THE ART OF LOVE

Every once in a while I like to review a book I’ve been reading. This time I’m going to discuss not so much the content, but the concept, of a book that I’ve recently picked up off my shelf again on The Five Love Languages. I think they’re a good model for showing love not only in romantic relationships, but also to friends, family and others we meet, as Christ commands.

You’ve probably heard of The Five Love Languages, which is a concept from Dr. Gary Chapman, a relationship counselor and pastor, establishing that there are five primary “languages,” or methods, for expressing love to others. Chapman also says that everyone has one, or more, primary language that makes them feel most valued. The goal is for people to understand how to “speak” the language of their loved ones, understand how they personally accept love, and be able to receive—and speak—all the languages.

I already hear smirks or giggles from some who may think it’s a bunch of “psychobabble," but trust me, this is like, the best concept ever.

I’ve been enamored with The Love Languages for years. I first learned about them in a Bible Study in high school. The original book is about expressing the love languages in marriage, but the concept became so popular that books have been adapted for Singles, Teens, Kids and more. Plus, there are other “Fives” concepts (a Five Languages of Apology was released in the last couple years, which is almost as fabulous). In each book, the languages are the same but tailored to the audience. I purchased The Five Love Languages for Singles just last year, which talks about expressing love to everyone in your life. I hadn’t actually read much of it (but I’ve taken the quiz in the back like ten times), but I picked it up off my bookshelf a couple weeks ago and have been perusing sections of interest since; hence, this entry.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

Anyway, to the meat: The Five Languages. In case you don’t already know them, they are Words of Affirmation; Gifts; Acts of Service; Quality Time and Physical Touch. At a basic level, the languages are self-explanatory, but I’ll also share a few not-so-evident details about them from the book:

Language #1: Words of Affirmation
The language of “Affirming” Words has many dialects (yes, I said dialects--and that is genius!). It is expressed by:

Words of Appreciation – expressing sincere gratitude for some act of service rendered

Words of Encouragement – “inspiring courage” in another through motivating or stimulating comments

Words of Praise – recognizing another’s accomplishments

Kind Words – choosing and expressing words in a heartwarming manner

(Five Love Language for Singles, by Gary Chapman, p. 51-54)

Language #2: Gifts: Showing love by offering thoughtful, heartfelt and tangible symbols of appreciation (No Dialects) ( p. 67)

Language #3: Acts of Service - Looking out for the needs and desires of others and offering assistance accordingly (No Dialects) (p. 80-81)

Language # 4: Quality Time - Taking a period to connect with another person. Like Words of Affirmation, it also has many dialects:

Quality Conversation – making someone feel valued through discussion. The subcategories are Quality Hearing, focusing on what the other person is saying (the opposite of Words of Affirmation) and Quality Talking, offering meaningful comments as a result of properly hearing

Quality Listening – being “sympathetic [in hearing] with a view to understanding the other person.” (p. 97)

Quality Activities – Engaging in meaningful outings or tasks with another

(p. 95 – 103)

Language #5: Physical Touch - affirming another through physical contact in a meaningful, appropriate and non-sexual manner (No Dialects) (p. 117-122)

MY LANGUAGES

I’m so fond of the languages because they’ve helped me understand the differences between how I give love and primarily receive it. It’s also helped me expand how I share love with others, as it’s meant to. Although I speak most of the love languages fluently, among them Words of Affirmation, the reality is Words of Affirmation is not even remotely my primary language. For example, I’m not much into receiving words of praise, i.e., compliments. In the past I couldn’t understand why comments such as “good job on that presentation” or “you look nice today” have so little effect on me—and at times I shrug them off. While I am learning to “receive” such compliments and they can be affirming at times, I’ve also realized that it’s just not what makes me feel the most valued.

My primary languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service, by a ridiculously wide margin.

For quality time, it’s not a “quantity” or “number of hours” thing, but what is done during that time—i.e., quality. It makes me feel valued when people take time out of their schedules, albeit a short period, to go somewhere meaningful—a place that is either important to them or me--and have good conversation there. I tend to enjoy smaller groups, or one-on-one time—because I feel like it’s such a great opportunity to connect. I also like it when I’m given—and give—undivided attention during that time, especially if it’s one-on-one; constantly checking out the new apps on the iPhone or responding to every buzz of the blackberry makes me feel insignificant, especially when I meet with someone for a short period. I also love building lasting memories with other people that are the result of quality time.

Acts of Service also are so important to me because I’m not very affected by what people say—good or bad, in my mind words are momentary—but I’m more affected by what people do. I treat words like actions, and don’t like when there’s a disconnect between what’s said and done. But the thought and effort that is often required to consider a need or desire and try to meet it with an “act” makes me so responsive to Acts of Service.

If there’s a language I’m lacking in fluency, it’s Physical Touch. I’ve always been critical of the cheap ways touch tends to be employed in our society, but the whole point of the language is not doing that. I’ve undervalued what a rub on the back or a kind hug can do to make another person feel special. I’m learning to speak this language, especially with people who hold it as their primary.

YOUR LANGUAGE(S)

I enjoy finding out others’ languages; in “quality activity” fashion, I’ve made many a friend take the quiz on a road trip. Most of the time there aren’t too many surprises in others’ scores—and we usually have some common language—hence our friendship, but every once in a while I discover there’s an additional language someone has that I’ve totally overlooked.

Also, while I can see the love languages are indeed useful for every relationship because the core "love" issues that bother us about friendships tend to be the same things that bother us about people in relationships—I can see how it’s especially useful for romantic relationships. As we often see and hear, men and women are fashioned very differently—particularly in communication. I think that, especially early on in a relationship, the love languages can help knit some of the divide that is present while initially getting to know someone romantically.

To find out your language, you can take a quiz. The online quiz is written for the marriage relationship, but the questions are the same even in the single context; the “you” in the questions would just be changed to something like “friend” or “coworker.” The maximum that you can score in any one area is 12 points. If you score the same for more than one language, you are “Bilingual.” Yes, The Love Languages have a language of interpretation “unto their own,” lol. Love it (the languages)!

WHY LANGUAGES?

I think learning to love others in many different ways is so important because of the treatment of love in God’s Word. Throughout the Bible, it is held as the highest calling. One of the great passages on love, I Corinthians 3:14-17, lists a number of virtues, but instructs us to, “above all, put on love,” because it “binds” all the other virtues in “perfect unity.”

We also cannot forget that The One who didn’t even spare His own Son did it for Love. And so I close with the ultimate command from Matthew 22: 34-40:

34Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" 37Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'[a] 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'[b] 40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Solitude (Favorites, Part 3)

I’ve written about my favorite Psalms and Names for God. This time I’ll talk about one of the Spiritual Disciplines that I “favor” currently : solitude.

I don’t have a favorite discipline as such; solitude is just the one God is using most in my life right now.

Loosely, solitude is spending time alone—in a quiet place—with God. In an article on the topic Bible Teacher Charles Swindoll notes that Jesus got up early in the morning to practice it, as evidenced in Mark chapter one. Swindoll also observes that solitude “helps filter out the essentials and sift away the nonessentials.”

I haven't always practiced solitude. Generally, in personal time with God I've been partial to the disciplines of study and worship. But I’ve learned that going some place really quiet to meet with God alone helps me communicate with Him so much more freely and, at the same time, recognize His power.

As I’ve said before, that place for me is in nature. I usually sit on a bench in a wooded area that’s hidden from plain view. I like to go in the morning, when the only sounds I hear are birds chirping, leaves blowing in the wind and squirrels scurrying across tree limbs. And I’m reminded that the Lord God made them all.

I usually start by talking to God aloud, telling Him whatever comes to mind. Then I’ll read my Bible and a devotional, and sometimes I’ll listen to a song. But then I put everything away and just keep talking to Him, aloud, and intimately.

The most amazing thing solitude is doing for my relationship with God is causing me to crave being in His presence both to worship and learn to be more like Him. It really is the first time in a while that I’m spending so little time praying for physical needs. Instead I’m asking God for the peace to live without worrying; have more of His heart; serve Him better. I’ve been listening to this Hillsong worship song, “Hosanna,” that sums up my prayer right now.

A couple summers ago during a stressful time when I also was sorely lacking peace, God brought Psalm 91 to my attention, which I’ve been meditating on periodically since (and love hearing Nicole C. Mullen sing; Track 6: "Under the Shadow"). It talks about the benefits totally trusting in God—dwelling—brings. It begins: “He who dwells in the secret place will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Verse 4 continues: He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." I love the peaceful images words such as “rest”; “refuge;” “feathers”; “wings" and “shield” bring to mind. Since that summer, I’ve prayed that I would gain constant peace from dwelling. Through solitude, I’m getting there.

Second Peter 1: 5-8, one of my favorite passages, speaks of how were are to be unyielding in pursuing spiritual growth: "5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Practicing the spiritual disciplines helps us develop the kind of drive that’s necessary for steady, abiding growth in Christ. Which ones is God using in your life? Favorites, Part Three.

Room for All

Today I had an embarrassing moment. It’s quite unusual for me to say that because I’ve been in enough rattling situations that I’ve become desensitized: I routinely miss written signs or posts, verbal or written hints (and sometimes plain questions or statements) and jokes. Plus I’ve tripped, dropped or spilled something at enough inopportune times that I can usually just shrug it off.

But back to today. The embarrassing moment—which also was private, thankfully— is mortifying enough that it won’t be stated online. But here I am more than happy to share about it in indescriptive terms--and a spiritual lesson from it.

The incident happened at work. I had an important event this afternoon that I had to leave at 11:00 am for, so to maximize my day I had arrived at the office just after 7. I expected a normal, productive morning. It started off that way, but just after an hour into it, a curveball was thrown when the unnamed incident occurred. Now I was unsure I would make it to my 11 am event—the one I couldn’t miss. In that moment, everything said my day could end up being a debacle that could only be solved with a pretty drastic solution that I just did not want to put anyone through—including myself.

If you knew the situation, you may wrinkle your nose a bit and say that perhaps it’s not as serious as I'm making it. Or you might agree. But whether big or small, in that moment I knew I had to ask God to get through it. Lord, I said, I do not know completely why I am in this situation, especially now, but please help me—save me from drama today!

Just in time—with 15 minutes to make it to my destination on time—God delivered me from it. And despite feeling a little drained throughout the day, the rest of it was peachy:).

I draw out my account of the incident because I think you can substitute any personal crisis for it—some problem, whether actually insignificant or not, that we wonder how we will get out of.

The next logical, expected spiritual parallel from this observation is that in those moments we always have the opportunity to call on the name of the Lord, but we don’t necessarily. While I think that is a noteworthy observation, my thoughts wander to a slightly different, but related one: we all have crises, but how we view any situation depends on what we believe. And what separates how we live is not so much what we feel in those moments–but what we do with our feelings.

I think as Christians we can be tempted to use crises as an excuse for spiritual stagnation. We think about how our situations are so much worse than those around us and are the reason we have not grown. We may say, If I were in his situation, my life would be so much easier, and I would have no trouble trusting God like he does. But because I’m dealing with this, I can’t be expected to give Him everything. He needs to give me a different life!

Granted, some people have rougher lives than others—but even then, the Word of God points out that there is nothing new under the sun —the crazy thing we think no one else experiences, there is someone on the globe with the same issue—but a different reaction.

I’m reminded of the story of Job. He was given everything—wealth; knowledge; a good reputation—much more. Satan told God he was sure that if Job was given trouble in life, he would turn away from God—even curse Him. But God had confidence that no matter what crisis was given Job, in the end Job would praise Him (Job 1: 6-12). And that is exactly what happened: God took everything from Job, and he still praised Him. At the end of the many crises (by any definition), he was given double the blessings he had before them (42:10, 12), and he died “old and full of his years” (42:17).

The truth is, we as humans cannot be a true judge of another’s heart. People can show us snippets of their hearts, but only God has the full picture. Some people who claim the name of God and are in wonderful situations really have hearts that do not honor Him—but there are others who would honor Him regardless of what would be thrown at them. But because we weren’t born with heart thermometers, we really don’t know! As a result, the time that is spent comparing our lives to others—and saying why me—is wasted, unproductive energy that blocks us from seeing God’s amazing plans for each of us.

No matter what our circumstance, as Christians, our aim should be to walk humbly and closely with our God. When we do, we allow Him to refine and fill us. And when we are living the full life that we were uniquely (and individually) created to live, we stop being concerned about how our lives compare to others, or how our crises “set us up” for spiritual failure. Instead, we live knowing that we can accomplish anything in Christ, if we lack something we can ask Him for it with a pure heart, and that no one can duplicate His plan for each of us. With Christ, as they say, the sky is the limit—for all of us!

Regardless of what crises we face in this life, big or small, we are all susceptible, for one reason or another, to the same emotions. Ultimately, as Christians our ability to grow spiritually isn't about what we experience, but what we let Him do with our experiences. And if we want to see big things happen in our lives—in and through Him—we have to look beyond our crises and into His incredibly long, outstretched arms that have enough room to love all of us into our unique, grand destinies.