I’ve said in this series that God delights in lovemaking, His way. Chapter Four of Song of Songs is proof. It’s a beautiful model for what a couple’s first experience having sex—or anything like it— should be.
After many mutual investments in the bank of love- meaningful meet ups, resolved conflicts, praises exchanged—acts that strengthened their bond of love --they are ready to cash in on a profitable return.
And reap their dividends they do. As interpreted, Chapter Four is their wedding night, after a ceremony of extravagant, public rejoicing. Thereafter they retreat to their chambers and lie together, for the first time, naked and unashamed.
Chapter Four
This passage epitomizes lovemaking. In fact, it writes the textbook. The Lover doesn’t high five his new wife and say something like, “yes, now we can do the deed!” Instead, he takes his time to unlock yet another layer of love with both gentleness and passion.
The Lover, in this passage far more vocal, sets the mood for their first night together in verses one to fifteen, which take place right before they consummate their marriage. In that span, he takes his time not only getting her ready for the moment, but also uses it as an opportunity to express his deep love and admiration for her. He praises Beloved from head to toe, inside and out. Because so much contextual information was needed to grasp the events that occurred, I will rely heavily on the commentary I have been using to explain it, and reserve most other comments for the conclusion.
Praise for Beloved’s Appearance
Verses 1 - 5
In verse one, the Lover initiates his all-out accolades for Beloved. The flattery begins with an unveiling, literally. At that time, women in that region, the “Near East,” usually wore veils only on their wedding day and removed them once they got to the chambers after it (a tradition we probably borrowed from, although a brief look at the history of veils showed a number of cultures influenced their use in modern day). As Beloved prepares to unveil, the Lover says, “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves.” The commentary explains, “Doves were know for their tranquility in the ancient world, and since one’s eyes are ‘windows in his soul’ reflecting his character, [he] was praising her calm and innocent character.” Jack S. Deere, Song of Songs, The Bible Knowledge Commentary: Old Testament, pg. 1017 (recognizing that beauty is more than skin deep!)
Then the Lover expresses how much her looks turned him on. He uses agricultural metaphors to describe various parts of her body that are somewhat hard to appreciate as stated. As a result, I’ll translate each description the Lover gives, with help from the commentary:
Verse/Description and Translation
1 “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead” Translation: Your hair is dark, flowing and rich
2 “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn…not one of them
is alone.”
Translation: Girl, ya got straight, white teeth!
3 “Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely.”
Translation: The outline of your mouth and the shape of your lips
are perfect.
3 “Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a
pomegranate.”
Translation:Your temple and cheeks are a pretty, sweet reddish color.
4 “Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance, on it
hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors.”
Translation:You’re so elegant and classy, like a queen.
5 “Your two breasts are like fawns, like twins of a gazelle that
browse among the lilies.”
Translation: Your breasts are soft and gentle, like your beauty,
and I want to caress them.
(Deere, pg. 1019)
Then, he ends the outward praise by declaring, in verse 5, “All beautiful, you are, my darling! There is no flaw in you!”
Ladies, imagine being the recipient of such intimate, lavish compliments from your lover, especially on the first night you see each other naked! Perhaps it may seem a fairy tale reserved only for a woman with a perfect, swimsuit model body, but remember that the Beloved herself expressed insecurities about her own appearance—for example, that she had been sunburned. However, the Lover does not focus on any of her objective flaws—he shares how she looks in his eyes—the only eyes that matter (Deere, pg. 1020)!
Guys, imagine how beautiful you would make your bride feel by giving her such unbridled praise for her looks in a world where her figure may not be considered “good” enough! You’d be letting her know that she is all you want—which means everything!
The Lover’s Request
Verse 8
Further basking in the joy of the night, the Lover asks Beloved to release any apprehension she has about their first sexual experience. At the end of verse eight he says, “Descend…from the lions’ den and the mountain haunts of the leopard.” The commentary explains: “The lions’ den may represent fearful places or circumstances…[the Lover] was asking his bride to leave her thoughts of home and put her fears behind her in order to concentrate completely on him, as he had done for her.” Deere, pg. 1019.
The Lover’s Depiction of Beloved’s Response
Verses 9 – 11
Apparently, the Lover’s words were just what Beloved needed to feel free. She takes her turn at displaying her uninhibited passion for her man with her actions, not words. The commentary does a great job of capturing it. Below is each relevant verse, then an excerpt from the commentary’s analysis. Note that as translated “sister” was a term for lover (i.e., the Lover didn’t marry his sister, lol):
Verse 9: “You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.”
Explanation: “The words ‘stolen my heart’ mean to be robbed of either one’s willpower or the ability to think clearly. The effect of his bride’s [physical expression of] love was so powerful that even a glance from her beautiful eyes or even seeing an article of jewelry or clothing associated with her was enchanting to [him]."
Verse 10: “How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!”
Explanation: “The word [in verse 10 for] love was used for physical expressions of romantic love. The verse might be more accurately translated, ‘How delightful are your kisses. How much more pleasing are your caresses than wine.’ Her physical expressions of love had a more refreshing and intoxicating effect on him than wine, just as his expression had earlier affected her. Even her perfume added to the excitement of their love. The senses of sight, touch, smell, and sound were involved in their lovemaking.”
Me: All right!
Verse 11: “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon.”
Explanation: “The [B]eloved gave herself freely with joy. She was not at all passive in their lovemaking. Her kisses were ‘as desirable as milk as sweet as honey.’ Milk and honey are combined here probably to allude to the fact that Canaan [the land promised to the Israelites when they left Egypt] was a land of milk and honey. Just as the land, rich in agricultural prosperity, was a source of blessing and joy to the people, so her kisses were a source of joy to him.”
(Deere, pg. 1019-1020)
Esteem for Beloved’s Purity
Verses 12-15
I love this part. Up to this point, they have been lovingly exploring each other’s bodies, but they have not yet consummated the marriage. Before they do, the Lover is sure to praise his bride’s purity. He compares her virginity to “a garden locked up…a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.” He is expressing that she has reserved herself completely for him, and for that he is thankful, and esteems her (v. 12). He extends the “locked up garden” metaphor in verses 13 -14, picking pleasing, well-known fruits and spices to describe the value of her purity:
“13)Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, with henna and nard, 14) nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with every kind of incense tree, with myrrh and aloes and all the fine spices.”
But he does not dwell on the delight of her “sealed” garden forever. In preparation for the act of love that is about to take place, he puts her purity in the marriage context, declaring that it will continue even after they consummate:
15)"You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon."
The commentary explains: “…The water is pure and wholesome, like flowing water streaming down from Lebanon, and is now accessible to the [Lover]. When the bride surrendered her virginity to her husband, she was no less pure for doing so. The progression from a garden foundation to a ‘water streaming down’ indicates that his beloved more than quenched [the Lover’s] desire for her and fully satisfied him. As mountain streams are refreshing so she refreshed him” (pg. 1020).
Both the passage and explanation highlight that purity is not just a thing you are—but also a thing you do, a lifestyle that is determined by daily seeking God in thought and deed. Beloved remained pure in marriage because having sex did not change her character. Also, the verse contrasts the idea of sex as “dirty”—a distortion that is often repeated in religious circles. However, God has never denigrated the act itself—only having it outside of his boundaries, marriage. But here, sex His way is clearly celebrated. And in that context we can appreciate it freely, with no guilt or shame.
The Moment
Verses 4: 16 – 5:1
Before they have sex, Beloved, usually much more vocal in the Book, speaks her first words of the chapter in verse 16: they are an invitation for her Lover to “fully possess her (i.e., come into her)” (Deere, pg. 1020). Playing on the Lover’s “garden” metaphor, she declares, “Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruit” (v. 16).
In response, the Lover tastes, and is fully satisfied. He contentedly declares (still analogizing to a garden), “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey. I have drunk my wine and my milk” (5:1).
The Lover saying “my garden,” showing possession of his wife’s body, is a reminder that, as often said, sex causes two people to become “one flesh.” In biblical context, the joining is discussed in light of marriage. When sex occurs outside marriage, it creates a “joining” without the commitment that God intended. The verse is a reminder that, when they joined in marriage, her body—including her “garden”—now belonged to him; his, to her.
Thoughts from a “Friend”
Song of Songs 5: 1
The following portion of verse one of Chapter Five has resulted in fascinating conjecture. In it someone says to the Lover and Beloved, “Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers.” In the NIV, the statement is attributed to “Friends,” who would have been the daughters of Jerusalem (as discussed, young women citizens of the city). However, other translations such as the NASB (New American Standard Bible) and the King James do not specifically attribute the statement to anyone. The commentary asserts:
“It is unlikely that [as in the NIV that] friends, wedding guests, or any other persons would have been present in the bedroom at the consummation of the couple’s marriage. A more plausible suggestion is that the speaker was God Himself. Only their Creator would have been a ‘guest’ on that occasion. Since their love was from Him it was fitting that He approve it. He invited them to enjoy sexual love in marriage as if it were a banquet (“eat…and drink”). This clearly indicates God’s approval of marriage, which He designed in the Garden of Eden” (pg. 1019 - 1020).
In this light, imagine having sex, and the God of the Universe is cheering you on! Even if this interpretation is not correct, it still squares with God’s character—He delights in blessing His children with good things, including romantic love, and He celebrates when they do it His way!
Thoughts on the Passage
I have to say that I really had to meditate—and pray—about this passage. There’s so much in this most beautiful picture of lovemaking to apply to our own lives, single or married. And the issue of sexual purity, so dear to my heart, really squares with this section of The Song. I’ll share several observations:
1. Touch in Dating
First, considering God’s plan for sex in marriage should profoundly affect the way we view physical touch outside of marriage. The lovers’ encounter in Song of Songs Chapter Four is special not just because they have sex for the first time, but also because it is the first time they really explore each other’s bodies at all. Their lovemaking before consummation that night was far more intimate than anything they had experienced while dating or courting. Prior to that their relationship was about developing their friendship, deepening their devotion to each other—and “not awakening love until it so desired.” And when it did “desire,” in this passage, it was on—in full force! But it was all at the time God ordained!
I believe that, based on a biblical model, our physical desires are not meant to be met in a dating—or even a courting—relationship. Instead, as Christians our physical interaction in these contexts has to be motivated by a desire to pursue holiness—not to see how close we can go without “going over” by having sex. And, further, honoring God in the highest way requires we think twice—even three times—about even the seemingly mundane physical acts that we assume are perfectly fine. Our goal should be how much can we save for marriage—not how much we can risk.
From this perspective, the idea of not kissing before marriage should be easier to grasp. I could do a whole other entry on that topic (and probably will at some point), but for now, I’ll refer to a message that breaks down why kissing, while not necessarily an issue of “right” and “wrong,” should be saved for marriage. I’ve linked to it before, but I will here again. I’ll also provide a short quote from it:
“I don’t think you can make the case that kissing is sex. But it is romantic and intimate, [and as such, should be reserved for marriage]...the theology [of sex in the Bible] screams, 'keep your hands and lips to yourself while dating!'” (Also see a similar message from my pastor that does not address kissing but, like the other one, addresses the issue of our bodies belonging to God as singles, not ourselves, and we should honor him with them as a result)
In dating relationships we often use kissing, rubbing, cuddling, etc., as substitutes to “hold us over” until we get to have the real deal. And, most often, attempts to hold off on sex while doing all the other things lead to one thing: sex with regrets. Our evaluation of what’s okay to do in a dating relationship should not be based on what the world thinks—e.g., that kissing is “no big deal,” but on what would please God. Not kissing—and setting other serious limits on physical touch in order to flee temptation and develop a relationship in His time—would hardly be “stupid” to God—the only Audience who should matter. In fact, He would honor the decision!
2. Transforming Our Views on Sex
Sex as Clean
On the other hand, I also think this passage is a reminder that Christians need to learn how to develop a healthy view of sex before they are married. The church has borrowed from the world’s distortions about sex. Because we see negative images of sex prominently displayed, and as a result of guilt and shame over our own decisions, we brand sex as “dirty” and something not to talk about, lest we be tarnished. And we as Christians often bring this baggage into our marriages, making it difficult to have the same kind of free, uninhibited sex that the Lover and Beloved had. But, as Song of Songs highlights, God’s plan for sex, when done in context, is meant to be enjoyable, unfettered and mind blowing! And there’s not a thing “naughty” about that!
Grasping God’s Tapestry for Sex
So how do single people living sexually pure learn to appreciate sex God’s way outside of marriage—and prepare for it in marriage—especially if they are not even kissing? I believe the answer is to embrace The Design, the but not the activity. Embracing the activity is meditating on the act of sex itself, by, for example, watching graphic sex scenes in movies or listening to sex-driven music; hanging out with people talking about their sexual experiences that do not honor God; engaging in physical relationships outside marriage that heighten thoughts about sex. By contrast, Embracing The Design is about learning to grasp God’s plan for sex in marriage through a variety of contained avenues He has given us, first of all His Word (e.g., Song of Songs!); discussions about it in a Christ-focused setting, such as a small group; reading Christian books about the topic; surrounding ourselves with people who can encourage us in purity. Unfortunately, the church has failed to address this issue as it should (conversations pretty much stop at “Don’t have Sex”), but there are more opportunities to understand it than we think! And even if we think there are none around us, He’ll bring them to us if we so desire!
I praise God that He has really been revealing Himself to me in this area. I’ve shared my journey in purity before, so I won’t rehash. But I will say that I’ve prayed earnestly for God to continuously grow my understanding of true purity while teaching me to appreciate the wonderful gift of sex that He has given. He has brought, among other things, the organization I often refer to: Worth the Wait Revolution, which is dedicated exclusively to promoting sexual purity (with contemporary style and urban class, I might add:)). We wrestle with all the issues single people face regarding sex through panels, fashion shows and group fellowship, and nothing we discuss ever gets old. It is not “just an organization for virgins”—nor does it assume that everyone who is a virgin is living pure (which is not the case)—it is about anyone desiring to understand what it means to have sex God’s way as singles, and how to prepare for it! I have seen God use it to transform people’s lives with a variety of pasts. That’s the beauty of the message of Embracing The Design-God’s Design— for sex—it has no prerequisites because, like anything in our faith, God takes care of the transformation—not us!
Reading List
Elaborating on one of the practical ways to Embrace The Design on your own, I highly recommend exploring Christian literature for singles on sex if you have not already. I think the number of good titles on dating, courting and single living generally have stepped up—and, in this context, sex specifically. There’s a couple, one I am still working on completing, that I’ll recommend:
-"The Best Sex of My Life: A Guide to Purity" (click title to see book)(self-published and written by the founder of Worth the Wait Revolution, Dr. Lindsay Marsh—33 years old and newly engaged! I have some slight issues with the book, but fantastic overall—on point for practical tips on Embracing The Design. See chapter 4 especially: Ten Choices to Keep You out of Trouble!)
-“No Sex in The City: One Virgin’s Confession on Love, Lust, Dating and Waiting,” by Lindsey N. Isham (also click title for book) There is also a four-minute clip of an interview with her that I think gives a good overview of the book: (The cover borrows the pink, city-themed signature of “Sex in the City.” It is written for ladies, but I think guys can benefit from hearing a single woman’s perspective on sex, too. I have some more significant differences with this book—including a few cultural gripes that make a chapter or two hard to relate to—or cause some disagreement—but, overall, most chapters really wrestle with guarding your mind, but also appreciating—and embracing—sex God’s way! She actually hits Song of Songs Chapter 4 in pretty good detail, too!)
Neither of these books, nor anything on true purity, requires that you be a virgin to appreciate it—they provide practical tips for all! Further, I think we need to get out of the habit of boiling every discussion about purity to whether you’ve had sex or not—but the fact is that is often the only way to get people comfortable about discussing purity. But purity is actually a condition of the heart, not a function of what you have—or haven’t done: God forgives, renews and restores in the area of sex—just like He does anything else, and we are all in need of it, whether we’ve had sex or not! But again, that’s for another super-long entry. In short, let’s embrace God’s blueprint for sex so we can overcome our hang ups about sex now, and have more to give our lovers in marriage later!
Sex as Selfless
Additionally, this passage highlights that, under a biblical model, sex is not for our own personal satisfaction, but to benefit our lover in marriage—and The Union itself. In turn, God is glorified. It is sacrificial, just like love outside of the bedroom should be (see I Corinthians 13, as addressed in the last entry). That night the Lover was first off all concerned with making Beloved feel secure, desired and pleasured. Only after he had given himself to her, for her, did he request that she give back to him (quoting verse eight: “Descend…from the lions’ den and the mountain haunts of the leopard.”) And she responded with the same selfless passion (going back to the question of how a single person not having sex can learn how to approach sex in marriage at the time God ordains: this passage gives advice, for free at that!). Because they both approached sex God’s way, both of their God-given desires were met—and, on top of that, they were blown away! That is also the beauty—and the open secret—of following Jesus: we sacrifice our worldly desires to gain greater, heavenly ones in return—that we receive pressed down, shaken together, and running over! I love my Jesus!
3. The Lover’s Security
Finally, as much as I have been discussing Beloved’s need for security from her lover (and rightfully so), I think in this passage the Lover’s need for security takes center stage. His need was not in being made to feel beautiful, being led or feeling physical assurance. But he did need to know that his woman loved him deeply and was committed to him, and him only. As he complemented her in verses one to fifteen, evidence of that confidence—that security—is clear. And this security even propelled him to stand in the leadership role that God had given him even that night in the bedroom—and in the relationship. Love God’s way is so powerful!
CONCLUSION
At the end of it all, from a biblical model the first night of a marriage is meant to be the start of a couple’s physical relationship. God delights in sex in this context; in fact, He cheers it on! To understand, appreciate and prepare ourselves for sex in marriage before marriage, we must throw aside the world’s warped views of the act and embrace God’s amazing plan for it. To get to that point—outside of marriage, or to restore it in marriage—we have to actively pursue an understanding of it—just like we have to for growth in any area of our faith. And as we take the steps to get it, He will guide us into understanding! And once we do grasp it, there is nothing “closet freakish” (under God’s model of sex, that concept doesn’t even exist!) or wrong, about appreciating sex God’s way as a single person—as long as we do so by embracing The Design, rather than the activity (yes, that phrase is my new slogan)!
As we will see in the final two chapters of Song of Songs, with God as the conductor, a married couple only increases their sexual “tune” and harmony with time—time together, and time with Him. But, for this entry, let’s really consider the contours of sex as God intended—fun, fascinating and free! This one will hit the top of the “corny” meter, and ruin any flow I had going, but who cares: Wherever you are, stop and “cheer” for Love His way!
