I was at the Christian bookstore a few weeks ago getting some music when I noticed a book: “The UnGuide to Dating: A He Said/She Said on Relationships” by Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz, Christian journalists. I’ve never read a book by a journalist that I didn’t like, and it had an interesting cover, so I bought it. Overall, I’d give the book about an 8 out of 10. Here’s a “semi-review” of it: part my thoughts; part analysis of the authors’ words.
I loved the book because it was very real. The authors were themselves single adults; the “He,” Todd, 29; the “She,” Camerin, 34, writing for a single adult audience, so the book isn’t of the “True Love Waits” high school dating variety. While it does address sexual purity, it presents an overview of the major issues faced in adult Christian dating. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m critical of church dating discussions, which are often confined to youth, the message being “how to hang on and not have sex before marriage in your late teens/early twenties.” These discussions are often conducted by Christians who themselves married early, or at least advocate early marriage and are out of touch with singlehood beyond college. These authors, however, are not only in touch with the issues, they also live through them.
Three sections stood out to me. Chapter 3: “Men in the Church, O Brother, Where Art Thou?” (theorizing on the statistically proven disparity between the number of women and men in church); Chapter 4: “Changing Gender Roles: You’ve Come Along Way, Baby?” (great rebuttal to so-called spiritual leaders who attribute women having careers and not getting married in their early twenties to a willfulness to delay marriage just because) and Chapter 5: “Making the First Move? Still only a Man’s Job?” My favorite one, and the subject of this semi-review, is the last one on making the first move. Although I’m inclined to say the answer to this chapter’s question should be “yes,” (I much prefer a man doing the initial asking out), it made me rethink my conclusion.
THE GENDER DIVIDE
The first sentence of the chapter summarizes the debate, according to each gender. The female author, Camerin, shared an experiment:
“A funny thing happened when I asked the readers of my [Christian] singles column whether…they think it’s [okay] for a woman to ask a man out on a date. There was a huge gender divide. The women, by and large, communicated that it’s perhaps [okay] but certainly not preferable. Most of the men communicated something along the lines of ‘Bring it On!’” (p. 69).
The explanation for the difference was, among other posits, research suggesting (and I would agree is often true) that “women evidently get their happiness from being desired, [while] men get their thrill from the chase” (p. 72). But truthfully (and as the authors also point out), there’s a whole lot of men out there who don’t particularly like the chase, especially in the realm of Christian dating.
Before I address this area, I’ll add the assumption that who should make the first move is usually an issue when you like someone you have another kind of existing relationship with– such as a friend, coworker, business associate or teammate – especially one you’ve had a long time. If these relationships turn romantic, you often still have to interact closely if there’s a break up, or you may lose a person you value apart from romance. In these circumstances, you have to first feel out the other person to find out if they’d even want to go there – if you’re the only one who does, that alone could ruin the existing relationship. This combination of emotions and circumstance can also be paralyzing. And the more emotionally invested and scared you are, the more your usual behavior will probably be materially altered, perhaps by overreacting to every little thing that other person does. By contrast, when you date someone you don’t have an existing relationship with, I think that, at least initially it’s easier because 1) if that person rejects you you’re probably only mildly disappointed because you didn’t know each other that well anyway, and 2) if it goes sour, that will probably end your interaction with less at stake.
Does the Man Have to Do the Asking?
The issue of “the first move” can be complicated in Christian settings. As the authors address, if you’re trying to live for God, part of the equation is dating someone He’d want you with. That also means it’s probably not best to just dive into the relationship – especially where you have an existing, non-romantic relationship. Camerin says, “…it takes time, prayer, keen observation skills and input from others you respect to figure out the true character of a potential date or mate” (p. 75). Also, if you agree that you should be dating someone with the qualities you desire in a mate (not that you have to know that you’ll marry that person – it can be very unhealthy to date someone thinking you’re going to marry that person before the relationship gets serious), and those qualities should be biblical, your evaluation has to be in that light.
As a Christian woman, a necessary criterion is dating a man who shows healthy spiritual leadership qualities. One way for him to exhibit that leadership is to initiate the relationship. Todd, the male author, noted that some women take the connection between a man asking and spiritual leadership pretty far: “I’ve often heard women say that if a guy they’re interested in isn’t asking them out, then he must be ‘gutless’ or incapable of being the spiritual leader” (p. 74). Although I think that’s harsh, I do have somewhat of an implicit expectation that a Man of God would – or should, if he’s interested in me, be praying about asking me out—and that he should do it if he’s led to through prayer. It also relates to that need-to-feel-desired thing as a woman. Personally, if a guy does not ask me out, I pretty much conclude that he’s “just not that into me,” or he has some other issue with asking me out that outweighs whatever feelings he may have for me— maybe even that he’s prayed about it and doesn’t feel led to. Whatever the reason, it translates into “no discernable interest” in me. Under that circumstance, no matter how much my heart pines for you, you wouldn’t see me doing any initiating.
But enter Todd’s perspective that it may not be a bad thing for a woman to ask out a man. I have to admit that it hit me because most Christian guys I know agree, albeit reluctantly, that although it may be tough, it’s their responsibility to ask the woman out. And I’ve never dated a guy who hasn’t asked me out. However, following the “spiritual leader” comment, Todd cautiously presented an alternate view of a man’s hesitancy to ask out a woman, and added some biblical context:
“Let me tell you a secret: guy’s aren’t mind readers…So if a woman has an interest, she may prayerfully choose to let the guy know about it – not because he’s too timid or obtuse but because otherwise he just might not realize she’s interested…(But I only believe that’s true… if a man has an interest, has prayed about it, and fails to act on it…)…Because I know women may have interest in a man who doesn’t notice or already have interest in her, I don’t think initiation by a woman automatically sets a dangerous leadership precedent. But of course it could. Luckily, it’s not a one-shot deal. After a woman does make that move, she can observe the rest of the relationship to see if the guy models godly leadership. We see this in the Bible (Ruth 3).”
I certainly appreciated this perspective, and do feel that, although as I said I don’t make sweeping generalizations about a man’s spiritual leadership based on him not making the move, I do take for granted that the man should be the one to ask the woman out first. And this belief is commonly held in the Christian circles, too. I had to go back to the Ruth/Boaz story because it’s not one I hear much in the context of dating. Instead, comments like “Rebecca did not look for Isaac; Isaac found her. Rachel did not look for Jacob; Jacob looked for her” abound. In college I went to a Bible study where I probably heard those references every week for a year.
In Chapter 3 Ruth follows the advice of Naomi, the mother of her deceased husband, by going to “lay at Boaz’s feet,” (v. 4) which, just from reading the passage (i.e., not doing any exegesis), appeared to be a significant practice that, at least in this context, let him know she was romantically interested. I guess, if translated into our context, Ruth’s actions would amount to making the first move—saying, “Will you go out with me,” and Boaz responding “Yes” –and then some (v. 10-11).
This argument is a point for the “girl go ahead” side. Again, however, in the book no conclusions are made about whether a woman should do this, only that it’s not necessarily a bad—or wrong— thing, and it can be positive. Also, the author still notes that, ultimately, under a biblical model, a man has to take a healthy leadership role—one that respects the woman.
SOMWHERE IN BETWEEN?
The authors also make a suggestion on more comfortable, middle ground, one which I think is already commonly employed from a female perspective: at least letting the guy know you’re interested. Camerin, after expressing her hesitancy to ask out a guy, also concedes,
“I don’t think it’s fair for [women] to simply sit back and expect men to read out minds and then to take the risks we’re not so keen on taking ourselves. It seems the very least we can do is to offer a few hints of our interest” (p. 77).
I totally agree, but the suggestion is compounded by the fact that people perceive “hints” differently. Some think that if you’re not touchy or overt, you’re not showing interest. Although I think we all generally know what it means to complete an intentional act—in this case intentionally let someone else know that you’re interested—you may find one person’s definition of “showing interest” is different from another’s. From a female perspective, I know guys can be totally oblivious, and often require very overt acts of interest—such as heavy flirting— that I am uncomfortable doing. I think it’s more important to hint naturally; be you—that’s who the other person will be dating, anyway. Whatever you do to express your interest, however, does make the process easier for both parties—especially for the person doing the asking, who faces a higher risk of being rejected, which we all fear.
CONCLUSION
Whatever your opinion about who should do the asking, ultimately being with the person God has for you more often than not requires prayerfully taking some action—not just sitting and waiting. (This is, of course, assuming God has someone for you. I’m currently not prepared to get into a theological discussion of the gift of singleness—although I’ve heard it broken down that anyone who desires to get married probably doesn’t have it—but people who do have it claim that’s not necessarily true). Anyway, Camerin states:
“When I look at the Bible and the way God has traditionally worked amidst his people, I see that action is usually required on our part. Joshua and the Israelites had to wade in the Jordan before it would begin to part (Joshua 3: 7-17). Several times Jesus commanded people to wash in a river (John 9:1-7) or to rise and pick up their mat before they would be healed (John 5:1-9). Time and again, God works in our action, meeting our steps of faith. Sure, God can bring Mr./Ms. Right to our doorstep…More realistically, I have a feeling God nudges us to attend that photography class at the local community college or join that committee at church—and does so for a single man or woman who’s a great match for us. Hopefully we’re not so intent on sitting at home waiting for our doorbell to act on that nudge… Most important, I think we need to pray not just for open doors but for wisdom and openness to see them—and the confidence to open them” (p. 84-85).
Despite the thought-provoking discussion, I don’t think I would ever be comfortable asking a guy out first—mostly because I believe in having a relationship that’s somewhat unusual even in Christian circles, so it’s important I get a sense that he’s seriously given the idea of us being together to God—employing not just a little prayer, but a lot—and that he’s really up for the challenges that we’ll deal with—ones he probably has not dealt with in previous relationships. If he doesn’t share his interest and I have to initiate, under the circumstances it would probably mean that I would be more into him than he’s into me, and that would make the relationship especially difficult—beyond the problems that disparity often poses in more usual relationships. And the commitments I've made are first to God--and ones I believe He's asked of me to make, so he has to be comofortable with them--and at least share the sentiment behind them, even if he hasn't expressed the commitment in the same way I have before.
At the same time, where two people are seeking God’s will, I also believe that He’ll work out the human kinks. If God wants two people together, it will happen after He’s spoken to both of them, and if both are willing to act on that leading. Even when you're willing to act, however, it can be difficult to open up where strong emotions, mixed with uncertainty about their meaning, are involved. But there are, of course, passages that speak directly to overcoming fear. One of my favorite: 2 Timothy 1: 7— “But God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love and self discipline.” When we’re acting in His will, we have to be confident to make a move at His leading!
Lesson
What I’ve liked most about reading this chapter (and the book) is that it’s also gotten my friends talking—rethinking, or at least rehashing—our dating views. Check it out…it’s a good read!
