The Case For Christian Music (Of All Kinds)

I’ve always been a pop and love-song fanatic. In junior high and high school I mostly just listened to the radio—the “Top 40” stations (back then Z-104 and 102.7—I know my D.C.–area natives know:)). I also loved the still-existent Soft Rock-97.1/WASH FM. Freshman and sophomore year of high school I’d have sleepovers where friends and I would call in to the now-defunct “After Hours with Glenn Hollis,” a 7pm-to-midnight showcase of “love songs and dedications.” We knew that to have our requests aired, they usually had to be somewhat elaborate. I’d choose tributes to my “new fiancée,” who had always recently proposed in a park, and I was always “still crying over how beautiful it was.” Something about the fake dedications made with my high pitched, tween-age voice resonated with Glenn; I had the record among friends for most calls played on air, along with the most poems read to me. I usually requested ballads by Mariah, Celine, or Whitney, which we’d dubbed the “True Love-Song Trio.” Despite the fact that I still treasure these songs, since college I have listened mostly to Christian music. And the change has had an incredible impact on my relationship with God.

Like many, I used to think that “Christian” Music only encompassed a few types: in my case, the only I’d heard— gospel, rock worship songs and selections from the Hymnal. Although I now actually listen to all these genres, growing up they didn’t really gel with this pop princess. I needed something that sounded like Christina, Mya, the BackStreet Boys or Lauren Hill. Enter Out of Eden, the first Christian group I fell in love with.

I first heard this eclectic trio of sisters (who have been compared to TLC and SWV, among others) as a high-school freshman at D.C. ’97, a conference for teens held every three years in both D.C. and Los Angles. It was the first of four summers I spent on missions trips where only Christian music was allowed (a rule I broke often). I liked the group because their souly pop sounds were unlike the so-called “head banger” Christian music my teammates chose to listen to on our ten-hour plus drives in 15-passenger Ford vans. I guess I did come to like other Christian artists during high school, but none I actually purchased.

But then when I started college, as I’ve shared before, I went through a period where my relationship with God, which I’d technically had since late pre-school/early kindergarten, had hit a wall. It’s the quintessential end-of-the -coming-of-age story, when you finally reach adulthood and have to choose whether you’re still going to live the way you’ve grown up despite the fact that parents aren’t in sight (at least they weren’t during the day; I was a commuter:)). I’m happy to say I chose God’s way.

But breaking the ceiling on my relationship with God required some habit changes. I remember rummaging through my glove compartment one day freshman year in search of what little Christian music I owned. I pulled out a couple Out of Eden tapes given to me by my youth pastor, who got all the Christian music he wanted for free because of his title. I started listening to them on my way to class each morning. I also threw in another tape he’d given me, an album by the four-female group Point of Grace, whose harmonious sounds could probably be compared to Wilson Phillips sometimes and the Dixie Chicks at other (or perhaps not—I can’t really box them in…). Anyway, once I started listening, I saw a profound change in my focus. Although these artists were still playing the same genres of music I always loved, their words had so much more…"Kingdom" value. Out of Eden had a way of incorporating their love for Hip Hop with words that honored God. One song from their second album, “More Than You Know,” called “Giving My All,” became my theme song. I loved how they added a pop twinge with the synthesizer as they expressed their desire to “give God ‘soul’ control.” As I went through my day, both the great beats—and the great words—filled my mind. Before long, I had purchased all of Out of Eden’s CDs recorded at the time.

I didn’t stop with Out of Eden. In search of a Christian Christina Aguilera, I was referred to Rachel Lampa, an artist I’d heard over the years but hadn’t paid much attention to. I’ve since bought all her CDs to date. Her beautiful ballad expressing her love for God, “No Other One,” from her CD titled “Rachel Lampa,” would become my cell phone ring tone (although sadly I no longer hear the moving words each time my phone rings, since my fairly new Blackberry is always on vibrate :(). By that point, my style had moved beyond just pop and r&b. I needed more types of music—gospel artists such as Smokie Norful, who sing melodies steeped in scripture; and even groups like Mercy Me, an alternative/rock band with some of the most spiritually moving lyrics I’ve ever heard. And I still like artists such as Surel, who’d attract Erykah Badu fans after just a few notes.

Why go on about my journey to Christian-music enthusiast? In a verse: Colossians 3:2-“Set your mind on things that are above, not on earthly things.” Whether we like to admit it, music is a form of meditation. Even if we “just like the beat” and “not the words,” whenever we listen to music, we take in the words, too- be it consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously. With Christian music now spanning every genre imaginable—from mellow jazz to thumping reggae—there’s plenty to choose from. Why not listen to music that not only has beats we like, but also words that get us meditating on scripture—with a value not just for this life, but the one to come (1 Timothy 4:8)?

This is not to say that all “secular” (aka non-Christian) music is evil. I personally still listen to music that isn’t Christian, I just don’t do so for extended periods of time because it doesn’t have the same life-changing value that Christian music has in getting me to focus on God more. I also know Christians’ views on Christian music run the gamut—with some saying the contemporary Christian music I can’t live without is “irreverent” and “pandering to a materialistic society trying to secularize God and dilute scripture,” and, on the other end of the spectrum, those who say that the hymns put together over centuries are “no longer relevant to our society.” I personally fall somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I do listen to “It Is Well With My Soul” and the like because the words are, as I’ve said, so rich and taken almost verbatim from scripture, but sometimes I want to get my praise on with spirit-filled songs that also have loud, infectious beats. The thinking that it’s “hymns only” or “contemporary Christian music only” ignores the fact that we’re just not always in the mood to hear the same type of music all the time—and that we all just have different tastes. If we have to pick one or the other, we probably wouldn’t make meditating on God’s Word through song a part of our routines; it would instead be relegated to moments when we were “in the mood” for a particular type of music. In my opinion, we’d miss out on great, biblically based messages heard through all kinds of song.

Another related criticism I hear a lot is that not all Christian music is particularly “spiritual,” and not all “secular” songs are particularly un-spiritual; hence, there’s no real need to listen to mostly Christian music when there are “just as spiritual songs” in secular music. Although artists on both sides do have works that cross over to the other, most Christian songs do in fact have a biblical message, because they’re based on God’s Word. By contrast, most secular songs, even if they have a “good” message, will most likely not have a biblical message because the artists are not claiming to make Christian songs. I like to use the “dollar store” analogy: you may go into the dollar store and find that there are some items that are, gasp, more than one dollar. And there may even be a few of them. However, this doesn’t mean it’s not a dollar store, just that owners sometimes reach beyond their “dollar” label to market other products. Likewise, Christian or secular artists making a few songs that differ from their norm does not change their labels. As a result, if you’re looking for “Christian” music, you’re mostly likely to find it from artists who call themselves Christian-music artists.

A final relevant issue is that people are not always trained to understand that Christian music takes so many forms. If the only Christian songs you’ve heard sound like the “Doxology” you sing every week in church, you too may be thrown off guard by something like Christian rock. As a result, you won’t even try to understand the words—they may sound too “secularized” to be any different from the pop stations. But the truth is that many contemporary songs are inspired by God’s Word but brought to life by everyday experiences—aka “testimonies”—kind of like the ones people share in church about how they came to know Christ or got through a difficult life situation, though they’re set to music, and put in lay person’s terms (ironically, so were at least some popular centuries-old hymns, at the time they were written). And these real-life experiences found in contemporary Christian music can actually be just as—and sometimes more—uplifting than traditional worship songs. And if you open up a Contemporary Christian music CD case, you’ll often find artists include the Bible verses that inspire each song. When you read the verses and then listen to the song, the scriptural message becomes even clearer (Great example: the recently released “True Beauty” by Mandisa from American idol—as I keep saying; it’s a great CD!).

My point? If we claim to know Christ—have asked him to forgive us from our sins and are now trying to live for Him—be his “disciples,” we have to do whatever we can to put away our old natures—the ones we had before we decided to follow God—and walk as He did (I John 2: 5-6). What we think about—mediate on—is a big part of that. And if I can pump a tune AND praise Him—I’m more likely think about Him any time.

What I’m playing now? Group 1 Crew, a Christian Hip-Hop group. Their hit “Forgive Me” was clearly inspired by Psalm 23. Also, here’s a chart including Christian music alternatives to secular music: http://www.extreme-youth.com/Christian_music_comparison.html And share your favorites; I’m always looking for new Kingdom artists—of all kinds…

A MUST READ

I was at the Christian bookstore a few weeks ago getting some music when I noticed a book: “The UnGuide to Dating: A He Said/She Said on Relationships” by Camerin Courtney and Todd Hertz, Christian journalists. I’ve never read a book by a journalist that I didn’t like, and it had an interesting cover, so I bought it. Overall, I’d give the book about an 8 out of 10. Here’s a “semi-review” of it: part my thoughts; part analysis of the authors’ words.

I loved the book because it was very real. The authors were themselves single adults; the “He,” Todd, 29; the “She,” Camerin, 34, writing for a single adult audience, so the book isn’t of the “True Love Waits” high school dating variety. While it does address sexual purity, it presents an overview of the major issues faced in adult Christian dating. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m critical of church dating discussions, which are often confined to youth, the message being “how to hang on and not have sex before marriage in your late teens/early twenties.” These discussions are often conducted by Christians who themselves married early, or at least advocate early marriage and are out of touch with singlehood beyond college. These authors, however, are not only in touch with the issues, they also live through them.

Three sections stood out to me. Chapter 3: “Men in the Church, O Brother, Where Art Thou?” (theorizing on the statistically proven disparity between the number of women and men in church); Chapter 4: “Changing Gender Roles: You’ve Come Along Way, Baby?” (great rebuttal to so-called spiritual leaders who attribute women having careers and not getting married in their early twenties to a willfulness to delay marriage just because) and Chapter 5: “Making the First Move? Still only a Man’s Job?” My favorite one, and the subject of this semi-review, is the last one on making the first move. Although I’m inclined to say the answer to this chapter’s question should be “yes,” (I much prefer a man doing the initial asking out), it made me rethink my conclusion.

THE GENDER DIVIDE
The first sentence of the chapter summarizes the debate, according to each gender. The female author, Camerin, shared an experiment:

“A funny thing happened when I asked the readers of my [Christian] singles column whether…they think it’s [okay] for a woman to ask a man out on a date. There was a huge gender divide. The women, by and large, communicated that it’s perhaps [okay] but certainly not preferable. Most of the men communicated something along the lines of ‘Bring it On!’” (p. 69).

The explanation for the difference was, among other posits, research suggesting (and I would agree is often true) that “women evidently get their happiness from being desired, [while] men get their thrill from the chase” (p. 72). But truthfully (and as the authors also point out), there’s a whole lot of men out there who don’t particularly like the chase, especially in the realm of Christian dating.

Before I address this area, I’ll add the assumption that who should make the first move is usually an issue when you like someone you have another kind of existing relationship with– such as a friend, coworker, business associate or teammate – especially one you’ve had a long time. If these relationships turn romantic, you often still have to interact closely if there’s a break up, or you may lose a person you value apart from romance. In these circumstances, you have to first feel out the other person to find out if they’d even want to go there – if you’re the only one who does, that alone could ruin the existing relationship. This combination of emotions and circumstance can also be paralyzing. And the more emotionally invested and scared you are, the more your usual behavior will probably be materially altered, perhaps by overreacting to every little thing that other person does. By contrast, when you date someone you don’t have an existing relationship with, I think that, at least initially it’s easier because 1) if that person rejects you you’re probably only mildly disappointed because you didn’t know each other that well anyway, and 2) if it goes sour, that will probably end your interaction with less at stake.

Does the Man Have to Do the Asking?
The issue of “the first move” can be complicated in Christian settings. As the authors address, if you’re trying to live for God, part of the equation is dating someone He’d want you with. That also means it’s probably not best to just dive into the relationship – especially where you have an existing, non-romantic relationship. Camerin says, “…it takes time, prayer, keen observation skills and input from others you respect to figure out the true character of a potential date or mate” (p. 75). Also, if you agree that you should be dating someone with the qualities you desire in a mate (not that you have to know that you’ll marry that person – it can be very unhealthy to date someone thinking you’re going to marry that person before the relationship gets serious), and those qualities should be biblical, your evaluation has to be in that light.

As a Christian woman, a necessary criterion is dating a man who shows healthy spiritual leadership qualities. One way for him to exhibit that leadership is to initiate the relationship. Todd, the male author, noted that some women take the connection between a man asking and spiritual leadership pretty far: “I’ve often heard women say that if a guy they’re interested in isn’t asking them out, then he must be ‘gutless’ or incapable of being the spiritual leader” (p. 74). Although I think that’s harsh, I do have somewhat of an implicit expectation that a Man of God would – or should, if he’s interested in me, be praying about asking me out—and that he should do it if he’s led to through prayer. It also relates to that need-to-feel-desired thing as a woman. Personally, if a guy does not ask me out, I pretty much conclude that he’s “just not that into me,” or he has some other issue with asking me out that outweighs whatever feelings he may have for me— maybe even that he’s prayed about it and doesn’t feel led to. Whatever the reason, it translates into “no discernable interest” in me. Under that circumstance, no matter how much my heart pines for you, you wouldn’t see me doing any initiating.

But enter Todd’s perspective that it may not be a bad thing for a woman to ask out a man. I have to admit that it hit me because most Christian guys I know agree, albeit reluctantly, that although it may be tough, it’s their responsibility to ask the woman out. And I’ve never dated a guy who hasn’t asked me out. However, following the “spiritual leader” comment, Todd cautiously presented an alternate view of a man’s hesitancy to ask out a woman, and added some biblical context:

“Let me tell you a secret: guy’s aren’t mind readers…So if a woman has an interest, she may prayerfully choose to let the guy know about it – not because he’s too timid or obtuse but because otherwise he just might not realize she’s interested…(But I only believe that’s true… if a man has an interest, has prayed about it, and fails to act on it…)…Because I know women may have interest in a man who doesn’t notice or already have interest in her, I don’t think initiation by a woman automatically sets a dangerous leadership precedent. But of course it could. Luckily, it’s not a one-shot deal. After a woman does make that move, she can observe the rest of the relationship to see if the guy models godly leadership. We see this in the Bible (Ruth 3).”

I certainly appreciated this perspective, and do feel that, although as I said I don’t make sweeping generalizations about a man’s spiritual leadership based on him not making the move, I do take for granted that the man should be the one to ask the woman out first. And this belief is commonly held in the Christian circles, too. I had to go back to the Ruth/Boaz story because it’s not one I hear much in the context of dating. Instead, comments like “Rebecca did not look for Isaac; Isaac found her. Rachel did not look for Jacob; Jacob looked for her” abound. In college I went to a Bible study where I probably heard those references every week for a year.

In Chapter 3 Ruth follows the advice of Naomi, the mother of her deceased husband, by going to “lay at Boaz’s feet,” (v. 4) which, just from reading the passage (i.e., not doing any exegesis), appeared to be a significant practice that, at least in this context, let him know she was romantically interested. I guess, if translated into our context, Ruth’s actions would amount to making the first move—saying, “Will you go out with me,” and Boaz responding “Yes” –and then some (v. 10-11).

This argument is a point for the “girl go ahead” side. Again, however, in the book no conclusions are made about whether a woman should do this, only that it’s not necessarily a bad—or wrong— thing, and it can be positive. Also, the author still notes that, ultimately, under a biblical model, a man has to take a healthy leadership role—one that respects the woman.

SOMWHERE IN BETWEEN?
The authors also make a suggestion on more comfortable, middle ground, one which I think is already commonly employed from a female perspective: at least letting the guy know you’re interested. Camerin, after expressing her hesitancy to ask out a guy, also concedes,

“I don’t think it’s fair for [women] to simply sit back and expect men to read out minds and then to take the risks we’re not so keen on taking ourselves. It seems the very least we can do is to offer a few hints of our interest” (p. 77).

I totally agree, but the suggestion is compounded by the fact that people perceive “hints” differently. Some think that if you’re not touchy or overt, you’re not showing interest. Although I think we all generally know what it means to complete an intentional act—in this case intentionally let someone else know that you’re interested—you may find one person’s definition of “showing interest” is different from another’s. From a female perspective, I know guys can be totally oblivious, and often require very overt acts of interest—such as heavy flirting— that I am uncomfortable doing. I think it’s more important to hint naturally; be you—that’s who the other person will be dating, anyway. Whatever you do to express your interest, however, does make the process easier for both parties—especially for the person doing the asking, who faces a higher risk of being rejected, which we all fear.

CONCLUSION
Whatever your opinion about who should do the asking, ultimately being with the person God has for you more often than not requires prayerfully taking some action—not just sitting and waiting. (This is, of course, assuming God has someone for you. I’m currently not prepared to get into a theological discussion of the gift of singleness—although I’ve heard it broken down that anyone who desires to get married probably doesn’t have it—but people who do have it claim that’s not necessarily true). Anyway, Camerin states:

“When I look at the Bible and the way God has traditionally worked amidst his people, I see that action is usually required on our part. Joshua and the Israelites had to wade in the Jordan before it would begin to part (Joshua 3: 7-17). Several times Jesus commanded people to wash in a river (John 9:1-7) or to rise and pick up their mat before they would be healed (John 5:1-9). Time and again, God works in our action, meeting our steps of faith. Sure, God can bring Mr./Ms. Right to our doorstep…More realistically, I have a feeling God nudges us to attend that photography class at the local community college or join that committee at church—and does so for a single man or woman who’s a great match for us. Hopefully we’re not so intent on sitting at home waiting for our doorbell to act on that nudge… Most important, I think we need to pray not just for open doors but for wisdom and openness to see them—and the confidence to open them” (p. 84-85).

Despite the thought-provoking discussion, I don’t think I would ever be comfortable asking a guy out first—mostly because I believe in having a relationship that’s somewhat unusual even in Christian circles, so it’s important I get a sense that he’s seriously given the idea of us being together to God—employing not just a little prayer, but a lot—and that he’s really up for the challenges that we’ll deal with—ones he probably has not dealt with in previous relationships. If he doesn’t share his interest and I have to initiate, under the circumstances it would probably mean that I would be more into him than he’s into me, and that would make the relationship especially difficult—beyond the problems that disparity often poses in more usual relationships. And the commitments I've made are first to God--and ones I believe He's asked of me to make, so he has to be comofortable with them--and at least share the sentiment behind them, even if he hasn't expressed the commitment in the same way I have before.

At the same time, where two people are seeking God’s will, I also believe that He’ll work out the human kinks. If God wants two people together, it will happen after He’s spoken to both of them, and if both are willing to act on that leading. Even when you're willing to act, however, it can be difficult to open up where strong emotions, mixed with uncertainty about their meaning, are involved. But there are, of course, passages that speak directly to overcoming fear. One of my favorite: 2 Timothy 1: 7— “But God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love and self discipline.” When we’re acting in His will, we have to be confident to make a move at His leading!

Lesson
What I’ve liked most about reading this chapter (and the book) is that it’s also gotten my friends talking—rethinking, or at least rehashing—our dating views. Check it out…it’s a good read!

CELEBRATION OF LOVE

I’ve said in this series that God delights in lovemaking, His way. Chapter Four of Song of Songs is proof. It’s a beautiful model for what a couple’s first experience having sex—or anything like it— should be.

After many mutual investments in the bank of love- meaningful meet ups, resolved conflicts, praises exchanged—acts that strengthened their bond of love --they are ready to cash in on a profitable return.

And reap their dividends they do. As interpreted, Chapter Four is their wedding night, after a ceremony of extravagant, public rejoicing. Thereafter they retreat to their chambers and lie together, for the first time, naked and unashamed.

Chapter Four

This passage epitomizes lovemaking. In fact, it writes the textbook. The Lover doesn’t high five his new wife and say something like, “yes, now we can do the deed!” Instead, he takes his time to unlock yet another layer of love with both gentleness and passion.

The Lover, in this passage far more vocal, sets the mood for their first night together in verses one to fifteen, which take place right before they consummate their marriage. In that span, he takes his time not only getting her ready for the moment, but also uses it as an opportunity to express his deep love and admiration for her. He praises Beloved from head to toe, inside and out. Because so much contextual information was needed to grasp the events that occurred, I will rely heavily on the commentary I have been using to explain it, and reserve most other comments for the conclusion.

Praise for Beloved’s Appearance
Verses 1 - 5

In verse one, the Lover initiates his all-out accolades for Beloved. The flattery begins with an unveiling, literally. At that time, women in that region, the “Near East,” usually wore veils only on their wedding day and removed them once they got to the chambers after it (a tradition we probably borrowed from, although a brief look at the history of veils showed a number of cultures influenced their use in modern day). As Beloved prepares to unveil, the Lover says, “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves.” The commentary explains, “Doves were know for their tranquility in the ancient world, and since one’s eyes are ‘windows in his soul’ reflecting his character, [he] was praising her calm and innocent character.” Jack S. Deere, Song of Songs, The Bible Knowledge Commentary: Old Testament, pg. 1017 (recognizing that beauty is more than skin deep!)

Then the Lover expresses how much her looks turned him on. He uses agricultural metaphors to describe various parts of her body that are somewhat hard to appreciate as stated. As a result, I’ll translate each description the Lover gives, with help from the commentary:

Verse/Description and Translation

1 “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead” Translation: Your hair is dark, flowing and rich

2 “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn…not one of them
is alone.”
Translation: Girl, ya got straight, white teeth!

3 “Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely.”
Translation: The outline of your mouth and the shape of your lips
are perfect.

3 “Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a
pomegranate.”
Translation:Your temple and cheeks are a pretty, sweet reddish color.

4 “Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance, on it
hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors.”
Translation:You’re so elegant and classy, like a queen.

5 “Your two breasts are like fawns, like twins of a gazelle that
browse among the lilies.”
Translation: Your breasts are soft and gentle, like your beauty,
and I want to caress them.

(Deere, pg. 1019)

Then, he ends the outward praise by declaring, in verse 5, “All beautiful, you are, my darling! There is no flaw in you!”

Ladies, imagine being the recipient of such intimate, lavish compliments from your lover, especially on the first night you see each other naked! Perhaps it may seem a fairy tale reserved only for a woman with a perfect, swimsuit model body, but remember that the Beloved herself expressed insecurities about her own appearance—for example, that she had been sunburned. However, the Lover does not focus on any of her objective flaws—he shares how she looks in his eyes—the only eyes that matter (Deere, pg. 1020)!

Guys, imagine how beautiful you would make your bride feel by giving her such unbridled praise for her looks in a world where her figure may not be considered “good” enough! You’d be letting her know that she is all you want—which means everything!

The Lover’s Request
Verse 8

Further basking in the joy of the night, the Lover asks Beloved to release any apprehension she has about their first sexual experience. At the end of verse eight he says, “Descend…from the lions’ den and the mountain haunts of the leopard.” The commentary explains: “The lions’ den may represent fearful places or circumstances…[the Lover] was asking his bride to leave her thoughts of home and put her fears behind her in order to concentrate completely on him, as he had done for her.” Deere, pg. 1019.

The Lover’s Depiction of Beloved’s Response

Verses 9 – 11

Apparently, the Lover’s words were just what Beloved needed to feel free. She takes her turn at displaying her uninhibited passion for her man with her actions, not words. The commentary does a great job of capturing it. Below is each relevant verse, then an excerpt from the commentary’s analysis. Note that as translated “sister” was a term for lover (i.e., the Lover didn’t marry his sister, lol):

Verse 9: “You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.”

Explanation: “The words ‘stolen my heart’ mean to be robbed of either one’s willpower or the ability to think clearly. The effect of his bride’s [physical expression of] love was so powerful that even a glance from her beautiful eyes or even seeing an article of jewelry or clothing associated with her was enchanting to [him]."

Verse 10: “How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!”

Explanation: “The word [in verse 10 for] love was used for physical expressions of romantic love. The verse might be more accurately translated, ‘How delightful are your kisses. How much more pleasing are your caresses than wine.’ Her physical expressions of love had a more refreshing and intoxicating effect on him than wine, just as his expression had earlier affected her. Even her perfume added to the excitement of their love. The senses of sight, touch, smell, and sound were involved in their lovemaking.”

Me: All right!

Verse 11: “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon.”

Explanation: “The [B]eloved gave herself freely with joy. She was not at all passive in their lovemaking. Her kisses were ‘as desirable as milk as sweet as honey.’ Milk and honey are combined here probably to allude to the fact that Canaan [the land promised to the Israelites when they left Egypt] was a land of milk and honey. Just as the land, rich in agricultural prosperity, was a source of blessing and joy to the people, so her kisses were a source of joy to him.”
(Deere, pg. 1019-1020)

Esteem for Beloved’s Purity
Verses 12-15

I love this part. Up to this point, they have been lovingly exploring each other’s bodies, but they have not yet consummated the marriage. Before they do, the Lover is sure to praise his bride’s purity. He compares her virginity to “a garden locked up…a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.” He is expressing that she has reserved herself completely for him, and for that he is thankful, and esteems her (v. 12). He extends the “locked up garden” metaphor in verses 13 -14, picking pleasing, well-known fruits and spices to describe the value of her purity:

“13)Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, with henna and nard, 14) nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with every kind of incense tree, with myrrh and aloes and all the fine spices.”

But he does not dwell on the delight of her “sealed” garden forever. In preparation for the act of love that is about to take place, he puts her purity in the marriage context, declaring that it will continue even after they consummate:

15)"You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon."

The commentary explains: “…The water is pure and wholesome, like flowing water streaming down from Lebanon, and is now accessible to the [Lover]. When the bride surrendered her virginity to her husband, she was no less pure for doing so. The progression from a garden foundation to a ‘water streaming down’ indicates that his beloved more than quenched [the Lover’s] desire for her and fully satisfied him. As mountain streams are refreshing so she refreshed him” (pg. 1020).

Both the passage and explanation highlight that purity is not just a thing you are—but also a thing you do, a lifestyle that is determined by daily seeking God in thought and deed. Beloved remained pure in marriage because having sex did not change her character. Also, the verse contrasts the idea of sex as “dirty”—a distortion that is often repeated in religious circles. However, God has never denigrated the act itself—only having it outside of his boundaries, marriage. But here, sex His way is clearly celebrated. And in that context we can appreciate it freely, with no guilt or shame.

The Moment
Verses 4: 16 – 5:1

Before they have sex, Beloved, usually much more vocal in the Book, speaks her first words of the chapter in verse 16: they are an invitation for her Lover to “fully possess her (i.e., come into her)” (Deere, pg. 1020). Playing on the Lover’s “garden” metaphor, she declares, “Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruit” (v. 16).

In response, the Lover tastes, and is fully satisfied. He contentedly declares (still analogizing to a garden), “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey. I have drunk my wine and my milk” (5:1).

The Lover saying “my garden,” showing possession of his wife’s body, is a reminder that, as often said, sex causes two people to become “one flesh.” In biblical context, the joining is discussed in light of marriage. When sex occurs outside marriage, it creates a “joining” without the commitment that God intended. The verse is a reminder that, when they joined in marriage, her body—including her “garden”—now belonged to him; his, to her.

Thoughts from a “Friend”
Song of Songs 5: 1

The following portion of verse one of Chapter Five has resulted in fascinating conjecture. In it someone says to the Lover and Beloved, “Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers.” In the NIV, the statement is attributed to “Friends,” who would have been the daughters of Jerusalem (as discussed, young women citizens of the city). However, other translations such as the NASB (New American Standard Bible) and the King James do not specifically attribute the statement to anyone. The commentary asserts:

“It is unlikely that [as in the NIV that] friends, wedding guests, or any other persons would have been present in the bedroom at the consummation of the couple’s marriage. A more plausible suggestion is that the speaker was God Himself. Only their Creator would have been a ‘guest’ on that occasion. Since their love was from Him it was fitting that He approve it. He invited them to enjoy sexual love in marriage as if it were a banquet (“eat…and drink”). This clearly indicates God’s approval of marriage, which He designed in the Garden of Eden” (pg. 1019 - 1020).

In this light, imagine having sex, and the God of the Universe is cheering you on! Even if this interpretation is not correct, it still squares with God’s character—He delights in blessing His children with good things, including romantic love, and He celebrates when they do it His way!

Thoughts on the Passage

I have to say that I really had to meditate—and pray—about this passage. There’s so much in this most beautiful picture of lovemaking to apply to our own lives, single or married. And the issue of sexual purity, so dear to my heart, really squares with this section of The Song. I’ll share several observations:

1. Touch in Dating

First, considering God’s plan for sex in marriage should profoundly affect the way we view physical touch outside of marriage. The lovers’ encounter in Song of Songs Chapter Four is special not just because they have sex for the first time, but also because it is the first time they really explore each other’s bodies at all. Their lovemaking before consummation that night was far more intimate than anything they had experienced while dating or courting. Prior to that their relationship was about developing their friendship, deepening their devotion to each other—and “not awakening love until it so desired.” And when it did “desire,” in this passage, it was on—in full force! But it was all at the time God ordained!

I believe that, based on a biblical model, our physical desires are not meant to be met in a dating—or even a courting—relationship. Instead, as Christians our physical interaction in these contexts has to be motivated by a desire to pursue holiness—not to see how close we can go without “going over” by having sex. And, further, honoring God in the highest way requires we think twice—even three times—about even the seemingly mundane physical acts that we assume are perfectly fine. Our goal should be how much can we save for marriage—not how much we can risk.

From this perspective, the idea of not kissing before marriage should be easier to grasp. I could do a whole other entry on that topic (and probably will at some point), but for now, I’ll refer to a message that breaks down why kissing, while not necessarily an issue of “right” and “wrong,” should be saved for marriage. I’ve linked to it before, but I will here again. I’ll also provide a short quote from it:

“I don’t think you can make the case that kissing is sex. But it is romantic and intimate, [and as such, should be reserved for marriage]...the theology [of sex in the Bible] screams, 'keep your hands and lips to yourself while dating!'” (Also see a similar message from my pastor that does not address kissing but, like the other one, addresses the issue of our bodies belonging to God as singles, not ourselves, and we should honor him with them as a result)

In dating relationships we often use kissing, rubbing, cuddling, etc., as substitutes to “hold us over” until we get to have the real deal. And, most often, attempts to hold off on sex while doing all the other things lead to one thing: sex with regrets. Our evaluation of what’s okay to do in a dating relationship should not be based on what the world thinks—e.g., that kissing is “no big deal,” but on what would please God. Not kissing—and setting other serious limits on physical touch in order to flee temptation and develop a relationship in His time—would hardly be “stupid” to God—the only Audience who should matter. In fact, He would honor the decision!

2. Transforming Our Views on Sex

Sex as Clean

On the other hand, I also think this passage is a reminder that Christians need to learn how to develop a healthy view of sex before they are married. The church has borrowed from the world’s distortions about sex. Because we see negative images of sex prominently displayed, and as a result of guilt and shame over our own decisions, we brand sex as “dirty” and something not to talk about, lest we be tarnished. And we as Christians often bring this baggage into our marriages, making it difficult to have the same kind of free, uninhibited sex that the Lover and Beloved had. But, as Song of Songs highlights, God’s plan for sex, when done in context, is meant to be enjoyable, unfettered and mind blowing! And there’s not a thing “naughty” about that!

Grasping God’s Tapestry for Sex

So how do single people living sexually pure learn to appreciate sex God’s way outside of marriage—and prepare for it in marriage—especially if they are not even kissing? I believe the answer is to embrace The Design, the but not the activity. Embracing the activity is meditating on the act of sex itself, by, for example, watching graphic sex scenes in movies or listening to sex-driven music; hanging out with people talking about their sexual experiences that do not honor God; engaging in physical relationships outside marriage that heighten thoughts about sex. By contrast, Embracing The Design is about learning to grasp God’s plan for sex in marriage through a variety of contained avenues He has given us, first of all His Word (e.g., Song of Songs!); discussions about it in a Christ-focused setting, such as a small group; reading Christian books about the topic; surrounding ourselves with people who can encourage us in purity. Unfortunately, the church has failed to address this issue as it should (conversations pretty much stop at “Don’t have Sex”), but there are more opportunities to understand it than we think! And even if we think there are none around us, He’ll bring them to us if we so desire!

I praise God that He has really been revealing Himself to me in this area. I’ve shared my journey in purity before, so I won’t rehash. But I will say that I’ve prayed earnestly for God to continuously grow my understanding of true purity while teaching me to appreciate the wonderful gift of sex that He has given. He has brought, among other things, the organization I often refer to: Worth the Wait Revolution, which is dedicated exclusively to promoting sexual purity (with contemporary style and urban class, I might add:)). We wrestle with all the issues single people face regarding sex through panels, fashion shows and group fellowship, and nothing we discuss ever gets old. It is not “just an organization for virgins”—nor does it assume that everyone who is a virgin is living pure (which is not the case)—it is about anyone desiring to understand what it means to have sex God’s way as singles, and how to prepare for it! I have seen God use it to transform people’s lives with a variety of pasts. That’s the beauty of the message of Embracing The Design-God’s Design— for sex—it has no prerequisites because, like anything in our faith, God takes care of the transformation—not us!

Reading List

Elaborating on one of the practical ways to Embrace The Design on your own, I highly recommend exploring Christian literature for singles on sex if you have not already. I think the number of good titles on dating, courting and single living generally have stepped up—and, in this context, sex specifically. There’s a couple, one I am still working on completing, that I’ll recommend:

-"The Best Sex of My Life: A Guide to Purity" (click title to see book)(self-published and written by the founder of Worth the Wait Revolution, Dr. Lindsay Marsh—33 years old and newly engaged! I have some slight issues with the book, but fantastic overall—on point for practical tips on Embracing The Design. See chapter 4 especially: Ten Choices to Keep You out of Trouble!)

-“No Sex in The City: One Virgin’s Confession on Love, Lust, Dating and Waiting,” by Lindsey N. Isham (also click title for book) There is also a four-minute clip of an interview with her that I think gives a good overview of the book: (The cover borrows the pink, city-themed signature of “Sex in the City.” It is written for ladies, but I think guys can benefit from hearing a single woman’s perspective on sex, too. I have some more significant differences with this book—including a few cultural gripes that make a chapter or two hard to relate to—or cause some disagreement—but, overall, most chapters really wrestle with guarding your mind, but also appreciating—and embracing—sex God’s way! She actually hits Song of Songs Chapter 4 in pretty good detail, too!)

Neither of these books, nor anything on true purity, requires that you be a virgin to appreciate it—they provide practical tips for all! Further, I think we need to get out of the habit of boiling every discussion about purity to whether you’ve had sex or not—but the fact is that is often the only way to get people comfortable about discussing purity. But purity is actually a condition of the heart, not a function of what you have—or haven’t done: God forgives, renews and restores in the area of sex—just like He does anything else, and we are all in need of it, whether we’ve had sex or not! But again, that’s for another super-long entry. In short, let’s embrace God’s blueprint for sex so we can overcome our hang ups about sex now, and have more to give our lovers in marriage later!

Sex as Selfless

Additionally, this passage highlights that, under a biblical model, sex is not for our own personal satisfaction, but to benefit our lover in marriage—and The Union itself. In turn, God is glorified. It is sacrificial, just like love outside of the bedroom should be (see I Corinthians 13, as addressed in the last entry). That night the Lover was first off all concerned with making Beloved feel secure, desired and pleasured. Only after he had given himself to her, for her, did he request that she give back to him (quoting verse eight: “Descend…from the lions’ den and the mountain haunts of the leopard.”) And she responded with the same selfless passion (going back to the question of how a single person not having sex can learn how to approach sex in marriage at the time God ordains: this passage gives advice, for free at that!). Because they both approached sex God’s way, both of their God-given desires were met—and, on top of that, they were blown away! That is also the beauty—and the open secret—of following Jesus: we sacrifice our worldly desires to gain greater, heavenly ones in return—that we receive pressed down, shaken together, and running over! I love my Jesus!

3. The Lover’s Security

Finally, as much as I have been discussing Beloved’s need for security from her lover (and rightfully so), I think in this passage the Lover’s need for security takes center stage. His need was not in being made to feel beautiful, being led or feeling physical assurance. But he did need to know that his woman loved him deeply and was committed to him, and him only. As he complemented her in verses one to fifteen, evidence of that confidence—that security—is clear. And this security even propelled him to stand in the leadership role that God had given him even that night in the bedroom—and in the relationship. Love God’s way is so powerful!

CONCLUSION

At the end of it all, from a biblical model the first night of a marriage is meant to be the start of a couple’s physical relationship. God delights in sex in this context; in fact, He cheers it on! To understand, appreciate and prepare ourselves for sex in marriage before marriage, we must throw aside the world’s warped views of the act and embrace God’s amazing plan for it. To get to that point—outside of marriage, or to restore it in marriage—we have to actively pursue an understanding of it—just like we have to for growth in any area of our faith. And as we take the steps to get it, He will guide us into understanding! And once we do grasp it, there is nothing “closet freakish” (under God’s model of sex, that concept doesn’t even exist!) or wrong, about appreciating sex God’s way as a single person—as long as we do so by embracing The Design, rather than the activity (yes, that phrase is my new slogan)!

As we will see in the final two chapters of Song of Songs, with God as the conductor, a married couple only increases their sexual “tune” and harmony with time—time together, and time with Him. But, for this entry, let’s really consider the contours of sex as God intended—fun, fascinating and free! This one will hit the top of the “corny” meter, and ruin any flow I had going, but who cares: Wherever you are, stop and “cheer” for Love His way!