I just wanted to pass on a few good resources that I’ve been meditating on recently...
“LOVE BIRDS”
This is a 5-part message series from my pastor on pitfalls in marriage that both married and single people should avoid. The premise is that two people who were originally “love birds” can enter a marriage and become “angry birds.” He addresses 15 landmines, or pitfalls, such as the Desperation, Finance and Romance Traps, and provides practical, godly solutions for avoiding or overcoming each. The series offers hope for married and single people alike.
"Love Birds," which we just ended this past Sunday, has been loads of fun at our church too – we had a set design based on the popular “Angry Birds” game - complete with game characters, and we had people dressed up in angry bird costumes (I personally had never played the game – I generally don’t do games – but it was cool learning about it through planning for the series with our creative team!).
Both the sermon notes and the messages are available here. Or, you can get the sermons on iTunes, Podcasts > The Bridge DC > Love Birds, Parts 1-5.
“WORSHIP,” PART 5
This is a great message on worship from Miles McPherson, Pastor of The Rock Church in San Diego. I like the whole five-part series, but for me this message in particular, "Worship as a Weapon," really captured the meaning of exalting God. I think it’s especially useful for evaluating whether we are truly, authentically worshipping God for who He is.
You can access the Part 5 message here and the whole series here, or on iTunes, Podcasts > The Rock Church - Weekend Messages (Miles McPherson) > Worship.
"GREY MATTER," PART 2
Another message series, this one from Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church on what to do in situations when the voice of God does not seem clear. This never ceases to be a hot topic in Christian circles! Another very practical message. It's titled "Beat the Devil...Meet the Press" (you'll have to listen to get it, lol). You can do so here, or download on iTunes, Podcasts > Elevation Church: Charlotte, NC > Grey Matter, Part 2.
JAMIE GRACE CD
I’ve been killing this CD called One Song at a Time by contemporary Christian artist Jamie Grace. I saw it for months at the Christian bookstore before I finally decided to get it, and I’m glad I did!
One Song at a Time is comprised of catchy songs on themes such as loving God and others, identity and self worth, and waiting. I am no musician, but from what I gather, her sound can be described as pop-folk-soul. Right now my favorite tracks are “Show Jesus” (although I take slight issue with one line), on doing just that, and "You Lead," about trusting God with your life. I also give a nod to “God Girl” for my teen girls group (it has a timely “facebook” reference in particular!). The song “Hold Me” (featuring Toby Mac, for those familiar), is also a hit on Christian charts.
MUNCH!
Colossians 3:2 says that we should set our minds on things above, not on earthly things. Thank God for the many sweet ways that we can digest His truth!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Friday, March 02, 2012
THE KISS
I've been having a lot of conversations with other Christians about kissing recently. How it fits into setting boundaries in romantic relationships. The one that most inspired this entry was a discussion about a couple in the news who saved the very first kiss that either had ever had for marriage.
You may have seen the kiss. It had originally aired sometime in late 2011 advertising the TLC show Virgin Diaries. Apparently the kiss spread on YouTube and was reported in the news, although I had missed it.
In our conversation, some had commented that the kiss was quite unattractive, sloppy and inappropriate. I learned that the couple were lampooned for the display. In the headlines, the keyword for the kiss was "awkward."
Without having seen the kiss (which I was quick to admit), I defended the couple's right to express themselves with an unattractive and sloppy kiss as an appropriate display. I noted that it would not be abnormal for two people who had never locked lips not to look good doing so. Also, not knowing their theology, I could not speak to their motivation, but I did think of it as a bold, counter cultural way to take a stand for their values - and likely biblical purity.
I did later see the kiss - and an interview with the couple responding to buzz over it. I can admit that the kiss was not an attractive sight to behold. But I could still stand by my comment that they were not inappropriate for having it.
A highlight from the interview with the couple was their comment that on some level they were surprised at the public response to their kiss when, in fact, they were aware of people all over who were making the same choice. I immediately thought of Worth the Wait Revolution and the fact that so many people who are part of the revolution had made the commitment not to kiss anyone again until their wedding day also, even if they had kissed others in the past. Worth the Wait is part of a movement in which Christians specifically are taking a radical stance to live purity in a way that the rest of the world - and at times other Christians - just can't understand.
I also couldn't help but reflect on my story. At 26, I made a commitment to save all my kisses for marriage. I've spoken some on this blog about why I pursue purity, and specifically why anyone would possibly save kissing for marriage, but I have never devoted an entire entry to “Why I Believe in Saving Kissing for Marriage.” This is that entry.
Heading There
I never set out on my purity journey declaring that I wanted to save kissing for marriage. As I’ve said before, although I first made a commitment to purity in junior high -- and believed that a kiss should be “more special” than people often made it out to be, I still planned to do it before marriage.
By the time I had spent a couple years in college, however, and had a few encounters where I had the opportunity to kiss guys but chose to pull away, I realized I only wanted to kiss after at least a few months of dating a guy who fit my God-given vision for a mate. For the next few years after, “I’m not kissing until I’m in a committed, God-honoring relationship” pretty much became my line.
Deciding.
My decision to save all my kisses for marriage happened in late 2008. That also was the year that I became affiliated with Worth the Wait. About that time, and into the next year, I spent time really asking God to give me a deeper understanding of purity. In particular, there are three reflections (with several “sub reflections,” lol) that compelled me to make the commitment, which I’ll share.
No In Between
First, I came to understand that the only relationship I had ever wanted was one leading to marriage for God's glory, and I was only willing to date guys to whom I could be married. I wasn't compelled to be in a relationship for companionship, happiness, or so I could experience physical pleasure. Granted, those were all things I wanted in a marriage, but they had never been worth sacrificing God's plans for me - which was why in the past I was never able to sacrifice my vision to date someone who did not meet the standard.
I also was reminded of the vision God had already given me, which I was waiting for: A man who shared my spiritual convictions and beliefs, was radically committed to Jesus and showed unconditional love. A man with whom I could have a companionship with mutual challenging and encouragement to be more like Jesus. The kind of man whose spiritual judgment I could trust to raise our children to know the Word of God, love God, and to be even more whole-hearted ambassadors for Jesus than ourselves. The man who understood God's design for marriage – and could be committed to the kind of marriage that others would be able to look at and give God glory.
I knew that, until that day, in the waiting and uncertainty, I did not want to be detoured by the dangers that can come when physical lines are ridden or crossed in dating. I also knew that interaction before marriage establishes the direction for the marriage. I truly came to believe that I am so dependent on God for a wonderful marriage that I did not want any interaction with my future husband before marriage to add any unnecessary challenges to living matrimony for His glory. I had seen all the pitfalls that often came with kissing – and other like contact – and I was just not willing to risk falling into them. Refraining from kissing would be one of a few powerful ways to avoid them.
His Honor, His Plan
Related to that, I also wanted to make the commitment not to kiss in full obedience to God. I reflected on a common instruction from Christian leaders that a dating couple should set physical boundaries in their relationship based on what the "weaker” person can handle. For example, if one party cannot handle kissing without wanting to go any farther but the other can, there should be no kissing, but if both can handle kissing, kissing on some level is okay; if anyone cannot handle holding hands, even that should be off limits.
While I appreciate that direction for the fact that it aligns with the principle that we should base our standards on what will honor God rather than what the world says is "no big deal," I also felt that it presented a problem: in order to know where your boundary is, you have to come at least somewhat close to crossing it.
Despite the fact that I had never kissed anyone, I had experienced being aroused by someone else without having touched that person. I think arousal is a natural part of being attracted to someone else - in fact, I think it's fair to say that arousal is what leads to physicality. However, I had no idea how aroused I could possibly get without acting on my arousal. Perhaps I could be okay kissing someone else and not going any farther, but perhaps I would not be.
‘Not Even A Hint’
Scripture also came to mind as I thought about the “weaker party” instruction and where to draw the line. Ephesians 5:3 says, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”
Not even a hint – that’s a pretty high standard! What I took from the passage was that I should avoid putting myself in any situation that could even sorta-kinda seem impure. Being honest with myself, I had looked forward to kissing someone else in dating to satisfy my flesh rather than as an ingredient for cultivating a God-honoring relationship. And with the standard that there should not even be a hint of sexual immorality, I decided I did not want to take the chance of dishonoring God in kissing. Perhaps I could avoid dishonoring God doing it at least some of the time – but I could not say that I would always be seeking to honor God by kissing. With that realized, I decided to give up the idea of doing so before marriage.
God’s Will
The conviction through the living, active and powerful Word of God did not stop there. I also peeped 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8:
Further, the passage contrasts the sexual purity that is supposed to define us with the impurity that should not. God’s people are to conduct themselves in a way that is “holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God” (vv. 4-5). In other words, when we engage in sexual immorality, we’re not being the people God set us apart to be. When Christians fall into sexual sin, we are actually having an identity crisis!
Not only that, we don’t just pursue purity for our own gain, but also so we can help our brothers and sisters in Christ live out God’s will for their lives ( see v. 6). That means that even a kiss should be with the intent to build up our brother or sister in the Lord (which also assumes that Christians are dating Christians!). That really narrows what kind of kissing, if any, is acceptable!
The passage also says that there is a price for walking into sexual immorality (see v. 6). Proverbs 14:12 and Proverbs 16:25 also both say, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” That’s the exact same verse, repeated twice in Scripture! “Death” can be in the most literal sense, that of our physical bodies at the end of life on earth, but it can also be death of something while we are still living, such as a relationship, desire, plan or blessing. Because sexual immorality is not in God’s design for us, when we engage in it we face consequences of death that speak for themselves. We trade momentary pleasure for lasting pain.
But the good news is that there is no penalty for setting safeguards for avoiding “even a hint” of sexual immorality; in fact, as we pursue controlling our bodies in a way that is holy and honorable, we experience the life that the Creator of the Universe desires for us. In sharp context, if I choose not to kiss although I could possibly handle kissing, I lose nothing – in fact, I gain! But where I choose to kiss where I might fall into sexual immorality – i.e., a “hint” of it or more, I can lose much!
Amid the many truths in 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8, I think the greatest is found in verse 8: “Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” That’s the jugular! By Christians not pursing purity, we are actually blatantly rejecting the will of God – i.e., sinning!
Verse 8 is also a reminder that should help us be up for the challenge of pursuing purity: we are only enabled to live it through His Spirit. Often we do not even think of making commitments such as not kissing because we think we can’t handle them – but the truth is that it’s not about us. Paul said in Galatians 5:1, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Because of Jesus Christ's death and resurrection, and Him sending the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, to indwell believers, we do not have to be a slave to our sexual desires. Instead, we are free to live in the absolute purity to which we are called – and experience full life in Christ, without any bondage to sexual sin!
His Design
I also decided to make the commitment not to kiss as I came to understand God's design for sex better. Among the things I did to embrace God’s plan for sex while also maintaining purity was read Song of Songs, which I also later blogged through. Studying this book really helped me understand even more that sex was designed by God, belongs to God and is meant for the context of marriage, between one man and one woman.
Further, within that framework, the physical expressions done before sex – such as passionate kissing, caressing, foreplay – are meant to lead to one thing – S-E-X!!! Dr. Lindsay Marsh, founder of Worth the Wait Revolution, puts it in a way that helped open my eyes. The gist of what she says is that God did not design us to “start and stop” romantic touch. Touching one part there and another there was meant stimulate us in preparation for sex. As a result, when people say that sex “just happened” unplanned after engaging in physical contact while dating, that is absolutely right – and God meant for it to be that way! That is why not setting serious physical boundaries in dating is so deceptive and destructive!
Additionally, from studying Song of Songs I was struck by the fact that sex is meant to be undertaken, between a married man and woman, uninhibited. However, as a result of sexual sin, we have created a host of hang-ups that are not supposed to accompany sex. Particularly, in the Body of Christ one result has been to turn sex into something “dirty” and “shameful” that we don’t talk about “lest we be tarnished,” as I said in a previous entry.
The world has played off of the fact that Christians, who actually have The Guidebook for great sex in the Word of God, have made it a topic to avoid. Society’s false panacea has become a “sexual freedom” that calls for exploration of sex outside of God’s boundaries of marriage, be it in a “committed” non-marital relationship or between two otherwise “consenting adults” – or even through “self exploration.”
As a result of our human distortions, even people who pursue purity in what was believed to be a completely biblical context may not have not been immune to the idea after marriage that sex is a shameful thing. However, God intended us to have a healthy view of it – the one established in His Word. By learning about it while embracing standards in pre-marital romantic relationships that give us no regrets, we’re much closer to approaching it the way He desires when all the clothes do come off on the wedding night (and not before)!
Response
As I reflect on what God intended for sex to be, I can’t help but worship Him. An awesome message I listened to recently reminded me that worship is a right response to recognition of God’s character. When I think about the way that He designed sex, I am so humbled. And when we worship God, we offer our bodies as living sacrifices to Him. I am compelled to offer my kisses only to my husband as an act of worship to God in response to Him as the author of romance.
Further, I am compelled to save all my kisses for my husband because I WANT him to have them! Often, the world – and some Christians – think that’s such a crazy, “asexual” thing to do. But as I’ve established, it has everything to do with the Spirit in me, the God who created me, who has given me His divine power to do what seems impossible to man. I love what David said of God in Psalm 18: 29: “ With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.” In other words, that of the Apostle Paul in Philippians 4:13, “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I want my husband to comprehend both how much I loved him before I knew him, and how God can give us the strength to do anything together that He calls us to – sex and beyond!
Questions
A curious question that often comes with making a commitment not to kiss without having previously done so is, “what if your spouse doesn’t have their very first kiss to give you?” To me that matters not, because he will have our first kiss to give me! The Bible says in 1 John 1:9 that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive them, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. That goes for any hints of sexual immorality – and anything greater than a hint!
Further, refraining from kissing is not the only way to avoid falling into sexual sin, which includes even impure thoughts. While I choose not to kiss, I still at times fall short of God’s standard for sexual purity, and when I do, I ask God to forgive me, and then I accept that forgiveness and experience change. None of us is beyond His grace.
Never Kiss (Outside Marriage)?
So...do I think kissing before marriage is wrong in all circumstances? No... (dot, dot, dot). BUT, I do believe that, based on the biblical standard that there should not even be a hint of sexual immortality, passionate kissing (which I would define as a kiss beyond a second or two) cannot be justified. However, neither can even a peck if it is not done in all holiness.
In some circumstances, however, I think just a peck, and nothing more, can be a quick sign of affection for another like a hug that does not cross a line into impurity – although even a hug can be done in impurity. In other words (as noted in the “weaker party” instruction mentioned earlier), whatever causes us to stumble should be avoided no matter how “benign” it may seem.
So, I believe, based on Scripture, that if a dating Christian couple is going to kiss at all, (a) their motives must always be pure; (b) they must never go farther than the point to which they agreed, and that point should not be more than a quick kiss and (c) they must be willing to change their agreed boundary whenever necessary to avoid impurity (as must be done with other physical contact, even when a couple chooses not to kiss)! That’s a pretty lofty burden in my mind – one I personally do not want! Also, as I said before, the love of Christ - and my love for my future husband - compels me to make that choice (and somehow, I am sure that neither God nor my man will have a problem with that!). However, if you are certain, without any self deception, that you can hold the standard described in purity, and feel compelled to kiss in all godliness, purity and absolute holiness – then do it in freedom – and showing honor – to God!
On Discernment
God’s Word teaches us that it is essential to have godly wisdom. Having it in the area of purity is no exception. Proverbs 4:7 is so good I think it requires several versions:
If we want to know what God says about purity and be able to independently apply it to our lives, we have to both gain that knowledge from His Word and actively seek to live by it. None of us can sustain purity simply by what our pastors or church say we should do, the advice of “more spiritual” friends, our family, Christian books – all believers in Christ must possess biblical wisdom – at all costs. And, based on the Word of God, having biblical wisdom is the difference between life and death.
Further, based on the Word of God, the key to a God-honoring dating relationship – and a great marriage – is not personal experience, but godly wisdom. That means that if you possess it – even never having “practiced” physical contact in a dating relationship such as kissing, God will show you how to have a physical relationship in marriage that honors Him and is enjoyable – in His timing and way!
Too often, in the area of sexual purity the body of Christ has made experience a kind of god; in order for us to realize that God’s way for sex is better, we often wait until we experience the consequences of relationships dishonoring to God to come back to what He already said about it long ago. But God gave us a guide in His Word so we would not have to go there! Yes, God turns even the greatest mistakes of those who love Him for our good and we are forgiven when we ask, without condemnation in Christ. But if we follow His Word, we have the wisdom for establishing boundaries that may seem crazy to the world but, in actuality, free us from shame and regret – and help us live the full life He intended for us!
Need wisdom to conceive of – and then learn to live – sexual purity? Ask for it! God promises in His Word that if we lack wisdom but ask for it, without doubting, He will give it to us liberally, without reproach. It’s one of those prayer requests that we don’t have to wonder whether He’ll answer with yes. I love those! Seek Him for purity with all your heart. He’s already promised to hear you!
Epilogue (From the PuriDictionary)
"The Kiss"
Pronunciation: [unstressed before a consonant thuh; kis]
Definite article; noun
Definition.
1. The first time that two people lock lips with each other, on their wedding day.
And, oh yeah, God doesn’t care if it looks sloppy. To Him it is just perfect.
You may have seen the kiss. It had originally aired sometime in late 2011 advertising the TLC show Virgin Diaries. Apparently the kiss spread on YouTube and was reported in the news, although I had missed it.
In our conversation, some had commented that the kiss was quite unattractive, sloppy and inappropriate. I learned that the couple were lampooned for the display. In the headlines, the keyword for the kiss was "awkward."
Without having seen the kiss (which I was quick to admit), I defended the couple's right to express themselves with an unattractive and sloppy kiss as an appropriate display. I noted that it would not be abnormal for two people who had never locked lips not to look good doing so. Also, not knowing their theology, I could not speak to their motivation, but I did think of it as a bold, counter cultural way to take a stand for their values - and likely biblical purity.
I did later see the kiss - and an interview with the couple responding to buzz over it. I can admit that the kiss was not an attractive sight to behold. But I could still stand by my comment that they were not inappropriate for having it.
A highlight from the interview with the couple was their comment that on some level they were surprised at the public response to their kiss when, in fact, they were aware of people all over who were making the same choice. I immediately thought of Worth the Wait Revolution and the fact that so many people who are part of the revolution had made the commitment not to kiss anyone again until their wedding day also, even if they had kissed others in the past. Worth the Wait is part of a movement in which Christians specifically are taking a radical stance to live purity in a way that the rest of the world - and at times other Christians - just can't understand.
I also couldn't help but reflect on my story. At 26, I made a commitment to save all my kisses for marriage. I've spoken some on this blog about why I pursue purity, and specifically why anyone would possibly save kissing for marriage, but I have never devoted an entire entry to “Why I Believe in Saving Kissing for Marriage.” This is that entry.
Heading There
I never set out on my purity journey declaring that I wanted to save kissing for marriage. As I’ve said before, although I first made a commitment to purity in junior high -- and believed that a kiss should be “more special” than people often made it out to be, I still planned to do it before marriage.
By the time I had spent a couple years in college, however, and had a few encounters where I had the opportunity to kiss guys but chose to pull away, I realized I only wanted to kiss after at least a few months of dating a guy who fit my God-given vision for a mate. For the next few years after, “I’m not kissing until I’m in a committed, God-honoring relationship” pretty much became my line.
Deciding.
My decision to save all my kisses for marriage happened in late 2008. That also was the year that I became affiliated with Worth the Wait. About that time, and into the next year, I spent time really asking God to give me a deeper understanding of purity. In particular, there are three reflections (with several “sub reflections,” lol) that compelled me to make the commitment, which I’ll share.
No In Between
First, I came to understand that the only relationship I had ever wanted was one leading to marriage for God's glory, and I was only willing to date guys to whom I could be married. I wasn't compelled to be in a relationship for companionship, happiness, or so I could experience physical pleasure. Granted, those were all things I wanted in a marriage, but they had never been worth sacrificing God's plans for me - which was why in the past I was never able to sacrifice my vision to date someone who did not meet the standard.
I also was reminded of the vision God had already given me, which I was waiting for: A man who shared my spiritual convictions and beliefs, was radically committed to Jesus and showed unconditional love. A man with whom I could have a companionship with mutual challenging and encouragement to be more like Jesus. The kind of man whose spiritual judgment I could trust to raise our children to know the Word of God, love God, and to be even more whole-hearted ambassadors for Jesus than ourselves. The man who understood God's design for marriage – and could be committed to the kind of marriage that others would be able to look at and give God glory.
I knew that, until that day, in the waiting and uncertainty, I did not want to be detoured by the dangers that can come when physical lines are ridden or crossed in dating. I also knew that interaction before marriage establishes the direction for the marriage. I truly came to believe that I am so dependent on God for a wonderful marriage that I did not want any interaction with my future husband before marriage to add any unnecessary challenges to living matrimony for His glory. I had seen all the pitfalls that often came with kissing – and other like contact – and I was just not willing to risk falling into them. Refraining from kissing would be one of a few powerful ways to avoid them.
His Honor, His Plan
Related to that, I also wanted to make the commitment not to kiss in full obedience to God. I reflected on a common instruction from Christian leaders that a dating couple should set physical boundaries in their relationship based on what the "weaker” person can handle. For example, if one party cannot handle kissing without wanting to go any farther but the other can, there should be no kissing, but if both can handle kissing, kissing on some level is okay; if anyone cannot handle holding hands, even that should be off limits.
While I appreciate that direction for the fact that it aligns with the principle that we should base our standards on what will honor God rather than what the world says is "no big deal," I also felt that it presented a problem: in order to know where your boundary is, you have to come at least somewhat close to crossing it.
Despite the fact that I had never kissed anyone, I had experienced being aroused by someone else without having touched that person. I think arousal is a natural part of being attracted to someone else - in fact, I think it's fair to say that arousal is what leads to physicality. However, I had no idea how aroused I could possibly get without acting on my arousal. Perhaps I could be okay kissing someone else and not going any farther, but perhaps I would not be.
‘Not Even A Hint’
Scripture also came to mind as I thought about the “weaker party” instruction and where to draw the line. Ephesians 5:3 says, “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”
Not even a hint – that’s a pretty high standard! What I took from the passage was that I should avoid putting myself in any situation that could even sorta-kinda seem impure. Being honest with myself, I had looked forward to kissing someone else in dating to satisfy my flesh rather than as an ingredient for cultivating a God-honoring relationship. And with the standard that there should not even be a hint of sexual immorality, I decided I did not want to take the chance of dishonoring God in kissing. Perhaps I could avoid dishonoring God doing it at least some of the time – but I could not say that I would always be seeking to honor God by kissing. With that realized, I decided to give up the idea of doing so before marriage.
God’s Will
The conviction through the living, active and powerful Word of God did not stop there. I also peeped 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8:
3 It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, 5 not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6 and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. 7 For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 8 Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.This passage is loaded with so much truth! First, I was hit by the fact that God considers avoiding sexual immorality – of any kind – as part of being sanctified, and that it is His will for believers. And that’s a collective will! We spend so much time asking God what to do in specific situations – how we should choose our career; whom we should marry; where we should live; the list goes on – but sexual purity is one of those things that we don’t even have to pray about whether to embrace – God’s already said it’s His plan for all who believe!
Further, the passage contrasts the sexual purity that is supposed to define us with the impurity that should not. God’s people are to conduct themselves in a way that is “holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God” (vv. 4-5). In other words, when we engage in sexual immorality, we’re not being the people God set us apart to be. When Christians fall into sexual sin, we are actually having an identity crisis!
Not only that, we don’t just pursue purity for our own gain, but also so we can help our brothers and sisters in Christ live out God’s will for their lives ( see v. 6). That means that even a kiss should be with the intent to build up our brother or sister in the Lord (which also assumes that Christians are dating Christians!). That really narrows what kind of kissing, if any, is acceptable!
The passage also says that there is a price for walking into sexual immorality (see v. 6). Proverbs 14:12 and Proverbs 16:25 also both say, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” That’s the exact same verse, repeated twice in Scripture! “Death” can be in the most literal sense, that of our physical bodies at the end of life on earth, but it can also be death of something while we are still living, such as a relationship, desire, plan or blessing. Because sexual immorality is not in God’s design for us, when we engage in it we face consequences of death that speak for themselves. We trade momentary pleasure for lasting pain.
But the good news is that there is no penalty for setting safeguards for avoiding “even a hint” of sexual immorality; in fact, as we pursue controlling our bodies in a way that is holy and honorable, we experience the life that the Creator of the Universe desires for us. In sharp context, if I choose not to kiss although I could possibly handle kissing, I lose nothing – in fact, I gain! But where I choose to kiss where I might fall into sexual immorality – i.e., a “hint” of it or more, I can lose much!
Amid the many truths in 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-8, I think the greatest is found in verse 8: “Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.” That’s the jugular! By Christians not pursing purity, we are actually blatantly rejecting the will of God – i.e., sinning!
Verse 8 is also a reminder that should help us be up for the challenge of pursuing purity: we are only enabled to live it through His Spirit. Often we do not even think of making commitments such as not kissing because we think we can’t handle them – but the truth is that it’s not about us. Paul said in Galatians 5:1, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Because of Jesus Christ's death and resurrection, and Him sending the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, to indwell believers, we do not have to be a slave to our sexual desires. Instead, we are free to live in the absolute purity to which we are called – and experience full life in Christ, without any bondage to sexual sin!
His Design
I also decided to make the commitment not to kiss as I came to understand God's design for sex better. Among the things I did to embrace God’s plan for sex while also maintaining purity was read Song of Songs, which I also later blogged through. Studying this book really helped me understand even more that sex was designed by God, belongs to God and is meant for the context of marriage, between one man and one woman.
Further, within that framework, the physical expressions done before sex – such as passionate kissing, caressing, foreplay – are meant to lead to one thing – S-E-X!!! Dr. Lindsay Marsh, founder of Worth the Wait Revolution, puts it in a way that helped open my eyes. The gist of what she says is that God did not design us to “start and stop” romantic touch. Touching one part there and another there was meant stimulate us in preparation for sex. As a result, when people say that sex “just happened” unplanned after engaging in physical contact while dating, that is absolutely right – and God meant for it to be that way! That is why not setting serious physical boundaries in dating is so deceptive and destructive!
Additionally, from studying Song of Songs I was struck by the fact that sex is meant to be undertaken, between a married man and woman, uninhibited. However, as a result of sexual sin, we have created a host of hang-ups that are not supposed to accompany sex. Particularly, in the Body of Christ one result has been to turn sex into something “dirty” and “shameful” that we don’t talk about “lest we be tarnished,” as I said in a previous entry.
The world has played off of the fact that Christians, who actually have The Guidebook for great sex in the Word of God, have made it a topic to avoid. Society’s false panacea has become a “sexual freedom” that calls for exploration of sex outside of God’s boundaries of marriage, be it in a “committed” non-marital relationship or between two otherwise “consenting adults” – or even through “self exploration.”
As a result of our human distortions, even people who pursue purity in what was believed to be a completely biblical context may not have not been immune to the idea after marriage that sex is a shameful thing. However, God intended us to have a healthy view of it – the one established in His Word. By learning about it while embracing standards in pre-marital romantic relationships that give us no regrets, we’re much closer to approaching it the way He desires when all the clothes do come off on the wedding night (and not before)!
Response
As I reflect on what God intended for sex to be, I can’t help but worship Him. An awesome message I listened to recently reminded me that worship is a right response to recognition of God’s character. When I think about the way that He designed sex, I am so humbled. And when we worship God, we offer our bodies as living sacrifices to Him. I am compelled to offer my kisses only to my husband as an act of worship to God in response to Him as the author of romance.
Further, I am compelled to save all my kisses for my husband because I WANT him to have them! Often, the world – and some Christians – think that’s such a crazy, “asexual” thing to do. But as I’ve established, it has everything to do with the Spirit in me, the God who created me, who has given me His divine power to do what seems impossible to man. I love what David said of God in Psalm 18: 29: “ With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.” In other words, that of the Apostle Paul in Philippians 4:13, “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I want my husband to comprehend both how much I loved him before I knew him, and how God can give us the strength to do anything together that He calls us to – sex and beyond!
Questions
A curious question that often comes with making a commitment not to kiss without having previously done so is, “what if your spouse doesn’t have their very first kiss to give you?” To me that matters not, because he will have our first kiss to give me! The Bible says in 1 John 1:9 that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive them, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. That goes for any hints of sexual immorality – and anything greater than a hint!
Further, refraining from kissing is not the only way to avoid falling into sexual sin, which includes even impure thoughts. While I choose not to kiss, I still at times fall short of God’s standard for sexual purity, and when I do, I ask God to forgive me, and then I accept that forgiveness and experience change. None of us is beyond His grace.
Never Kiss (Outside Marriage)?
So...do I think kissing before marriage is wrong in all circumstances? No... (dot, dot, dot). BUT, I do believe that, based on the biblical standard that there should not even be a hint of sexual immortality, passionate kissing (which I would define as a kiss beyond a second or two) cannot be justified. However, neither can even a peck if it is not done in all holiness.
In some circumstances, however, I think just a peck, and nothing more, can be a quick sign of affection for another like a hug that does not cross a line into impurity – although even a hug can be done in impurity. In other words (as noted in the “weaker party” instruction mentioned earlier), whatever causes us to stumble should be avoided no matter how “benign” it may seem.
So, I believe, based on Scripture, that if a dating Christian couple is going to kiss at all, (a) their motives must always be pure; (b) they must never go farther than the point to which they agreed, and that point should not be more than a quick kiss and (c) they must be willing to change their agreed boundary whenever necessary to avoid impurity (as must be done with other physical contact, even when a couple chooses not to kiss)! That’s a pretty lofty burden in my mind – one I personally do not want! Also, as I said before, the love of Christ - and my love for my future husband - compels me to make that choice (and somehow, I am sure that neither God nor my man will have a problem with that!). However, if you are certain, without any self deception, that you can hold the standard described in purity, and feel compelled to kiss in all godliness, purity and absolute holiness – then do it in freedom – and showing honor – to God!
On Discernment
God’s Word teaches us that it is essential to have godly wisdom. Having it in the area of purity is no exception. Proverbs 4:7 is so good I think it requires several versions:
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.Though it cost all you have, get understanding. (NIV)Wisdom is often defined as the application of knowledge. That means it requires two things: knowledge first; application, second. We can only gain biblical wisdom by diving into the Word of God, and then applying it.
Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. (NIV 1984)
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. (ESV)
Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding. (NKJV)
Getting wisdom is the wisest thing you can do! And whatever else you do, develop good judgment. (NLT)
If we want to know what God says about purity and be able to independently apply it to our lives, we have to both gain that knowledge from His Word and actively seek to live by it. None of us can sustain purity simply by what our pastors or church say we should do, the advice of “more spiritual” friends, our family, Christian books – all believers in Christ must possess biblical wisdom – at all costs. And, based on the Word of God, having biblical wisdom is the difference between life and death.
Further, based on the Word of God, the key to a God-honoring dating relationship – and a great marriage – is not personal experience, but godly wisdom. That means that if you possess it – even never having “practiced” physical contact in a dating relationship such as kissing, God will show you how to have a physical relationship in marriage that honors Him and is enjoyable – in His timing and way!
Too often, in the area of sexual purity the body of Christ has made experience a kind of god; in order for us to realize that God’s way for sex is better, we often wait until we experience the consequences of relationships dishonoring to God to come back to what He already said about it long ago. But God gave us a guide in His Word so we would not have to go there! Yes, God turns even the greatest mistakes of those who love Him for our good and we are forgiven when we ask, without condemnation in Christ. But if we follow His Word, we have the wisdom for establishing boundaries that may seem crazy to the world but, in actuality, free us from shame and regret – and help us live the full life He intended for us!
Need wisdom to conceive of – and then learn to live – sexual purity? Ask for it! God promises in His Word that if we lack wisdom but ask for it, without doubting, He will give it to us liberally, without reproach. It’s one of those prayer requests that we don’t have to wonder whether He’ll answer with yes. I love those! Seek Him for purity with all your heart. He’s already promised to hear you!
Epilogue (From the PuriDictionary)
"The Kiss"
Pronunciation: [unstressed before a consonant thuh; kis]
Definite article; noun
Definition.
1. The first time that two people lock lips with each other, on their wedding day.
And, oh yeah, God doesn’t care if it looks sloppy. To Him it is just perfect.
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