All This Time

Recently I've been killing this CD by Christian pop artist Britt Nicole called Gold. As I've said here, I've loved pop for years - even through my transition to listening primarily to Christian music (although modern worship has replaced it as my favorite genre!). Gold is truly Pop Praise Prowess.

Just some of the great songs are "Ready or Not," featuring Christian hip-hop artist Lecrae, about followers of Christ showing the world where our light comes from. There's also "Who You Say You Are," an acknowledgement that Jesus is the God that He claimed to be, alluding to His exchange with Peter in Matthew 16. Then there's "Stand," about resting on God's promises, that takes inspiration from the classic hymn "On Christ the Solid Rock.”

But the song that prompted this entry is the hit single "All This Time." It captures so well the friend and Savior that we have in Jesus - and conveys my feelings about my relationship with the greatest Father and Friend.

"All This Time" has a touching backstory. It's Britt Nicole’s testimony of coming to know Christ at age seven after learning that her parents were getting a divorce and how God has walked with her since. Reflecting on the experience, she sings, "...I was only a girl but I grew up that day. Tears were falling, I know You saw me." The chorus continues, "All this time, from the first tear cried 'til today's sunrise and every single moment between, You were there, You were always there, it was You and I, you've been walking with me all this time." Part of another verse says, "You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me, this is my story."

The references to the tears and the God who sees relate to the story of Hagar in the Old Testament. As commonly known, Hagar was the maidservant of Sarah (then Sarai), wife of the patriarch Abraham (then Abram). Although God had promised Abraham and Sarah a child and many descendants (Genesis 15), many years passed before the promise was fulfilled. In the long interim, Sarah decided to help God fulfill His promise by having her maidservant give birth to a child for her (Gen. 16: 1-3).

In historical context, women with some means who could not have children, or women who did not have sons, often called on their slaves to bear children for them. This required the husband to take on the slave as a "wife." By this "union," the child borne by the slave would then be considered, in some respect, the child of the first wife. Chronological Study Bible, pp. 28-29 (which is at least akin to a slave wife fulfilling a contractual duty, not engaging in a covenant marriage with the husband of her mistress as we would describe a genuine marriage today).

The Bible records two occasions in particular where Hagar and Sarah became divided over the arrangement. The first was after Hagar became pregnant. Genesis 16:4 says, "and when [Sarai] saw that [Hagar] had conceived, her mistress became despised in her eyes"(NKJV). Hagar decided to flee (v. 6). While she was in the wilderness, the Angel of the Lord, generally believed to be God himself, visited her in the desert. The Angel of the Lord told her to return to her mistress’ home, and ensured a future for her son and his descendants. In response, Hagar said,“You are the God who sees me...I have now seen the One who sees me” (v. 13). The God Who Sees Me often is repeated today in Hebrew as a name for God, El Roi (EL raw-EE). Praying the Names of God: A Daily Guide by Ann Spangler (2004).

The second time Hagar was forced out occurred after both her son, Ishmael, and Isaac, the son that God had promised to Abraham and Sarah, were born, as told in Genesis 21. After Sarah told her to go, Hagar took Ishmael and left, ending up in the desert. Again she felt alone - and sure that her son would die. She distanced herself from him and began to cry, as did her son (v.17). And, again, God heard their cries, and responded (vv. 17-21).

Hagar's story – and Britt's in "All This Time"- thousands of years apart, are such powerful examples of God's love for every single one of us. That the God of the Universe would hear the cries of ordinary people whom the world largely sees as small - children and a servant– and across ages – is such a testament to His steady, unchanging character! And there are so many more examples in God's Word of His care for each life. In Matthew 10:30, Jesus says that the very hairs on our head are numbered. In Psalm 139, one of my favorite passages, it says that we are not even hidden from God at the time of our conception; even then, He sees our unformed bodies.

As I listened to "All This Time," I also have shed my own tears just thinking about what a comforter, companion and King that God has been to me for so many years. When I recall the many times I've cried out to God in low and high moments - and how I've seen Him work wonders as a result, I can't help but feel His nearness in such a deep way. I am so blessed to have people close to me, especially my family, who have been with me through a myriad of experiences. Yet no one is quite like Jesus.

He's The One who always gets me - never misunderstands, knows just what I'm thinking -better than me, and before I think it. He's The One who is never too busy, too spent, too human - to connect with me. He's The One who always guides me in the right direction and loves me, no matter what. I love how my cries reach His ears, and He answers them at times and in ways that I don't even expect; He always makes something beautiful out of my intimate moments with Him. I love that He always encourages me to know Him more, so that I can live in the abundance He has for me. I love that His plans for me are always excellent, giving me hope and a future. I love that He's given me an entire book of promises that I can rely on. Gosh, His love is just so overwhelming -beyond anything I can ask or imagine! And I really love Him back for it - because He first loved me!

Proverbs 18:24 says, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (NIV). The second part of the verse, that there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother, is the part that makes me think of Jesus. I have really great brothers - the best brothers ever, I'd say, but even they are not quite like Friend Jesus. And no other companion ever can be.

There's another line in Britt's song that really stands out to me. It goes, "I hear these people asking me, how do I know what I believe? Well I'm not the same me, and it's all the proof I need. I've found love, I've found your grace, you stole my heart that day."

There was a time when I had a hard time saying that I love God. It wasn't because I didn't have a positive emotional reaction to Him, but because, at the time, I was not sure how devoted in my heart that I was to God. When I was about to start college, things did not go the way I wanted them to, and I remember getting upset with God. I journaled thoughts to Him that I read about a year later that made me cry. Although I don't remember the exact words I wrote down (I probably blocked them out), I do remember expressing anger at God for not having my way over something that, in retrospect, seemed so small.

A verse that often comes to mind when I think about loving God, and did after that incident, is John 14:15: “If you love me, you will obey what I command.” God does not define love as a feeling, but as true, heartfelt obedience. The God of the Universe created us in His image, and gave us a heart like His. He wants nothing less than all of it. My attitude then just reminded me that I wasn't giving Him all of it. For years after that I hesitated when saying I love Him, because I wondered if my heart was truly devoted to Him.

But now, I thank God so much for those moments that I cried out to Him, even in the wrong way, because today He's turned them into sunrise. I praise Him because today He has so much more of my heart, and I can truly say how much I do love Him. He's given me so many moments through which I've come to a deeper understanding of how dependent I am on Him for my every breath. I’ve especially seen it in how much more I turn to Him, not people or myself, for resolutions to conflict. In many ways, I've redirected my expectations for people to God, and given my grievances with others to Him for fixing, knowing that He's the only one who can make the changes - in them, and in me. It is so liberating to put hope in God rather than others!

Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend, thank you so much for walking with me all this time - from my first tear until today's sunrise. In so many moments, it’s been just me and You. I feel Your closeness more and more. Thank you for guiding me - showing me what to do. Thank you so very much for seeing me. And thank you for never leaving - not now - or even into eternity. My heart is yours.

Check out "All This Time" and Gold, by Britt Nicole.