice about Christian living is provided. Verses 1-3 exhort readers to cultivate kindness, hospitality and compassion. Verse 4 then admonishes of matrimony:
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (NIV)
“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge." (NKJV)
Such a loaded description in one short sentence! I began studying the verse by looking at my commentary. A single sentence was provided for it: “The writer…call[s] for sexual purity in which marriage is held in high regard.” The Bible Knowledge Commentary, Zane C. Hodges, Hebrews, p. 811 (1983). While the description of the verse sums up what in means to honor marriage using those two words I love so much (fyi, “sexual purity”:)), they also got me thinking about how as Christians often we still fail to esteem marriage from a biblical perspective even while pursuing purity.
“Marriage Should Be Honored By All”
I want to dissect this first part of the verse. What does it mean to “honor” marriage? To start, as Christians whatever we honor – and everything we do – should bring God glory. From this perspective, marriage is a way of glorifying God. But often, marriage is viewed chiefly in relationship to self gratification rather than as a means for His name to be lifted.
It is more than possible for Christians to esteem the institution of marriage but not honor it as God intends. For example, marriage is often seen as paramount for personal happiness. Married people are “grateful to have someone to spend their lives with.” Single people desire to get married to achieve the companionship that married people have (and married folks are also often willing to “help” others overcome the “misery” of singleness with matchmaking). For many, comprehension of biblical teaching on marriage can be summarized by one part of one verse: “it is not good for man to be alone.”
Marriage also is seen, even among Christ followers, as the final item on a long checklist of “dos,” or “Destination Settlement,” if you will. It is put off until all the necessary “bargaining” chips are on the table: “a” degree,” “x “ job, “y” financial situation.
The Standard, Our World
While companionship is an element of God’s design for marriage – and we should not go into marriage without any thought for how we can provide for the physical and emotional needs of our families – if these factors are the driving forces of our views on marriage we land no different from the world’s ways of esteeming marriage.
In the Pew Research Poll, despite the sentiment among participants that marriage was becoming obsolete (and the high rate of failed marriages), still 67 percent had a positive outlook on the future of marriage and family – higher than perceptions about the future of education and the economy (although I question how useful that tidbit is). And the survey indicated that although the number of married people between the ages of 18-29 has dramatically decreased, the majority of people do end up married at some point later in life. More than 90 percent of survey participants over the age of 40 were currently – or had been- married. Further, 60 percent of couples living together said that they wanted to get married. Additionally, close to 70 percent said families were happiest when both husband and wife are contributing financially. But if we square the positive perceptions about marriage against the reality in our world, there is no indication that any of these factors will necessarily produce healthy marriages.
Practicing Regard
How do we hold marriage in high regard as God intends – and go beyond how the world sees it— even when we’re unmarried? I have answered this question many times on this blog, but given the number of times that we make the same mistakes about not honoring marriage in dating, I do not think I am being unnecessarily redundant.
Plainly, one way we can honor marriage while single is by who we choose to date. If we recognize that marriage is chiefly for God’s glory, not our own gratification, then we will not waste our time on anyone with whom God is not getting glory. But this requires more than just dating a person who is “Christian.” About 80 percent of Americans profess to be “Christian” (albeit with varying definitions). But Jesus said this in Luke 9:23 about the true definition of a disciple of Christ:
“If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me.”The only “Christian” that makes a difference in this life is the Christ follower who lives every day for God, pressing toward the ultimate goal of life in heaven with Him. If you cannot be confident that another person is a true, unbending follower of Christ – pushing toward the mark, wherever they may be spiritually – then they are not the person to be dating. And if we profess Christ and are not living as Christ followers, our first priority should be to take time out from dating to cultivate a stronger relationship with God, knowing that He will honor our commitment to Him and can bring another Christ follower in His timing.
Imagine how much drama would be eliminated in dating if we stopped judging people’s relationship potential by human merit! We would no longer entertain dates merely because they are “a really nice person” or a “good man” or “good woman,” “have a great personality,” “are fun to be around,” “have a lot in common” with us…the list goes on!
To really practice Christ-follower only dating, we must have the faith that reminds us that God can provide all of those great tangibles and “intangibles,” and does! Jesus made the same “Luke 9:23” statement about the definition of a Christ follower several times in the Gospels. It also was followed with this statement, “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:24).
When we give up our limiting human desires in dating, we gain a heavenly perspective that is far beyond what we can see with our own eyes or efforts. I had an awesome reminder from a book I read recently: “God cares more about whom you marry than you do.” If God calls us to marriage, He is more than capable of providing someone as we seek His face. We honor marriage as God intends by resting in this truth rather than making failed attempts at creating love.
Once we grasp the concept that we need to be with Christ followers, then we can seek God’s glory in the relationship. While narrowing the sphere of people we date to Christ followers takes us in the right direction, not every relationship with one would necessarily bring God the most glory. As I have shared from my own experience, we must grasp that God wants us with people whose purposes and passions allow us to serve God better together than apart. From this perspective, the purpose of a relationship with a Christ follower should be to determine whether that is what God wills. Dating with this direction allows us to honor marriage in a way those who do not know Christ cannot.
The God of Sex (Pure, Undefiled)
We also honor marriage as God intends by allowing sex to be His. The rest of Hebrews 13:4 says that sex His way involves a marriage bed that is “pure” (NIV) and “undefiled” (NKJV), and that God will judge adulterers and the sexually immoral. We dishonor God by taking this warning lightly. Yes, God is merciful, but we also suffer the consequences of making decisions that disobey his commands. In this context, I think the state of marriages in our society is a result of not taking sexual immorality seriously (and the Pew survey attests to this).
To honor sex in marriage as God intends while unmarried – as pure, undefiled – we must begin by honoring romantic touch at all. Often, when people, including Christians, express regret for having (consensual) sex when they did not plan to, it is often said that “it just happened.” But in reality, it had already begun to happen once there was a decision to act on arousal. When we give into our physical desires, we threaten our ability to make choices with our spiritual minds. And when we allow physical passion to take over, we cannot predict what will happen.
In situations when we cross God-honoring boundaries, we take God’s warning about sexual immorality seriously by confessing the sin and stopping it immediately. First John 1:9 reminds us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” When we quit the sin, we allow God to help us to get back on track with the commitment to which we’re called.
Our first aim should be obedience. Honoring the marriage bed in dating requires setting defensive limits. The question is often asked, “how far is too far?” The more we gain in understanding of what it means to honor marriage as it relates to sex, however, the less likely we are to ask that question. While comprehension of sex as God intends will still cause us to deliberate about where to set a boundary, we’ll do it in light of a different question – "how much can I save?”
My Choice
By God’s grace I’ve really come to understand the meaning of saving romance as a way of honoring the marriage bed. As I’ve mentioned before, I have made serious commitments in this area. I am not presenting my boundaries as the ultimate, only right standard, but as a testimony of how we can honor God through boundaries – and really live in the process.
Regarding physical touch, I am careful how I how interact with the opposite sex and have committed to saving all my kisses for the man who God may have for me. In our world touch is often taken very casually, even between Christian men and women in both friendships and dating. We rub each other’s backs, hug and flirt by touching each other. While I do not believe all touch between sexes is wrong – some non-romantic touch can be positively affirming – I think often lines are crossed that should not be. Personally, if a man tries to cross a boundary I have set with touch, for example, by hugging me too closely— intentionally or unintentionally, I visibly pull away and, where necessary, voice my objection as politely as possible. Sometimes people get offended, but I consider protecting the boundaries I have set for God more important than mildly stepping on someone’s toes.
I also have committed to saving romance for a serious dating relationship (or “courtship”) and marriage. We women often want men whom we are only dating –or men who are just trying to date us – to “sweep us off our feet” from the beginning by romancing us with things such as flowers, special trips and expensive gifts. But I’ve come to believe that, most often, lavish displays of affection early on can be superficial, and, worse, cloud our judgment. They can make us open our hearts to a man based on shallow impressions rather than on the important, substantive matters, such as a man’s spiritual condition, his lifestyle – how the two of you fit spiritually. Discerning a person’s character takes time, and I want the romance part only after I have done the hard work of discovering another, and after seeing God move a relationship toward lifelong commitment.
I also value the man whom God may have for me in marriage so much that I do not want to do anything in a casual dating relationship that would cause he – or my God – to disapprove. In a dating relationship I like for a man to feel like there’s someone keeping a little distance – or mystery - between us, not that I’m two-timing him – but that he has to be on his best behavior because God – and the man whom He may have for me, are holding him accountable. And if a man I date is ultimately that husband, he will understand all the more how much I treasured him before I knew him as Him.
Liberty
Setting serious limits can be seen as unrealistic or extreme, but in reality I have found them freeing. I am much more able to judge a man’s personality and spiritual condition – I never have to wonder what a man’s intentions are toward me. I’m also not tempted to entertain a man because of what he might do for me – he can’t sway me with words or things. Also, men who can’t hang with my standards naturally fall away – further eliminating drama. And because of the limits set, I know how to have a great time with a man – and make him feel special – without using my feminine charm for evil. And what’s also awesome is that I avoid being brokenhearted or living with regret. Jesus said in John 10:10 that he came to give us full, abundant lives. He did this by showing us The Way. When we walk in it, there is nothing more liberating!
Conclusion
Repeating Hebrews 13:4 provides the best reflection for conclusion: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” That’s advice that’s more trustworthy than anything our world can give. I pray that all of us as Christ followers esteem this advice, heed its warning – and experience the blessings that come with it.
