Okay, you know how I write both long and short (but mostly long) entries? I started writing this one giving my testimony on purity and could not stop. Think of it as an online opinion article (rather than a blog entry)…
It’s almost here: the Worth the Wait 2009 Runway Show! Amid practicing my walk and, admittedly, a few shopping trips to get hot gear to go with our “Worth the Wait” tees, I’ve been thinking about my own “purity” journey. Here, you’ll be taking it with me.
Prelude: This Purity “Thing”
Because there are so many misconceptions about purity, whenever I discuss it I define it. The purity I am talking about is a commitment not just to refrain from sex outside marriage, but also other physical contact that could lead judgment about another person to be clouded—and cause a loss of focus on Christ and obeying His commands. Further, seeing God’s best in relationships requires pursuing Him daily, in every other aspect of life.
Purity is not “patting myself on the back” for the physical things I have not done—or “beating myself up” about things I have done. God does not care about the “good” things we do on our own strength, but rather that we are seeking Him completely, with all our hearts. Also, because there is always forgiveness in Christ, decisions made in the past—or future—cannot keep us from purity if we confess and change.
MY STORY
It took many years for me to understand true purity—and I’m still learning nuggets about it. Growing up I was always told not to have sex, but I was never really given many details about purity. Nevertheless, what I did learn early is part of the process that has led me to the present. To date, five defining moments along the way come to mind…
Moment One: Signing the “True Love Waits” Pledge (’95, ’96)
In seventh or eighth grade I signed a purity pledge at church youth group. I remember God prodding me to do it that day. About that time, He placed a strong desire in me to pursue purity—even though I had no idea of the challenges ahead. But making the commitment by signing the pledge put my journey on wheels. I treasure Moment One.
Moment Two: The Encounter that Sparked The Vision (’00)
A commitment is usually not refined until it is tested, and I got my first real challenge to purity in college. Freshman year, first semester, I met this “really nice,” cute guy. A couple months after we started hanging out, I ended up alone in his dorm with the door closed, lights dim and mood-setting music (in my naiveté, I honestly believed he wanted help with an English paper). As he tried to let me know what he really wanted from me, I remember feeling a rush of emotion: fear, confusion, excitement…But it was very quick; in that moment, I also had to decide whether to stay. I am so thankful His Spirit pushed me to leave –and without incident.
That encounter made me realize that living out purity as an adult would require investing in the right kind of relationships. I knew I needed to have a vision, so I started making a list of what I wanted in a guy. I know a popular idea is to dispense with a list--e.g., “it’s unrealistic;” “there’s no such thing as a perfect guy;” “a list doesn’t allow you to be open to a good thing that might come your way.” But I believe a list is never the enemy; the only potential evil is what is on it. A list done right is a vision. We are called to have direction in everything we do—and we fail without it.
Because I gave my list to God, He showed me what I needed to change. I wrote what I wanted in every area: first spiritually, and then other aspects such as interpersonally, emotionally and physically. God informed me there were some things on the list that were inconsequential or arbitrary (e.g., height: I apparently felt I needed someone who was between 6’1 1/2 and 6’4. But all I really cared about was that the guy was at least a little taller than me. God pretty much said it was okay for me to go with “about 5’9 and above,” and, thankfully, I’ve never had to walk around with a 6-foot plus tape measure, lol). Needless to say, “really nice, cute guy” from Freshman Year didn’t meet the standard. But he was instrumental in helping me develop one, so I give him a nod in Moment Two on my purity journey.
Moment Three: The Talk with A Friend Who Said “I Do” (’01, ’02)
My purity path has not only been defined by my experiences, but also those of others. About the year I made the list—my sophomore one in college— I had a heart-to-heart with a friend from elementary school. She let me know she’d been seeing this guy, it was getting serious and they would probably be getting married in a couple years (after they finished college). But she said something else that took me aback: she wouldn’t be kissing him until they got engaged.
I was a little shocked to hear that. I had always felt that kisses should be more special than most people made them—and I hadn’t kissed anyone yet—but I still wanted to kiss the right guy in the right relationship. I asked her why she made that choice. She said because she didn’t want to end up in a situation where she couldn’t stop herself from going farther than she’d want—she also had committed to purity.
Her words struck me. I had kind of heard about the whole “no kissing thing” (there was this popular book “I Kiss Dating Goodbye” that had touched on it, although I never read it), but I didn’t know anyone who actually made the commitment. Also, I had never thought about the fact that hormones could kick in and cause me to lose control. I just sort of assumed that because I really wanted to pursue purity, and with all my heart, that would never happen.
That day I didn’t make a commitment not to kiss until I was engaged like my friend, who, in fact, got married two years after that. But our conversation has been cemented in my memory, and, in time, helped me realize that walking in purity in a relationship would require making defensive decisions that prevent the sticky situations before they happen. Mrs. M, you get Moment Three.
Moment Four: The Lesson from LSAT Class that Renewed The Vision (’04)
As I said in Moment Two, I believe there is nothing wrong—and everything right—with a list, as long as you let God refine it. After college, I needed to let God sharpen mine. During it many experiences I’d had with others and time with God had strengthened my commitment to purity. But after it, I was still single.
Shortly before graduation, God had amicably (but strongly) closed the door to a potential relationship; although the guy was a wonderful Man of God whom I found very attractive, God let both of us know that our purposes were at odds. I know I felt peaceful about the fact that God had given us both such a resounding “No”—I’ve never had to wonder about the outcome—but I was still a little disappointed.
Instead of mope, I got ready for the next chapter of my life: law school. I enrolled in an LSAT Prep class. Throughout it this guy kept trying to flirt with me. At first I ignored him, but by the end of the class we’d had a few cool conversations, so I thought he was alright. And I did have to admit he was good looking.
I don’t mind being his friend, I remember saying to myself. But I knew he was interested in more than friendship. I gave him my number and, sure enough, he called me after the exam.
It took one, hour-long conversation for me to "x" him out in the relationship context because spiritually, he did not meet the criteria. I knew what I wanted—and what God wanted for me: a man who had a “strong relationship with God,” as then stated on my list. This guy couldn’t say he was saved, and also freely referred to God as “The Big Man Upstairs” (I am not trying to denigrate him, but illustrate that I knew clearly he was not the kind of guy God desired for me). Needless to say, he wasn’t down with the whole purity thing, which I had discussed with him “just to be clear.”
I also told him we could not have a relationship. He said that was cool, but wanted to know if we could “just be friends.” If this had been a year earlier, I would have said “no;” I have enough friends. But, admittedly, at the time I was a little bored and feeling a little lonely, so I reasoned that it was alright for us to be merely friends (a “male companion,” as one of my friends generally liked to put such interaction). Plus, a part of me enjoyed the debates we had over almost anything (we agreed about very little—which should have been another “hint hint” to cut any guise of friendship).
But what God showed me after I had been hanging out with him on and off for few months was that the time we were spending was absolutely pointless—a detour. God reminded me that having vision, particularly in the context of purity, means avoiding company that is distraction. We may not have been dating per se, but spending time with him—especially alone—was opening the door for something to happen if I had a weak moment. And true vision does not lose focus no matter what the circumstance.
Also, like my “Moment Three” talk with my friend a few years earlier, I was reminded that a commitment to purity is not just about me, but also how I interact with others. I hadn’t tried to, but I realized that I had led the guy on. On one hand, I said we couldn’t have a relationship, but I knew he was interested despite the fact that he said he wasn’t. Granted, he could have stopped talking to me—but I am not responsible for his actions. I am responsible only for my own. And a woman who walks in purity has a singular focus—to please Christ. She gets her confidence from Him and His Word, and doesn’t need attention from any man, in whole or part. I am thankful I have not since been in that situation; if a guy does not fit the vision, it doesn’t matter what he says or does: I look the other way! And it is liberating...
So how did the experience refine my list specifically? It made me realize that as I focus more on my relationship with God, my desire to be with a true Man of God has deepened. Before, I was comfortable with listing spiritual attributes such as “a strong relationship with God” or “a heart for God.” Granted, I still want those things, but God showed me that I needed to be more specific both on the list and in my observation. Now I must have a man who will get “down, dirty and twisted up” for Christ (tacky, perhaps, but I love that description:))—and fit in my purpose. And as I pursue purity in my personal relationship with God, I have become more attuned to recognizing that kind of man. God, thank you for Moment Four!
Moment Five: The Ring to the Present (’07-Now)
The final defining “moment” (my definition of “moment” has expanded since the beginning) in my purity journey thus far is purchasing a purity ring in ’07, which you can read about here since I just wrote about it. I’ve had challenges over this period, too, but I have never felt more equipped to walk in purity than now. During these “post-ring” years is when God brought “Worth the Wait” to encourage me—and minister to others—on the quest. I’m pretty much still basking in Moment Five…
Postlude
Looking back on the last fourteen or so years since I took the purity pledge, I am so thankful for God’s past—and continued—grace along the way. I am floored by how much He has protected me from—and poured into me. I firmly believe that a willing heart—even a somewhat naïve one—is the “raw material” that God uses to give us the strength to make--and keep--bold commitments for Him. In pledging purity we must constantly put aside our own strength; our guilt about past decisions; our doubts—knowing that He will shape our futures and give us the desires of our heart if we only commit them to Him.
That’s my story—in five— so far.
