SEARCHING FOR BRA BARGAINS

I’ve been frustrated with underwear prices recently. To understand why, you’ll need a Seyi-shopping education.

I don’t believe in paying full price for clothing; in fact, I’m an extreme bargain shopper, meaning I generally purchase items that are 50% or more off the Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price. I can’t even remember the last time I paid full price for something. I was about to bite the MSRP-bullet for an evening gown in March 2005, but when I got to the register, it was 30% off. It's just smarter to pay less.

I go to your usual deal-hunter stores, such as Ross and Filene’s Basement, but I also hit more upscale places such as Bloomingdale’s or Lord & Taylor, because, as all good bargain shoppers know, when those stores clear clothing, it can be up to 80% off. Also, their evening gowns are reasonably priced. I don’t hit really-upscale stores such as Saks, because I can’t afford 50% off $2,000. I also don’t do used clothing stores—even consignment shops (which are not always bargain anyway), because, face it, someone I don't know has worn it (and more than just to try it on). To me, that's not cool. Perhaps there's some Dateline/20-20/48 Hours/Fox Investigates Special out there about how purchasing new clothes is actually like purchasing used clothes, but I'm going to trust that what's labeled "new" is actually so. Friends who do that kind of shopping always say I’m missing out on high-quality clothing, but I guess it will always be my loss.

Despite my love of “cheapy” (but nice) clothing shopping, I think I’m about to forgo it for one important item: the bra. I unfortunately have one of the most popular bra sizes—actually, my real size is rarer and also never available at retail stores—so I go for the next-best thing. It’s especially hard to find at bargain stores. I always seem to end up at their underwear racks when only the really small or really large bras are left—neither of which fit me. You basically have to get to the racks the day the shipment comes in, which I’ve only been able to do by-the-way one time. Just yesterday, I saw the most adorable pink satin bra for $5.99 (MSRP $26.99), but it was, of course, an A cup. I guess I could go bigger, but I definitely can’t squeeze into something smaller. The only exception to the scarcity of my bra size is those mega-padded wonder bras, which always seem to be in abundance in every size. However, I believe in wearing mine, so I pass on those.

I guess I could shop online for bras—but I like to carefully inspect clothing before purchasing it—even if I don’t get to try it on. You can’t always determine the quality or comfort of a clothing item by looking at it on a computer screen. Plus, my online-shopping track record is abysmal—I don’t have the patience to find the good, quality cheap stuff on sites such as E-bay (that’s the domain of a relative of mine whom I won’t name because I don’t know if he/she keeps it a secret)…

Or maybe I just need to expand my already extensive shopping-venue selection. I think this week I’ll cross over into the God-forsaken state of Virginia, because I will concede they have great outlet shopping. If I have no luck, I guess I can stick with the less-than-50-percent off sales at the local Macy’s. Those prices aren’t so bad. It’s also some solace that I get everything else cheap. I’m fresh off a deal-seeker high after purchasing a Calvin Klein suit for interview season at $69.99. MSRP? $300. With that in perspective, what’s an extra $10-$15 for a cute bra?

I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY HEART...

Sometimes people ask me if I work out a lot. I don’t. I hate working out. It’s time-consuming, especially cardio. And results take time. What is it—150 calories burned for every mile you run? That’s enough to melt off just a small cup of yogurt—forget losing the rest of your meals. To put things in perspective, if you eat a 600-calorie dinner, that’s considered healthy, right? That means you have to run, what—at least 4 miles to burn off that meal? And that’s only if you’re eating right. My biggest gripe isn’t so much running itself—I can do it—I just find it unbearably long and boring.

Then there’s the cardio “sweat” factor. I hate sweating. Yet that’s the essence of cardio. Sweat. I hate to smell my pits after a good run/bike/elliptical/cross-trainer session. After it, you immediately have to shower—at least you should. I don’t play with my showers after cardio. I end up spending more time scrubbing off and getting dressed for the day than I actually do working out. By the time I finish both working out and showering, I’ve been in the gym for more than an hour.

The woes of cardio are the reason that, when I do work out, I lift weights. The more muscle you have, the more fat you burn…so, I like to build muscle. I use a stomach machine of some kind (don’t know what their called); a bicep curl thingy, the inner and outer thigh machines and something for the hamstrings. I do four reps of ten on each machine with medium weights—those rinky-dink ones won’t get you anywhere, and the heavy weights I can’t lift. When I finish my work out, I look at my watch, and I’ve been in the gym for twenty minutes (thirty max), there’s not an ounce of sweat on my back, and I still smell fresh. And if I’m consistent for a couple weeks (big IF), I see results. However, I’ve never been consistent enough to claim that my body is the result of working out, but I’d like to at some point. Physically speaking, lifting weights provides the most efficient work out (My only exception to my weight-lifting-only rule: jump roping—you do it for 10 minutes, and you burn as many calories as running for 20-30 minutes. It’s also actually fun).

Today I was further reminded of how cardio is just not for me right now. After lifting weights for about 20 minutes, I passed the treadmills and decided to give it a go for nostalgia’s sake. I’ll run one mile, I told myself. I set the treadmill to my optimal fat-burning zone, which is about 3.2-4.0 miles per hour. That’s like, a 12-14-minute mile. Twelve to fourteen dreadful minutes. By the time I hit .30 a mile, I had already been on there for like, five minutes, and I still had .70 to go. Screw that, I said. I have thaanngs (i.e. “things”) to do. Trying to hit the mile and run OUT of there, I doubled my speed. But somehow, I still felt the workout was taking forever. So I sped up a little more. And I still felt I was getting nowhere. I just wanted to complete the stinkin’ measly mile! By the time I finished, I was all nasty and sweaty, and I suddenly had to bolt from the gym so I could take my second shower of the morning. I’ve had my cardio fill, and I won’t be doing it for a while.

I know cardio has other benefits—it makes your heart healthier, which lowers your risk for cardiovascular diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure, and clogged arteries that lead to heart attacks. Those are pluses lifting can’t give you. But at 25, I’m only slightly more than marginally concerned with these issues. I’ve had my check-ups; my blood pressure is great, my cholesterol is low, and my weight’s fine. That means I can concentrate on more relevant things—such as liking me in that dress. This may sound shallow, but please, put my whole person in perspective…Right now, I don’t care (that much) about my heart…I just wanna look good.

UNTITLED

My recent entries (minus the news articles) have been on the serious, reflective side. I can’t help it; I just write what’s on my mind, and that’s been the trend. I wanted to change the tone this time, but I can’t. What I can do is go from solemn to sappy...

I’ve been down the last few days. Yes, I’m known as a happy-go-lucky person, but of course that doesn’t mean I don’t get depressed. People disappoint me. Events rattle me. Thoughts defeat me…But in the midst of my woes, God always finds a way to pull me up before too long. This time He used a call from a friend whom I hadn’t seen in a while. It showed me how blessed I’ve been this summer. I’ve strengthened existing friendships, made new ones, tried new things...all while being reminded to give the worries to Him. It feels good to let go…

I’ve always been better at giving than receiving; it comes naturally for me to give, and I love it. I’m so used to being the giver that I have to reprogram myself to let someone else in. It’s one of my biggest challenges. But as my awareness of this flawed gift increases, I've begun to fight not to let it overtake me. It helps when I get a reminder of how I need others—like a phone call. Thanks, buddy.

PRICELESS STORY...

Check out this article about the stir surrounding John Edwards' expensive haircuts. It's hilarious...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/07/04/AR2007070401258.html?hpid=topnews

What Makes a Good Love Story?

Recently, I’ve been bombarded with stories of love and marriage. First, I’ve seen a lot of romantic movies lately. Something New (again; worth seeing more than once). The Wedding Date (so-so). Failure to Launch (funny). Two Can Play that Game (one of my long-standing favorite movies, minus a couple distasteful parts, but a must-watch for guys and girls)…I’ve also been around a ton of newlyweds, and every other day it seems a wedding invitation comes in the mail. And, a couple weeks ago on gmail chat, a good friend of mine told me she’d be getting married. Finally, I was getting a new blow dryer at my local beauty supply store when I happened to hear another customer say she and her boyfriend were getting married after dating for five years…it’s a season of love, and I can’t escape the let’s-get-hitched stories!

These happenings got me thinking about what I believe makes a good wedding (or love) story. I’m not much into the love-at-first-sight tales; as I’ve said before, I believe only in infatuation at first sight. Loving someone requires knowing that person’s flaws and being able to handle them—“unconditional commitment to an imperfect person(author unknown),” if you will. You can’t see and accept another’s flaws immediately. That’s not to say it’s impossible to meet someone and believe that you’ll marry that person (although I doubt I’d ever say that; I’m not that trusting), but, again, even if you say that, you’re still just recognizing that you have a feeling for another that could turn into love. Also, assuming you get married, predicting that you’ll marry someone is bound to be true at some point; just because that statement is fulfilled does not automatically mean you were in love at hello.

At the other extreme, I also don’t like those break-up-and-get-back-together-then-break-up-and-get-back-together-and-do-it-all-again stories. Granted, there are legitimate reasons to end a relationship with someone you really care about, only to end up with that person later, but I’m no expert on what those legit reasons are. What I’m griping about is a multiple break-up situation where the main problem is…the people. One person is really committed to the other; the other party, not-so much. Yet the wayward one strings the other along because he or she “treats me right/better than anyone I’ve ever been with” despite the fact that this unsure person doesn’t love the other…no, wait…does…or might…but wait, “just needs more time to decide.” And, of course, the other faithful one always stays true to that fickle person, because that boyfriend or girlfriend is “just so awesome.” If these couples finally decide to get married, it’s often because after a few years of relationship-exploration-relationship-exploration-relationship, the unsure person finally concludes “there’s nothing better out there for me than you, O Faithful One.” I know God can work out these situations, but I think that, if you’ve been nothing-but- faithful from the start, settling for someone who has been unfaithful repeatedly amounts to charity dating—i.e., selling yourself short. I also think that we get what we pray for, and why pray for that “happy ending” when you can be with someone who loved you and was committed from the start of the relationship? I guess I just don’t get it…"Love"?

Okay, now that I’ve gone on a somewhat-cynical tangent, what are the ingredients for my favorite love story? There’s two. First, it’s the pure friends-to-lovers thing (not the friends-to lovers-to “friends”-to “lovers” saga). In these cases, bonding begins outside the realm of romance; even if two friends were romantically interested in each other, for a time they put hormones aside to discover the other simply as…a person, not a lover—sometimes for years. Granted, friends-to-lover relationships can often be the hardest to establish because you risk losing a friend—but the foundation on which they’re built makes them sustainable. And to me, sustainability is what makes a relationship beautiful.

My other favorite ingredient? A tale where God is in it from the beginning, because the couple were praying for the relationship even before they got into it; they didn’t fall in love, then decide to consult God. I’ve seen so many examples where relationship drama is eliminated because of prayer—which doesn’t mean these unions aren’t difficult, just that the unnecessary hardships that come when humans are in control are eliminated. When God’s guiding a relationship from the start—and continues to be part of it— it can only have a happy ending.

Summer Project?

I haven’t really blogged this summer. I’ve just been so busy. I take a train into work, and after it I usually have to stay in the city for a few hours for different reasons—to attend firm events a couple nights a week (lately, more), meet-up with friends, or, on occasion, work late. By the time I get home, it’s basically bed time. But I miss blogging. I miss putting my thoughts into neat little themes and bite-size life lessons (at least that’s how I perceive them; you be the judge).

Anyway, on the flip side, my morning travel pattern adds reflective quiet time I don’t have driving to work in the morning during the school year. Rather than brave morning rush-hour traffic for 45 minutes-plus, I have more than a half hour to sit while someone else drives. I love it. I hop on at the end of the Line (or beginning; you pick), so I get first dibs on seats (I like the ones at the ends, mostly because I have room to stretch out my legs and keep my big bags), and by the time the train gets crowded and noisy, I’ve journaled—written letters to God--or just thought about life—for more than 20 minutes. Because at that point I’m in my zone, despite the multiplication of bodies at about my twenty-first minute, I get in another ten of reflection before I hop off. For some reason, it’s one of the easiest places for me to talk to God; it’s funny that I can trace Him answering my biggest prayer requests to at least some of the thoughts shared with him during morning-Metro journaling (my other favorite places—a local garden; another at school). I guess it helps that I don’t have classes to think about; I feel totally free.

But there’s been something different about my rides into work this summer. They haven’t been as enriching. I think I know why: because I’ve been asked by God to do something—something that will probably be big, and, with the many things I’ve got going on, I haven’t found the time to do it. But I should, because I feel God is putting a number of other things I’ve prayed for on hold until I step out and do it. But it’s hard. Part of me doesn’t feel I’m cut out for it; for lack of a better analogy, I feel like Moses in Exodus 3, when God called him to lead His people out of Egypt, but Moses felt someone better qualified should do it. I don't want to make what I'm supposed to do sound bigger than it may be--I'm not God, but it does have the potential to impact a lot of people. A part of me knows I can do it, because it is actually related to a gift I have, but I also feel my life experiences—and my personality—disqualify me…

What is this “thing”? I don’t know that I’m ready to talk about it (here or in person); I’ve mentioned it to a couple people, but only in passing. The point is, the more I pray about it, the more I’m aware that I just have to do it, and let God take care of the rest.

If I don’t actually want to say what I’m doing, why am I sharing? Because, again, blogging gives me the chance to isolate a thought—a theme—and write about it. It’s therapeutic. And empowering. And that’s what I need; a reason to do. I also bring it up because you can pray for me. Pray that I actually act. This is a summer project that I know I’m supposed to start, well…in summer. This summer.

Fixing D.C.'s Schools

In case you haven't, check out this great series on the City's failing public school system. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/metro/interactives/dcschools/

Just For Laughs

Okay, so I get these Breaking News Updates from ABC that announce stories just minutes after it hits the wire (if you don't get them, I recommend signing up). Anyway, here's one I received today:

Breaking News from ABCNEWS.com:

SENATE APPROVES WAR FUNDING BILL WITH NO IRAQ WITHDRAWAL TIMETABLE,
BILL NOW HEADS TO WHITE HOUSE FOR BUSH'S SIGNATURE; CLINTON AND OBAMA
VOTED NO

Would two presidential candidates trying to run on an anti-Iraq War platform really vote yes? More pertinently, would Hillary really vote "yes" on anything related to the war after all the heat she got for her initial vote? I mean, ABC, is that really newsworthy? Just for laughs...

Doing the Right Thing

Sometimes, God allows—or gives us—situations that test our courage. To quote one of my favorite songs by Natalie Grant, we have to choose whether to love when we’d rather turn away; to give when we’re more inclined to take. How do you respond to those situations? I’m tempted to give in. Get upset. Feel incapable. But only for a second, because I remember who I belong to—One who knows my every thought, word and deed—before I do (Psalm 139); He crowns me with love and compassion (Psalm 103). There’s a reason He made me; I didn’t make Him.

An analogy will assist. At a conference last year a preacher talked about how the maker of a product decides its use. He said, somewhat matter-of-factly, that a refrigerator can’t cry about how it can’t toast a bagel, because it wasn’t made to do that. Likewise, God has a purpose for us—His “inventions”—that plays out in the little, everyday situations He allows—or creates. Some of these I get; others, it takes a while. But I don’t have to get everything, because I have always found, in retrospect, that not understanding everything that happens in my life does not materially affect it. Dwelling on the meaning of the things I’m unsure of, however, only confuses me, and makes me waste time wondering that would be better spent living.

And so I choose to live—to love others the best I can, to give of all the many things God has given me—to be Sunshine to the world (and yes, I know, I’m incredibly hold-hands-rock-back-and-forth-and-sing Kumbaya:)). But it works for me. Nobody can steal my joy. I’m much more interested in doing the right thing--God's thing.

Trust Is...

What does it mean to truly trust God? That’s a question I’ll be trying to answer for the rest of my life. Sure, I could give you a denotation, but what does trust actually look like? Also, how is the concept applicable to specific situations? Does it even differ based on situation? I’ve recently been comparing the areas where I am trusting God with the areas I’m not, and here’s an incomplete list of practical “trust traits” I’ve come up with to challenge my doubts:

• Trust is not praying for something, and then immediately going back to worrying about the thing you just prayed for, and then pausing to pray for it again, only to repeat the cycle.

• Trust is praying for something, and knowing He’ll answer. This sometimes means that you stop praying for something He hasn’t answered (or perhaps has), if the way you are praying causes you to doubt more; just ask God to work it out.

• Trust is not asking God to show you something, and then asking for a friend’s advice to balance things out.

• Trust is going to God for something and asking friends for advice that is matched up against God’s Word, or asking that they’ll pray for you to accept what He says, which leads into the next trust trait….

• Trust is accepting the answer God gives you, even if it’s not the one you want.

• Trust is being okay with waiting for an answer.

• Trust is understanding that if I’m in the will of God—meaning sins aren’t overtaking my life (in what I like to call a “Psalm 66:18” way)—I have absolutely nothing to fear.

• Trust is grasping the POWER of prayer, asking not in a James 4:1-3 way, but in a John 14:13; Mark 11:22-24; I John 5:14-15 way.

• Trust is knowing that although I’m a mess, and my fears get in the way, the more I do this trust thing, the more God works on me, and the better I get at it.

WHY I'M GRATEFUL

You might have noticed I haven’t blogged in a while. It’s mostly because I’ve been busy with the end of the semester. It’s also because what’s on my mind lately doesn’t fit neatly in online-diary format, and I don’t really want it to. But as I sat in front of my laptop struggling to focus on a paper I’ve been working on for far too long, I knew I needed to do something therapeutic to clear my head of all thoughts distracting. That’s when I decided to write this entry. It’s kind of a reflection on the many blessings in my life. I Thessalonians 5: 16-18 says, “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” Reflecting puts things in perspective; it humbles you, and makes you feel grateful despite the gripes you may have about life. I’m especially touched when people who have lost seemingly everything—their families, jobs, homes—can still say, “I’m grateful I’m alive.”

Would I say that?

I guess that isn’t a question I have to answer, at least not at the moment, because far more good is going on than bad. I guess I can even be grateful for the chance to write a 25-page paper for a class I really haven’t enjoyed, because it’s a just another task—another class—that’s going to help me get a degree that I know God will use in big ways. The following is an (incomplete) list of things I’m grateful for, expressed by a True Sap (with only five minutes of break time left)…

1. God’s goodness
• In a passage: Psalm 103.

2. Laughter
• It’s good medicine.

3. Sunshine
• It brightens my day. No joke.

4. Special People
• You know, friends, family, mentors and more…

5. Dreams
• They give goals life.

6. Good Food
• It stops me from complaining.

7. Passion
• It makes me put everything I have into…everything.

8. Education
• It's given me a chance.

9. Transportation
• Even though mine’s not the custom-made Volvo C70 I'll eventually own…

10. Things Unspoken
• In time, they’ll have a voice….

And now, the only way to end this entry...Call it tacky, but I can't resist: What are YOU thankful for?

What I Eat

I’m a Food Diva. That’s my way of saying I have supposedly “high” standards when it comes to food. Where most people dig into a dish and call it “delicious,” I will famously wrinkle my nose and declare, in a somewhat whiny, drawn-out voice, “it’s o-kayyy.” That doesn’t mean I think it’s horrible, but it does mean that, to borrow from my mom, the Food Diva Queen Bee (I’m just the Princess:)), it doesn’t have much of a taste (she would actually declare it has “no taste”). I guess part of my reaction comes from the fact that I’m a horrible liar—I can’t mask when I don’t like something to save my life—yet I also don’t really like to pronounce things—or people—as “bad” unless it’s especially horrible. I find that unnecessarily hurtful.

Although I’ll admit “diva” connotes snobbery, this blog is dedicated to putting a likable, understandable face on my choosy eating habits. After reading this, you’ll be closer to understanding—and speaking—my food language...

1. KNOW THE STAPLES.
There are really six ingredients from which most of my meals flow: pasta, boneless skinless chicken (baked or grilled, at times sautéed, but rarely fried), potatoes, cheese, bread and tortillas. That means that, on most days, I’m eating Italian or Mexican. When these are the choices, I usually find something I like without having to complain first. Exception: Taco Bell.

2. KNOW THE FLAVORS.
I’m cream sauce’s number-one fan (e.g. in pasta or soup), but, unfortunately, I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that most restaurants that make it don’t know about the secret found in number 8. I’ve recently switched to red sauces—or a combination of cream and red—because they’re just harder to mess up. Other flavors of fun are onions (red and white), garlic, celery and avocado. I also can’t live without a little cayenne pepper and pesto. Also throw in habanerro, but only a little.

3. FRESHNESS IS THE MANTRA.
I’m not into dieting; I’m more into lifestyle. Food in America is filled with so many preservatives, and I think avoiding them lets you get more out of your calories. (I’m not the organic/Whole Foods type, because there’s too much evidence “organic” is synonymous with “overpriced” and “minimal added nutritional value”). Also, in my opinion, fresh ingredients just taste better. The best cooks can throw it down with minimal grease (my mom is in that number). There are a number of stores and restaurants that actually make their own sauces, breads and pastas. If you look, you’ll find them.

4. SPARE THE RED MEAT.
It doesn’t taste bad—I’ll eat it on occasion—but, generally, I avoid it because just two or three bites of steak and the like makes me full for like, days. The only exception: ground beef—on a backyard grill or in a pasta dish.

5. PINK IS OUT.
a. All meat must be well done which, of course, speaks mostly to red meat. No exceptions. In my mind, blood just doesn’t belong in anything I digest. E. coli, anyone?

6. RECOGNIZE MY FAST-FOOD VICES.
Although I gave up eating fast food regularly in my early college years, there are a couple things you can tempt me to eat: a McDonald’s cheeseburger or a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy’s (hold the mayo--aka “figure suicide.” They also say that about cream sauce, but I don’t believe it; add honey mustard and ketchup--few calories; great flavor). Note this point is assuming Chipotle doesn’t quite count as fast food. If it does, I’m not as principled as I may sound.

7. EXPAND THE NOTION OF “DINNER.”
I’m a true ice cream fan, which means I eat it religiously, even in winter when people are wimping out (you drink cold juice and water out of a fridge year-round, don’t you?) When I just get sick of food, dinner’s at Cold Stone.

8. LET ME COOK.
I’m willing to experiment in the kitchen, and get the dish just right. The secret to “taste”: chicken bouillon. In anything. Most people don’t use it—to their cooking detriment.

That’s all I have time for…The truth is, I’m simply a woman of standards; I’m not so much picky as I am…wisely choosy. I firmly believe in quality, and I know it when I taste it. Raise a glass (of water or 100% juice): to understanding what I eat.

On Worship

Recently I had been having trouble truly worshipping God. To reference an earlier blog, I had been going through “Godless periods of Godmotions.” I could spend time trying to define the many facets of worship, but I don’t feel compelled to do that. Instead, I’ll share how God brought me out of my latest slump by reminding me of this definition of worship: recognizing who He is, and thanking Him for it.

One way I’ve recently worshipped is by thinking about what He’s done for me. For a while, I had forgotten the many ways God has protected me over the years. However, I had a conversation with an old friend that reminded me of how God has kept me from making decisions that would have had disastrous consequences. We have many ways of referring to moments that steer us away from making a bad decision, or give us new insight. Oprah, and many others, call them “Aha” Moments, but I call them “Brick Moments”: God gives me an unmistakable sign that shows me what I’m missing. It’s kind of like being hit upside the head with something you can’t ignore—like a brick—hence, the name. These Brick Moments are one way that God has shown himself to me, and a reason I praise him.

There are two songs that I think exemplify what worship is. When I feel as though I’m not truly worshipping, I often take a cue from them. The first is “Meditate” http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/out-of-eden/meditate.html by Out of Eden. I just do what the song says. Also, “Hear My Worship” http://www.uplyrics.com/jaime_jamgochian_lyrics_9342/hear_my_worship_lyrics_326836.html by Jaime Jamgochian exemplifies how I feel when I’m raw before God.

Finally, the Psalms are a wonderful reminder of how to praise God. David especially exemplifies the meaning of true worship: Even when he’s being chased by his enemies in the desert and feels deserted by God, he always ends his psalms by thanking God for who He is, and recognizing He will deliver him regardless of how the situation looks. One of my favorites is Psalm 103:http://www.ibs.org/niv/searchprovider.php?passage_request=psalm%20103 In this psalm, which I don' t think was written by David, the author is totally blessing God for who He is. The Psalms are really a God-given textbook on how to worship wholeheartedly.

Meditate on the lyrics and the psalm. They’re just full of worship.

Fewer Married With Children

Check out this article on marriagae through the lenses of race and class/educational background. Although it simply reinforces trends that have been reported for a while, it's still eye-opening...

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/03/AR2007030300841.html

To Ring, or Not to Ring?

Okay, I don’t know if you’ve noticed this about my blog—and about me—but sometimes I like to get personal without getting personal. I’m open about how I feel about issues, but I avoid saying what led to those feelings through using phrases such as “certain situations” or “recent events.” Frankly, most of the time there isn’t a particularly juicy personal story behind the comments I make. But even if there were, I don’t want my life to be the focus of my blog—or anything I write—I want it to be on providing thought-provoking, and, I hope, entertaining comments on life lessons. I’m just not the self-promotional type.

At this point you’re probably wondering where all this fanfare is going. You’ve also likely figured out I’m about to get more personal than usual. Yes, I’ll be discussing an issue I can’t address without being more open: my decision not to have sex until marriage, commonly known as a commitment to abstinence.

People who have known me for years are well aware of my feelings on “this issue”; I’m a huge proponent of it. One of my goals is to publish a book about it for teenage girls, which I’ve started, and maybe sequels for the general public and young adults. But despite my enthusiasm for it, sometimes I’m hesitant to share my thoughts outside my comfort circles. However, I recently joined an online group for people committed to the cause that got me thinking about why I can be so hesitant to discuss something I’m supposedly so passionate about.

My biggest fear is not so much what people may call me—I haven’t had a problem being referred to as a “sexually repressed prude”—I’m more concerned with how it will affect people’s perceptions of how I view them. A study recently released showed more than 90% of (adult) Americans have had sex before marriage ( See http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=2738640 ). Although the accuracy of this statistic can be debated, it is fair to say that more people than not are having sex—including people who don’t believe in having it. Thus, I avoid using terms such as “Purity Commitment” because I fear—and have actually had people say—that such comments implicitly mean that anyone who has had sex outside of marriage is “dirty”—which is a total mischaracterization of my opinion that I am more than happy to avoid.

I’m also afraid people will think they can’t relate to me, and ignore what I have to say about sex—and “other related issues” (okay, let me stop). As you might know, when people find out you’re a virgin in your mid-twenties, adverse reactions abound. The comment is usually met with skepticism, the next question being “well, if you haven’t had sex, what have you done?” and then my answer to that question starts another firestorm.

But truthfully, I shouldn’t be afraid to share my commitment--which I also call a testimony--in uncomfortable situations. It doesn’t mean I need to declare I’m a virgin just because, but it should mean that when I’m given the opportunity to share my experience I shouldn’t shy away.

One reason I’m so passionate about discussing abstinence is my criticism of the Christian community’s approach to addressing premarital sex, which often hinders children from making biblical commitments to abstain. They are often taught, indirectly, that singleness is a miserable state that needs to be quickly transcended so that marital bliss—and, apparently, hot-steamy sex—can begin. As a result, so many never really experience the true joy of abstaining; they see abstinence in terms of a list of what physical acts can—or cannot—be done to still stay in the “pure” category. Questions such as “Is oral sex okay?” or “how much clothing can I take off?” dominate discussions about abstinence. Even the term “abstinence” (which I hate, but use for lack of a more universal term, as I’ve said before), focuses on the act of not having sex—not on what refraining from having sex should mean.

The real way to look at a biblical commitment not to have sex isn’t “what am I missing?” but, rather, “what am I gaining?” This means that for every physical act I choose not to do outside of marriage--sex being seen only as the outer limit--I am gaining something higher—at least in a spiritual sense. As has been said many times, God designed sex to be an expression of unconditional love to a person He has provided for you in marriage, which is also the ultimate human commitment to another person on earth, and a symbol of the love God has for His children (Ephesians 6:25). I also see “abstinence” as a critical way to show a commitment to God rather than the world (Galatians 5:19-25). By not having sex, I don’t feel I’m depriving myself of pleasure (an evanescent kind, at best); I see it as being willing to settle for nothing less than true love both in and out of a bedroom—or no sex.

The online group I joined recently reminded me of an inner debate I’ve been having about whether to celebrate my commitment with a purity ring. In the past I was skeptical of getting one because too often I’ve seen them displayed as empty symbols that are hastily purchased and soon discarded by people who don’t understand the gravity of the commitment. But after learning so many lessons about what the choice actually means, and soldering through the hormonal teenage years and the “Hook-Up Central” that is college by God’s grace, I know that with Him I can overcome any sexual temptation—even “love.” A ring, then, would be a symbol of my testimony.

This blog is my first step to being more open about my commitment—where God calls me to be…so, should I get a chastity ring? I think you’re about to see one on this woman’s finger.

The Unveiling of the 25-Year Plan: My (Proposed) Path to Owning It at 50

Some of you have heard me talk about it, perhaps what you thought was in jest. But no, I’m serious: My 25th Birthday is really the start of something Big—my 25-year Plan.

Sunday will mark my Quarter-Century year on earth—kind of. Not to be technical, but, as I learned in dreadful Property class last year, your birthday is actually the first day of your next year—in my case, my 26th year. But I’m sure even if you knew that you don’t really care, and, quite frankly, it pretty much messes with conventional modes of expressing birthday cheer (“happy first day of your 26th year” sounds terrible). ANYWAY, another reason this year is significant is that it’s halfway to 50, a year many people—especially women—dread.

We all kind of know why people don’t like it: it begins the “Golden Years,” a euphemistic category for Senior Citizenhood—okay, fine—Old People Status. It says “aging” in a way “the new 20”, age 40, didn’t. It’s more closely associated with weight gain, significantly grayer hair, impending retirement, poor bowel movements, and, also unlike the 40s, universal menopause, to name a few measures of doom. And somehow, those 10% Tuesday discounts at department stores and restaurants are but a small consolation for those who wear the Old Person Badge.

But does 50 really have to be viewed with such morbidity? I, my friends, say no. And, as one of America’s Sweathearts said on her supposed day of doom, on my 50th Birthday (or the start of my 51st year, whichever you prefer), I want to be able to throw my hands up, look to my left, look to my right, flip my vibrant, flowing hair, pause for a moment, then scream at the top of my lungs, “I’M FIFTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!” (I’m referencing Oprah, by the way).

Okay, so maybe I’m getting a little carried away, but the point is, we don’t celebrate aging—age—enough. We think impending death, when we should be thinking delight. If you make it to 50, you will have survived many things—childhood milestones, adolescent adventures, the roaming 20s, the more stable thirties, the fabulous 40s and now—another decade to look forward to, all with a kind of wisdom that can only be gained with many years of life experience. Proverbs 16:2 says, “Gray hair is a crown of splendor, it is attained by a righteous life.” Proverbs 20:29 also says, “The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old.” There is certainly a correlation between years and understanding that we in our 20s just haven't seen yet.

I guess this stump for old age is more appealing to an older audience, but I sing the praises of those fifty and over to make this point: when we reach that milestone, we have more control over who we are than we would like to admit. A major reason people feel so depressed at 50 is because they’ve done so many things since 25 that they could have done without: cemented poor eating habits from childhood, didn’t plan for the future until it came, abandoned close friendships for frivolous reasons (like the guy or girl who split after a year of “forever”)—just generally chose not to improve the things they couldn’t stand about themselves, and made age the scapegoat. But I do not want to be in that number. Here are a few elements of my avoidance strategy, known as the 25-year plan:

• Eat Healthier
I’m not the biggest junk-food eater, but I can do better. This will be
a gradual one, with more refined goals each year
• Establish a workable exercise routine
• Communicate (e.g. email, phone, facebook) with good friends in far places once a month
• Plan a yearly get-together with the girls from far and wide
• Stay on budget
• Jumpstart my writing/journalism career
• Learn how to do my hair
• Be open to God changing my plans:)

These are, again, just a few of the things I plan to do on my path to celebrating 50, but I think it’s a good start. The key, of course, is continuity; the plan must be a lifestyle.

Granted, it’s impossible to avoid some aspects of aging—increased risk for disease, more difficulty doing everyday things and—most sadly—the death of loved ones we would have lived with for so long. But, much as we often hear even now, the trials we experience do not have to define adversely who we are—at any age.

…so God willing, if I’m alive in 25 years, I won’t be afraid to scream “I’M FIFTYYYYY!!!!” at the top of my lungs. But in the interim—the lonnnggg interim—ask how my 25-year plan is going…

You Can’t Do God Without God

What does it mean to “do God?” It’s what you might think: being regularly involved in a number of God-centered activities. If you “do” God, each week you probably go to church, Bible Study, Prayer group, or Christian Club “X” at work or school. Oh, and you probably fast, at least once in a while. Chances are you don’t do these things merely for ritual or show—if you're spending that time, you likely want genuinely to grow in your relationship with God—and may even desire to see others do the same. But, as those who follow this pattern know, you can go through the Godmotions but not be focused on Him at all.

There are times when I feel my relationship with God is really progressing. During these periods, I’m having meaningful Godmotions: I’m worshipping Him in some way during most hours of the day. I listen to a Christian song on the radio, and I start singing aloud, praising from my heart. I do my quiet time—or listen to a sermon—and feel so energized. I walk—anywhere—through the halls at school, down the street, and I think about God’s goodness; I completely feel His presence. Those are wonderful times.

But then I have God-less periods of Godmotions. I’m listening to the same Christian songs on the radio, or I’m praying, etc.,—pick your motion—but my mind starts wandering, and I think about everything but God. How much work I have to do. Who I saw today. Who I didn’t see. What I watched. What I read. What I need to do. When I feel this way, I don’t wonder whether God exists—He’s shown me too much of Himself for me to doubt that He is—but I do wonder why I’m not focusing on the One I say I love so much.

The answer can be a myriad of things, but the usual culprits are worry, fear, or just plain busyness. I’ve prayed about something, and I feel frustrated because He’s not answering the way I want Him to. Or, I keep pushing back my quiet time for whatever reason, because, say, I ran into friend y and ended up not reading for class, and I know I have to because last class the teacher was eyeing me as if to say, “you’re next.” But other times, I seemingly can’t explain my lack of desire.

What do you do when you seem to lose that longing? It’s tempting to stop trying to get out of that place, especially when you feel like you’re trying and nothing is changing. But if you truly believe what God’s promised in His Word—never to leave you, to reveal Himself when you seek him—that everything He says He does—all you can do is continue seeking. As that famous quote goes—“If God seems far away, guess who moved?”

It also helps to know that it’s impossible to hide a single thing from God, so you might as well stop humoring yourself and let it out. As Psalm 139:7-12 says:

Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast. If I say ‘surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me.’ Even the darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

It also helps just to ask God to show you—a “heart cleansing” of sorts. I like this prayer from Psalm 139: 23-24:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”

Finally, getting out of the “pit” may require understanding that you just need to keep growing to get past those days. If you really felt a fire for God at every moment, it would probably mean that you had Enoch or Methuselah Status (look them up if you need to:)).

Godmotions are great--if they’re done with God.

Take Him at His Word

“If you have questions about what God is doing in your life, continue to trust Him and seek clarity through prayer and His Word.”
~Excerpt from Our Daily Bread, http://www.rbc.org/odb/odb.shtml

Lately, there are situations in my life that I’ve been struggling to give God completely. I’ve certainly committed them to Him from the beginning, and felt Him leading in certain directions—and still leading those ways. But then something happens to shake my confidence in what He’s told me. It makes me wonder whether I’ve misinterpreted Him, or whether He’s steering me another way. But every time I start to doubt, God gives me the assurance that I should stand firm--whether he uses an incident or His Word. Most recently, it was this quote from yesterday’s Our Daily Bread, a collection of daily short devotionals accompanied by scripture passages. Through these situations, He’s showing me how essential it is to constantly give Him everything I am—my plans, my actions—everything. That’s when worry stops, and character grows.

Where would I be without Him? I really don’t want to know.

If you don’t think God cares, try giving Him your deepest desires. Not just for a day or two, but for months—then years. When you give something to Him for an extended period of time—meaning, you constantly pray for His will in a situation, trusting that only He can give you the best outcome--you see Him work, and you gain the confidence to give more things to Him. It doesn’t mean you don’t ever doubt, but it does mean that doubt dwindles.

Dare to take Him at His Word. Everything He says, He does. I don’t know anyone else who can be that good to me.

Ode to the Crush

The Crush. If you’re human, you’ve had at least one. Thoughts of a “crush” take me back to elementary school, about the time I first realized that I could like boys despite the generally held belief that those of the opposite sex had the contagious, debilitating disease called cooties. But the truth is, even long after those years, the crush doesn’t change much.

Although some believe a crush can exist even after formal romantic interaction is initiated (meaning, a date—or date equivalent, depending on your philosophy), I define it as the period before this occurrence. There are four main “crush” situations that emerge after you first realize you are romantically interested in someone. You find yourself liking another while 1) either aware or 2) unaware whether the other person is interested; or 3) aware that the other person has declared a lack of interest, yet you persist in your interest and admire either from afar—or up close (e.g. stalking); or 4) the other person has declared a lack of interest, but you fail to realize it and continue to like the other person in quiet.

The crush is a very vulnerable state. Perhaps that’s why as you pass grade school years, you most likely learn how to get past it—you quickly find out if the person is in a relationship (if you’re wise, you know that means at least for now, the person is off limits), or you take the bold route and ask the person out, or both. The point is, you just dive in somehow to get past the wondering. But despite the fact that with time most people become more adept at overcoming the period of emotional uncertainty that defines the crush, there are those times when, well, for a number of reasons, you just kinda hang out in the crush state.

I’ve both seen and experienced the extended crush. Sometimes, you just get into a situation that somehow makes it comfortable, at least for a while, not to do anything about it. Sometimes it’s for a legitimate reason—you like someone you know you shouldn’t, you don’t feel God leading you in that direction, you don’t want to mess up a friendship—but sometimes, it’s either not legitimate for you to stay there—or, a combination of the two. The more you like someone without doing anything about it, the harder it can get to do something about it. Then, the crush becomes a crutch, and a saga ensues.

There’s no real conclusion to this conversation; just like how the end of an extended crush is indefinite. But at some point, it has to end.

Thoughts on Fall 2006

It’s been a while, but I’m back to reflect on my semester. It was hectic, challenging, and full of more life lessons—some I’m still learning at the moment.

Before the semester started, I had all these expectations about how it would go—academically, professionally and personally. Academically and professionally, things did not turn out the way I expected. There were more bumps, turns and twists than anticipated. But I also realized that the unexpected came from me going to God with a plan and expecting him to pre-approve it, rather than going to Him open, knowing that He would direct me where I needed to be. I’m happy to say that midway through the semester I corrected my error, and ended up where I wanted to be—but with a better understanding of God’s grace, mercy, and a kind of spiritual and personal growth that only He can give.

Sometimes I feel I’m spinning wheels—like God is having to teach me the same lesson over and over again. But on the other hand, I think that with each lesson I learn about trusting Him, I conquer a different manifestation of doubt. And from that perspective, the number of situations in which I have difficulty trusting God have dwindled. I think that for the personal, I’ve accepted that--with some exceptions. With 2007 just days away, I know that the more I fix my eyes where they need to be, the more wonderful a year I’ll have. That’s a blessed assurance.