Stand for Love

“Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorched.” ~ Song of Songs 8:7

This beautiful verse from The Song sums up perfectly the power of love, as demonstrated in this book that is a recipe for godly romantic love. Chapters seven and eight, the last two, recapture the themes hit in earlier parts such as security; unconditional love, in spite of conflict; friendship in love; romance and godly sex (and also new material— for example, in Chapter 7 Beloved, the woman, initiating sex). I encourage you to explore them. Although I planned to here, I really felt God pulling me to use this last series entry to highlight the need for us to have a “Song of Songs” view of love no matter what our circumstance.

In our world it’s easy to view The Song as an unattainable, fairy tale romance. Although throughout the book conflict, doubt and fear in relationships are addressed (see Chapters 2, 3, 5-6 and 8), at the end of it all love rooted in God, strong and powerful, is The Protagonist that conquerors all (see 8:6, the verse right before the one quoted above –“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame”).

Yet such valiant love seems rare in our context. In our relationships we often see infidelity, abuse and divorce more than unconditional love that blossoms into lifelong marriage, as portrayed in The Song.

There also are those sobering statistics that add to the seeming unlikelihood of love in our age: the growing number of single adults, men and women; particularly professional women – and, more specifically, professional black women.

Or at times we may choose to forgo love God’s way for “practical” reasons: career; age; finances; geography.

Hope as the Mantra

No matter what our situation, if we are followers of Christ we are called to approach even romantic love in today’s world with hope – just as we are all other aspects of our faith. In Romans 5: 1-5 the Apostle Paul describes hope as an end goal of our growth as Christians. Verse 5 says, “And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” The hope we have in Christ is not about our present circumstance, but the confidence that we have to approach any situation in life with expectancy because we have the ultimate security: eternal life with Jesus.

While God calls some of us to a life of singleness for some period – or for life, He also calls many of us to marriage. But God’s way of fulfilling His purpose for each of us will not be accomplished based on where we personally think we should be given our circumstances. In following Him He won’t call us to singlehood simply because we might feel disillusioned about love, or think marriage is impractical for us. He also doesn’t decide marriage for us just because we we’re sick of being "alone," or we think it’s the “right time” for it. In His sovereignty, He has purposes far greater than anything we can see with human specs.

Whether or not God calls us to marriage, His special purpose for it on this earth still begs us to consider it with hope. He uses it in so many ways: to fulfill His promises to the devoted through generations; to raise leaders who are fearless for Him. He employs it to give us a picture of His sacrificial love for us—and to teach us how to adopt it . And it is a means of giving us support and companionship. As we see through Song of Songs, it is meant to be enduring, blissful and breathtaking. No matter how far our society strays from His ideal for it, God needs His people in it His way – for His ultimate glory.

I believe God is always calling us to counter our culture – especially in the area of love: in dating, waiting and marriage. And it starts with infusing hope into our very thinking. We must begin by trusting that if God calls us to marriage, He can work it out regardless of how it seems at present. This faith requires us to divorce ourselves from the dismal reality of love in our world. Hebrews 11: 1 defines faith as “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

No matter what we may think, God is fully aware of our circumstances: our “biological clocks”; how much time we have on this earth; how many years our parents have to be grandparents; how demanding our occupations or graduate programs are; how much money we have in our bank accounts; the ratio of eligible men to women; how many people around us are in relationships or married. Yet somehow, we use those and other reasons to try to take love out of His hands.

God can do anything despite our unbelief, but the reality is that He not only calls us to belief, but He also rewards us for it. If we do not have faith that He can accomplish marriage, how will we have faith that He can sustain us in marriage, or even be entrusted with it for His glory?

At the same time, hoping in love ultimately is not about getting married – it is about being fully open to God’s purposes in our lives, single or married. Wherever we are at the moment, God has put us there to teach us something. And we are to be confident in that place and pursue the growth that He always calls His people to. I love how the apostle Paul says it in 1 Timothy 6: 6-7 – “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.” As an old poem says, only what is done for Christ, through Christ, will last. That is to be our ultimate pursuit - including in love.

A Process

We don’t get to a place of hope with contentment in the area of love overnight, nor do we stay there without constant effort. And God doesn’t expect us to start, and stay, there from day one. But we must be willing to take that journey. Too many of us are in a place of despondency, disillusionment or indifference to love. Yet Songs of Songs is clear: God delights in giving romantic love; it is a gift lovingly wrapped by Him.

Imagine how adopting a romantic love "revolution", beginning with our thinking-- would change our world –for generations to come! We would move from a love erosion to a reconstruction! It is possible through Christ – but whether it occurs, we are to do our part by pursuing His will and trusting that He will accomplish His purpose in our own lives, and througout the earth. And we must be reminded that as we pursue Him, He gives us the grace, courage and strength to walk in whatever He wills for love in our own lives: singleness, marriage - or some combination.

Epilogue: On The Song

I cherish the story of love that is Song of Songs. Exploring the book personally has added to my understanding of love, and pray that, if you dive into it, it will do the same for you. It has all the elements of a fairy tale romance – yet it’s rooted in reality, too. It is God’s vision for romantic love, imprinted in His Word, that He does accomplish. And the narrative is meant to encourage us. Romans 15:4 sums the hope that His Word is supposed to give us in our love journeys. It is so great I think it requires a look in several versions. Ponder each translation:

4 For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. (NKJV)

4For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. (NIV)

4For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. (NASB)

4 Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled. (NLT)

Let’s champion romantic love God’s way – regardless of our circumstances. We are His ambassadors, in all of life, even love. And in our world He needs us hopeful, so let’s stand that way.

GLORIOUS SUFFERING

Easter’s here again. I’ve been trying to spend the last few days reflecting on what The Cross has meant most to me recently. What kept coming to mind is how God uses suffering to do wonderful, mighty things in the lives of His people as a result of Jesus’ agonizing death.

Suffering is one of those things that Christians tend not to attribute to God. Our response to questions such as “why do bad things happen to ‘good’ people,” or even “why does God allow suffering?” usually includes something about God giving us free will, which results in people—or beings, such as Satan—choosing evil, or that God allows suffering for some great purpose. But often we don’t say that God orchestrates the suffering – that seems contradictory to His nature.

God's Hand in Suffering

I was confronted with the idea of God affecting suffering most recently through small group, where we’re doing a Bible study called “Seeing and Savoring Jesus.” As it sounds, it’s about learning to, and enjoying, walking closely with Jesus, daily. One lesson, “Jesus Christ: Sovereign and Submissive,” discussed God having absolute authority over all things, including the so-called “good” and “bad” (for example, his dominion over “the gift of faith-Philippians 1:29; the persecution of Christians-Hebrews 12: 4-7; the growth of believers-Hebrews 6:3; and the sickness of children—2 Samuel 12:15” p. 81). The question was then posed what “theological problem” is created by the fact that God is in control of all, even suffering. The following was part of the answer, which in particular underscored that God has a hand in suffering, not merely that He allows it:

"How God governs all events in the universe without sinning, and without removing responsibility from man, with compassionate outcomes is mysterious indeed! But that is what the Bible teaches. God ‘works all things after the counsel of his will (Ephesians 1: 11)’…From the smallest things to the greatest thing, good and evil, happy and sad, pagan and Christian, pain and pleasure—God governs them all for his wise and just and good purposes (Isaiah 46:10). Lest we miss the point, the Bible speaks most clearly to this in the most painful situations. Amos [the prophet in the Bible] asks, in time of disaster, ‘If calamity occurs in a city has not the Lord done it? (Amos 3:6).’ After losing all ten of his children in the collapse of his son’s house, Job says, ‘The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21).’ After being covered with boils he says, ‘Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity? (Job 2:10)'" p. 80-81.

His Example

There is no greater exhibit of God orchestrating suffering for His purpose than The Cross. It was purposed suffering that even Jesus himself was conflicted about enduring. When he went to pray in the Garden of Gethsemane shortly before his death, the Bible tells us that Jesus said to his disciples, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me” (Matthew 26: 38). Then, in the following verse, “…he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (v. 39). He prayed similarly in verse 42. By asking that the “cup” be taken from Him, He likely was saying that if God’s plan of salvation could be accomplished without him having to endure death, God should provide that way.

But we know the story did not end with God removing Jesus from the pain of The Cross just because he felt overwhelmed. In the same breath as the plea in Matthew 26:39 for God to intervene, Jesus also asked that the Father’s will be done (v. 39, 42). As Philippians 2: 8 says, Jesus, the Lord of Glory, humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a Cross. He put aside His fears to choose His Father’s will. And because of the pain—the stripes—He suffered, we are healed, saved from the ultimate price of sin if we only believe on His name.

Looking at the death of Jesus should affect the way we view the suffering God purposes in our own lives. We can spend time debating to what degree God “allowed” or “caused” the pain we go through. But the better response is to use it as an opportunity to see God work in our lives and that of others.

God’s Work through Paul

A great example of how we are to respond to suffering as Christians, flowing from The Cross, is the Apostle Paul. As an early missionary bringing the gospel to the ends of the earth, he faced all kinds of persecution for claiming Christ (and presecution of that kind is still faced today!). The Bible also talks about him having some kind of unnamed “thorn in the flesh,” the nature of which scholars debate (some say it was a type of physical ailment, but that discussion is for another time). Whatever it was, Paul specifically says in 2 Corinthians 12: 7 that it was sent to him as a result of his ministry: “To keep me from being conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me.” He knew God had the power to remove the suffering and not only chose not to, but purposed it:

“8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Paul also wrote of God’s design for his suffering in 2 Timothy 2: 8 – 10:

"8Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead, descended from David. This is my gospel, 9for which I am suffering even to the point of being chained like a criminal. But God's word is not chained. 10Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory."

The Ultimate Response

Imagine if we approached hardships in life first learning from Jesus’ example: That we pray God’s will, no matter how we are feeling. What if we also learned from Paul who, through Christ, delighted in suffering for the opportunity to be stretched—and strengthened—by The Source. We would see that God’s glory can be revealed in it, just as it can in the “good” times we long for!

The Great High Priest

Knowing the agony that Christ went through before and during his death on The Cross also should give us special comfort that there is no suffering we experience that He cannot relate to, so we should give all hardships to Him, and rely on Him through them. I love the words of encouragement in Hebrews 4: 15-16:

"15 For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (NKJV).

What power – what comfort – we have because of Christ’s death! The most we can give Him in response is our lives—and in all circumstances: sickness and health; wealth and poverty; “good” and “bad.”

This Easter, let’s be reminded that His willingness to endure has given us the grace to embrace all of life’s events, knowing that He has overcome them all and is at work in and through them. That’s how we get the most out of our time on earth that is here today, gone tomorrow, and filled with trouble in between!

There’s a song I love that speaks to the splendor of His suffering, aptly called The Glory. I have no better description for Calvary than glorious!

CELEBRATION OF LOVE

I’ve said in this series that God delights in lovemaking, His way. Chapter Four of Song of Songs is proof. It’s a beautiful model for what a couple’s first experience having sex—or anything like it— should be.

After many mutual investments in the bank of love- meaningful meet ups, resolved conflicts, praises exchanged—acts that strengthened their bond of love --they are ready to cash in on a profitable return.

And reap their dividends they do. As interpreted, Chapter Four is their wedding night, after a ceremony of extravagant, public rejoicing. Thereafter they retreat to their chambers and lie together, for the first time, naked and unashamed.

Chapter Four

This passage epitomizes lovemaking. In fact, it writes the textbook. The Lover doesn’t high five his new wife and say something like, “yes, now we can do the deed!” Instead, he takes his time to unlock yet another layer of love with both gentleness and passion.

The Lover, in this passage far more vocal, sets the mood for their first night together in verses one to fifteen, which take place right before they consummate their marriage. In that span, he takes his time not only getting her ready for the moment, but also uses it as an opportunity to express his deep love and admiration for her. He praises Beloved from head to toe, inside and out. Because so much contextual information was needed to grasp the events that occurred, I will rely heavily on the commentary I have been using to explain it, and reserve most other comments for the conclusion.

Praise for Beloved’s Appearance
Verses 1 - 5

In verse one, the Lover initiates his all-out accolades for Beloved. The flattery begins with an unveiling, literally. At that time, women in that region, the “Near East,” usually wore veils only on their wedding day and removed them once they got to the chambers after it (a tradition we probably borrowed from, although a brief look at the history of veils showed a number of cultures influenced their use in modern day). As Beloved prepares to unveil, the Lover says, “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves.” The commentary explains, “Doves were know for their tranquility in the ancient world, and since one’s eyes are ‘windows in his soul’ reflecting his character, [he] was praising her calm and innocent character.” Jack S. Deere, Song of Songs, The Bible Knowledge Commentary: Old Testament, pg. 1017 (recognizing that beauty is more than skin deep!)

Then the Lover expresses how much her looks turned him on. He uses agricultural metaphors to describe various parts of her body that are somewhat hard to appreciate as stated. As a result, I’ll translate each description the Lover gives, with help from the commentary:

Verse/Description and Translation

1 “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead” Translation: Your hair is dark, flowing and rich

2 “Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn…not one of them
is alone.”
Translation: Girl, ya got straight, white teeth!

3 “Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely.”
Translation: The outline of your mouth and the shape of your lips
are perfect.

3 “Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a
pomegranate.”
Translation:Your temple and cheeks are a pretty, sweet reddish color.

4 “Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance, on it
hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors.”
Translation:You’re so elegant and classy, like a queen.

5 “Your two breasts are like fawns, like twins of a gazelle that
browse among the lilies.”
Translation: Your breasts are soft and gentle, like your beauty,
and I want to caress them.

(Deere, pg. 1019)

Then, he ends the outward praise by declaring, in verse 5, “All beautiful, you are, my darling! There is no flaw in you!”

Ladies, imagine being the recipient of such intimate, lavish compliments from your lover, especially on the first night you see each other naked! Perhaps it may seem a fairy tale reserved only for a woman with a perfect, swimsuit model body, but remember that the Beloved herself expressed insecurities about her own appearance—for example, that she had been sunburned. However, the Lover does not focus on any of her objective flaws—he shares how she looks in his eyes—the only eyes that matter (Deere, pg. 1020)!

Guys, imagine how beautiful you would make your bride feel by giving her such unbridled praise for her looks in a world where her figure may not be considered “good” enough! You’d be letting her know that she is all you want—which means everything!

The Lover’s Request
Verse 8

Further basking in the joy of the night, the Lover asks Beloved to release any apprehension she has about their first sexual experience. At the end of verse eight he says, “Descend…from the lions’ den and the mountain haunts of the leopard.” The commentary explains: “The lions’ den may represent fearful places or circumstances…[the Lover] was asking his bride to leave her thoughts of home and put her fears behind her in order to concentrate completely on him, as he had done for her.” Deere, pg. 1019.

The Lover’s Depiction of Beloved’s Response

Verses 9 – 11

Apparently, the Lover’s words were just what Beloved needed to feel free. She takes her turn at displaying her uninhibited passion for her man with her actions, not words. The commentary does a great job of capturing it. Below is each relevant verse, then an excerpt from the commentary’s analysis. Note that as translated “sister” was a term for lover (i.e., the Lover didn’t marry his sister, lol):

Verse 9: “You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.”

Explanation: “The words ‘stolen my heart’ mean to be robbed of either one’s willpower or the ability to think clearly. The effect of his bride’s [physical expression of] love was so powerful that even a glance from her beautiful eyes or even seeing an article of jewelry or clothing associated with her was enchanting to [him]."

Verse 10: “How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!”

Explanation: “The word [in verse 10 for] love was used for physical expressions of romantic love. The verse might be more accurately translated, ‘How delightful are your kisses. How much more pleasing are your caresses than wine.’ Her physical expressions of love had a more refreshing and intoxicating effect on him than wine, just as his expression had earlier affected her. Even her perfume added to the excitement of their love. The senses of sight, touch, smell, and sound were involved in their lovemaking.”

Me: All right!

Verse 11: “Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon.”

Explanation: “The [B]eloved gave herself freely with joy. She was not at all passive in their lovemaking. Her kisses were ‘as desirable as milk as sweet as honey.’ Milk and honey are combined here probably to allude to the fact that Canaan [the land promised to the Israelites when they left Egypt] was a land of milk and honey. Just as the land, rich in agricultural prosperity, was a source of blessing and joy to the people, so her kisses were a source of joy to him.”
(Deere, pg. 1019-1020)

Esteem for Beloved’s Purity
Verses 12-15

I love this part. Up to this point, they have been lovingly exploring each other’s bodies, but they have not yet consummated the marriage. Before they do, the Lover is sure to praise his bride’s purity. He compares her virginity to “a garden locked up…a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.” He is expressing that she has reserved herself completely for him, and for that he is thankful, and esteems her (v. 12). He extends the “locked up garden” metaphor in verses 13 -14, picking pleasing, well-known fruits and spices to describe the value of her purity:

“13)Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, with henna and nard, 14) nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with every kind of incense tree, with myrrh and aloes and all the fine spices.”

But he does not dwell on the delight of her “sealed” garden forever. In preparation for the act of love that is about to take place, he puts her purity in the marriage context, declaring that it will continue even after they consummate:

15)"You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon."

The commentary explains: “…The water is pure and wholesome, like flowing water streaming down from Lebanon, and is now accessible to the [Lover]. When the bride surrendered her virginity to her husband, she was no less pure for doing so. The progression from a garden foundation to a ‘water streaming down’ indicates that his beloved more than quenched [the Lover’s] desire for her and fully satisfied him. As mountain streams are refreshing so she refreshed him” (pg. 1020).

Both the passage and explanation highlight that purity is not just a thing you are—but also a thing you do, a lifestyle that is determined by daily seeking God in thought and deed. Beloved remained pure in marriage because having sex did not change her character. Also, the verse contrasts the idea of sex as “dirty”—a distortion that is often repeated in religious circles. However, God has never denigrated the act itself—only having it outside of his boundaries, marriage. But here, sex His way is clearly celebrated. And in that context we can appreciate it freely, with no guilt or shame.

The Moment
Verses 4: 16 – 5:1

Before they have sex, Beloved, usually much more vocal in the Book, speaks her first words of the chapter in verse 16: they are an invitation for her Lover to “fully possess her (i.e., come into her)” (Deere, pg. 1020). Playing on the Lover’s “garden” metaphor, she declares, “Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruit” (v. 16).

In response, the Lover tastes, and is fully satisfied. He contentedly declares (still analogizing to a garden), “I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey. I have drunk my wine and my milk” (5:1).

The Lover saying “my garden,” showing possession of his wife’s body, is a reminder that, as often said, sex causes two people to become “one flesh.” In biblical context, the joining is discussed in light of marriage. When sex occurs outside marriage, it creates a “joining” without the commitment that God intended. The verse is a reminder that, when they joined in marriage, her body—including her “garden”—now belonged to him; his, to her.

Thoughts from a “Friend”
Song of Songs 5: 1

The following portion of verse one of Chapter Five has resulted in fascinating conjecture. In it someone says to the Lover and Beloved, “Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers.” In the NIV, the statement is attributed to “Friends,” who would have been the daughters of Jerusalem (as discussed, young women citizens of the city). However, other translations such as the NASB (New American Standard Bible) and the King James do not specifically attribute the statement to anyone. The commentary asserts:

“It is unlikely that [as in the NIV that] friends, wedding guests, or any other persons would have been present in the bedroom at the consummation of the couple’s marriage. A more plausible suggestion is that the speaker was God Himself. Only their Creator would have been a ‘guest’ on that occasion. Since their love was from Him it was fitting that He approve it. He invited them to enjoy sexual love in marriage as if it were a banquet (“eat…and drink”). This clearly indicates God’s approval of marriage, which He designed in the Garden of Eden” (pg. 1019 - 1020).

In this light, imagine having sex, and the God of the Universe is cheering you on! Even if this interpretation is not correct, it still squares with God’s character—He delights in blessing His children with good things, including romantic love, and He celebrates when they do it His way!

Thoughts on the Passage

I have to say that I really had to meditate—and pray—about this passage. There’s so much in this most beautiful picture of lovemaking to apply to our own lives, single or married. And the issue of sexual purity, so dear to my heart, really squares with this section of The Song. I’ll share several observations:

1. Touch in Dating

First, considering God’s plan for sex in marriage should profoundly affect the way we view physical touch outside of marriage. The lovers’ encounter in Song of Songs Chapter Four is special not just because they have sex for the first time, but also because it is the first time they really explore each other’s bodies at all. Their lovemaking before consummation that night was far more intimate than anything they had experienced while dating or courting. Prior to that their relationship was about developing their friendship, deepening their devotion to each other—and “not awakening love until it so desired.” And when it did “desire,” in this passage, it was on—in full force! But it was all at the time God ordained!

I believe that, based on a biblical model, our physical desires are not meant to be met in a dating—or even a courting—relationship. Instead, as Christians our physical interaction in these contexts has to be motivated by a desire to pursue holiness—not to see how close we can go without “going over” by having sex. And, further, honoring God in the highest way requires we think twice—even three times—about even the seemingly mundane physical acts that we assume are perfectly fine. Our goal should be how much can we save for marriage—not how much we can risk.

From this perspective, the idea of not kissing before marriage should be easier to grasp. I could do a whole other entry on that topic (and probably will at some point), but for now, I’ll refer to a message that breaks down why kissing, while not necessarily an issue of “right” and “wrong,” should be saved for marriage. I’ve linked to it before, but I will here again. I’ll also provide a short quote from it:

“I don’t think you can make the case that kissing is sex. But it is romantic and intimate, [and as such, should be reserved for marriage]...the theology [of sex in the Bible] screams, 'keep your hands and lips to yourself while dating!'” (Also see a similar message from my pastor that does not address kissing but, like the other one, addresses the issue of our bodies belonging to God as singles, not ourselves, and we should honor him with them as a result)

In dating relationships we often use kissing, rubbing, cuddling, etc., as substitutes to “hold us over” until we get to have the real deal. And, most often, attempts to hold off on sex while doing all the other things lead to one thing: sex with regrets. Our evaluation of what’s okay to do in a dating relationship should not be based on what the world thinks—e.g., that kissing is “no big deal,” but on what would please God. Not kissing—and setting other serious limits on physical touch in order to flee temptation and develop a relationship in His time—would hardly be “stupid” to God—the only Audience who should matter. In fact, He would honor the decision!

2. Transforming Our Views on Sex

Sex as Clean

On the other hand, I also think this passage is a reminder that Christians need to learn how to develop a healthy view of sex before they are married. The church has borrowed from the world’s distortions about sex. Because we see negative images of sex prominently displayed, and as a result of guilt and shame over our own decisions, we brand sex as “dirty” and something not to talk about, lest we be tarnished. And we as Christians often bring this baggage into our marriages, making it difficult to have the same kind of free, uninhibited sex that the Lover and Beloved had. But, as Song of Songs highlights, God’s plan for sex, when done in context, is meant to be enjoyable, unfettered and mind blowing! And there’s not a thing “naughty” about that!

Grasping God’s Tapestry for Sex

So how do single people living sexually pure learn to appreciate sex God’s way outside of marriage—and prepare for it in marriage—especially if they are not even kissing? I believe the answer is to embrace The Design, the but not the activity. Embracing the activity is meditating on the act of sex itself, by, for example, watching graphic sex scenes in movies or listening to sex-driven music; hanging out with people talking about their sexual experiences that do not honor God; engaging in physical relationships outside marriage that heighten thoughts about sex. By contrast, Embracing The Design is about learning to grasp God’s plan for sex in marriage through a variety of contained avenues He has given us, first of all His Word (e.g., Song of Songs!); discussions about it in a Christ-focused setting, such as a small group; reading Christian books about the topic; surrounding ourselves with people who can encourage us in purity. Unfortunately, the church has failed to address this issue as it should (conversations pretty much stop at “Don’t have Sex”), but there are more opportunities to understand it than we think! And even if we think there are none around us, He’ll bring them to us if we so desire!

I praise God that He has really been revealing Himself to me in this area. I’ve shared my journey in purity before, so I won’t rehash. But I will say that I’ve prayed earnestly for God to continuously grow my understanding of true purity while teaching me to appreciate the wonderful gift of sex that He has given. He has brought, among other things, the organization I often refer to: Worth the Wait Revolution, which is dedicated exclusively to promoting sexual purity (with contemporary style and urban class, I might add:)). We wrestle with all the issues single people face regarding sex through panels, fashion shows and group fellowship, and nothing we discuss ever gets old. It is not “just an organization for virgins”—nor does it assume that everyone who is a virgin is living pure (which is not the case)—it is about anyone desiring to understand what it means to have sex God’s way as singles, and how to prepare for it! I have seen God use it to transform people’s lives with a variety of pasts. That’s the beauty of the message of Embracing The Design-God’s Design— for sex—it has no prerequisites because, like anything in our faith, God takes care of the transformation—not us!

Reading List

Elaborating on one of the practical ways to Embrace The Design on your own, I highly recommend exploring Christian literature for singles on sex if you have not already. I think the number of good titles on dating, courting and single living generally have stepped up—and, in this context, sex specifically. There’s a couple, one I am still working on completing, that I’ll recommend:

-"The Best Sex of My Life: A Guide to Purity" (click title to see book)(self-published and written by the founder of Worth the Wait Revolution, Dr. Lindsay Marsh—33 years old and newly engaged! I have some slight issues with the book, but fantastic overall—on point for practical tips on Embracing The Design. See chapter 4 especially: Ten Choices to Keep You out of Trouble!)

-“No Sex in The City: One Virgin’s Confession on Love, Lust, Dating and Waiting,” by Lindsey N. Isham (also click title for book) There is also a four-minute clip of an interview with her that I think gives a good overview of the book: (The cover borrows the pink, city-themed signature of “Sex in the City.” It is written for ladies, but I think guys can benefit from hearing a single woman’s perspective on sex, too. I have some more significant differences with this book—including a few cultural gripes that make a chapter or two hard to relate to—or cause some disagreement—but, overall, most chapters really wrestle with guarding your mind, but also appreciating—and embracing—sex God’s way! She actually hits Song of Songs Chapter 4 in pretty good detail, too!)

Neither of these books, nor anything on true purity, requires that you be a virgin to appreciate it—they provide practical tips for all! Further, I think we need to get out of the habit of boiling every discussion about purity to whether you’ve had sex or not—but the fact is that is often the only way to get people comfortable about discussing purity. But purity is actually a condition of the heart, not a function of what you have—or haven’t done: God forgives, renews and restores in the area of sex—just like He does anything else, and we are all in need of it, whether we’ve had sex or not! But again, that’s for another super-long entry. In short, let’s embrace God’s blueprint for sex so we can overcome our hang ups about sex now, and have more to give our lovers in marriage later!

Sex as Selfless

Additionally, this passage highlights that, under a biblical model, sex is not for our own personal satisfaction, but to benefit our lover in marriage—and The Union itself. In turn, God is glorified. It is sacrificial, just like love outside of the bedroom should be (see I Corinthians 13, as addressed in the last entry). That night the Lover was first off all concerned with making Beloved feel secure, desired and pleasured. Only after he had given himself to her, for her, did he request that she give back to him (quoting verse eight: “Descend…from the lions’ den and the mountain haunts of the leopard.”) And she responded with the same selfless passion (going back to the question of how a single person not having sex can learn how to approach sex in marriage at the time God ordains: this passage gives advice, for free at that!). Because they both approached sex God’s way, both of their God-given desires were met—and, on top of that, they were blown away! That is also the beauty—and the open secret—of following Jesus: we sacrifice our worldly desires to gain greater, heavenly ones in return—that we receive pressed down, shaken together, and running over! I love my Jesus!

3. The Lover’s Security

Finally, as much as I have been discussing Beloved’s need for security from her lover (and rightfully so), I think in this passage the Lover’s need for security takes center stage. His need was not in being made to feel beautiful, being led or feeling physical assurance. But he did need to know that his woman loved him deeply and was committed to him, and him only. As he complemented her in verses one to fifteen, evidence of that confidence—that security—is clear. And this security even propelled him to stand in the leadership role that God had given him even that night in the bedroom—and in the relationship. Love God’s way is so powerful!

CONCLUSION

At the end of it all, from a biblical model the first night of a marriage is meant to be the start of a couple’s physical relationship. God delights in sex in this context; in fact, He cheers it on! To understand, appreciate and prepare ourselves for sex in marriage before marriage, we must throw aside the world’s warped views of the act and embrace God’s amazing plan for it. To get to that point—outside of marriage, or to restore it in marriage—we have to actively pursue an understanding of it—just like we have to for growth in any area of our faith. And as we take the steps to get it, He will guide us into understanding! And once we do grasp it, there is nothing “closet freakish” (under God’s model of sex, that concept doesn’t even exist!) or wrong, about appreciating sex God’s way as a single person—as long as we do so by embracing The Design, rather than the activity (yes, that phrase is my new slogan)!

As we will see in the final two chapters of Song of Songs, with God as the conductor, a married couple only increases their sexual “tune” and harmony with time—time together, and time with Him. But, for this entry, let’s really consider the contours of sex as God intended—fun, fascinating and free! This one will hit the top of the “corny” meter, and ruin any flow I had going, but who cares: Wherever you are, stop and “cheer” for Love His way!

Perseverance in Love

Love is never just bliss.

Even Song of Songs, in its celebration of pure, romantic love, touches a somber reality: the potential for inevitable conflict to upset a couple’s felicity. And the moral of this aspect of the story is in how the couple deal with it rightly—keeping their relationship firmly intact.

The “Foxes” and Desire
Chapter 2: 14-17

Discussion of discord begins pretty early in the book. Near the end of Chapter Two, as the couple plot their countryside getaway (which occurs right after the first reference not to awaken or arouse love), the Lover (or, by some interpretations, the Beloved,) says amid their elation: “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards are in bloom” (v. 15). Generally, as the verse says, foxes were known for destroying crops. However, given the context it is not believed they are talking about literal foxes and vineyards, but instead “metaphorically for some problems in their relationship” Deere, pg. 1015 (The Bible Knowledge Commentary). Commentators have surmised on the couple’s conflicts:

The foxes represent as many obstacles or temptations as have plagued lovers through the centuries. Perhaps it is the fox of uncontrolled desire which drives a wedge of guilt between a couple. Perhaps it is the fox of mistrust and jealousy which breaks the bond of love. Or it may be the fox of selfishness and pride which refuses to let one acknowledge his fault to another. Or it may be an unforgiving spirit which will not accept the apology of another. These foxes have been ruining vineyards for years and the end of their work is not in sight Deere, pg. 1016 (quoting S. Craig Glickman, A Song for Lovers, pg. 49 – 50).

Whatever the problems, however, the couple were still deeply committed to each other. In the following verse, the Beloved says, “My lover is mine and I am his” (v. 16a). The next verse is said to be the Beloved expressing a desire to be sexually intimate with her Lover, and was probably made to herself, as a soliloquy (flashback to literature class!): “Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my lover, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills” (v. 17). She is probably wishing for the intimacy to last all night (“until the day breaks and the shadows flee”) and that her lover would be like the “gazelle or young stag” on the “rugged hills.” The “rugged hills” are often believed to be a reference to her breasts Deere, pg. 1016 (clever use of imagery and metaphor—another one for Lit class!). Despite the desire to be with her lover physically, at this point the couple still use restraint in their relationship by not having sex before their wedding Deere, pg. 1016.

I think it is interesting that the desire for physical intimacy—but the couple not acting on it— is expressed right after a discussion of conflict, especially at this point in their relationship. One obvious observation is that it is an indicator their love is stronger than any conflict. But further, I think it speaks to the practical, essential relationship skills that come with reserving sex for marriage. Through waiting, the couple deepened their devotion to each other—they learned they couldn’t just give into their whim—even if they really wanted to at the moment. If they had a problem, they had to work on it – without bringing sex into the picture (how often is sex—or other forms of physicality—used as a weapon or a means of avoidance!) That tenacity in purity is the same the couple would apply in marriage to overcome disagreements, the worries of life and other “foxes” along their love journey. Perseverance in purity is a practice with discernable dividends!

Beloved’s Dream of Love Lost
Chapter 3: 1-4

Perhaps a “fox” that could have crept into the relationship is doubt, which is addressed right after the Beloved’s “rugged hills” soliloquy, at the beginning of chapter 3 (although there is no such direct reference for doubt as a “fox”—but I think a valid tie-in linking this passage to the conflict theme that can be supported given the proximity of this section to the “foxes” verse).

After their getaway, which concludes in chapter 2, the couple part, going back to their own homes. In Chapter 3: 1- 4, Beloved has a dream that she looks for “the one her heart loves,” but is unable to find him (v. 1). She goes through the city searching for him, even asking watchmen who guard the city if they have seen him. They cannot help her (v. 3).

When she finally does find him, verse four gives her account: “I held him and would not let go till I had brought him to my mother’s house, to the room of the one who conceived me” (v. 4). The commentary explains the dream well: “When a person loves another deeply, it is natural to fear losing him or her. In her dream she lost her lover and sought to find him. The repeated expression of ‘the one my heart loves’ (once in each of these four verses) revealed the depth of her love…” Further, she took him back to her mother’s house, the place where, at this point, she feels the most security— where she had been conceived Deere, 1016. But note – no sex!

On Fear

I also find it noteworthy that Beloved’s fear of losing her Lover is mentioned at this point, somewhat far along in their relationship--courtship. The fear is not defined; it does not say what could make her lose him. Surmising, it could be fear of circumstances out of their control, such as death, or perhaps trepidation that, for some reason, the wonderful bond of love they have could be broken. Whatever it is, it is still present well into their relationship—and overcoming it drives Beloved to seek assurance that love is not lost –reassurance from her Lover himself, and in a place of security, her mother’s home.

I also think it is worth mentioning again that Beloved speaks of this fear rather than the Lover. Granted, as the commentary points out, fear of losing a lover is something both men and women experience. But in light of previous discussions about a man making a woman secure about his love, and the need for women especially to guard their hearts given what we (women) tend to sacrifice when we do not, I also think it can be another reminder for a man that if this fear can exist later in a relationship, it can most assuredly be present earlier—and prevent a couple from getting close to one another. While earlier in a relationship neither party can give an assurance of “forever,” it is useful for the man, under the “security” umbrella, to show a commitment to developing the relationship at least in the short term, as God leads (and she should also—but I think he should take the lead).

Further, even as both male and female guard their hearts early on, there is a need to do so without putting up walls that block a couple from openness. Personally, I think that’s a challenging line to walk—on the one hand, there are no guarantees that opening up to someone else will bring love—but without openness, there is no potential for love, at God’s direction, to be cultivated. In short—we can’t protect ourselves from all feelings of hurt or heartbreak, but I think that as we approach the potential for godly romantic love with faith, He’ll give us the wisdom—and confidence— to navigate those situations. But developing love—and maintaining it—is work!

“Foxes” in Matrimony

The Conflict
Chapter 5: 2-4

The book also shows the couple were tested in marriage. In chapter five, after the “honeymoon” (which I will hit in the next entry), they settle into life as one, with its challenges. Chapters Five and Six describe a dream Beloved had about a disagreement between the couple—and their make-up. The commentary I have been using for the book describes the “problem,” verses 5: 2-8, as “the wife’s indifference, the husband’s absence” Deere, pg. 1020. Beloved is in their bedroom alone, and the Lover comes knocking on their locked bedroom door late, at night (v. 2).

But her response is not of the “young stag or gazelle on a rugged hill” variety of Chapter 2: 17 (sorry—couldn’t resist!). Instead, she is annoyed, not wanting to get it. She says, “I have taken off my robe, must I put it on again? I have washed my feet—must I soil them again?” (5:3).

As stated, the passage is a dream, and not much, if anything, is said about why the couple had the dispute, so I do not want to guess too much. But, given what has already been discussed, it would not a stretch to say that the Lover’s absence and late return could have had something to do with Beloved’s chill response to her husband’s request—perhaps she had expected him sooner.

Whatever her resistance, however, she eventually gives in and attempts to open the door for her Lover. In verse four, she describes: “my lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.” This is one of those verses that you may have heard interpreted very differently—in the “young stag” vein—okay, that was the last time—but apparently, the reference can very well be interpreted literally rather than figuratively: “the Hebrew expression translated my heart began to pound for him is used elsewhere to express pity or compassion…not to express sexual arousal as some scholars have maintained” Deere, 1020 (note: for what it is worth, the commentary I’m using was written by Dallas Theological Seminary faculty, although denomination—including the lack of it— often does not appear to determine how this book is interpreted, at least not in my limited study). From that perspective, here the Lover makes a hurried effort to open the door (i.e., the literal door), but is unsuccessful.

By the time the Beloved gets up to unlock it, however, her Lover is gone! Verse five says that when Beloved touched the door handle it was covered in myrrh, a fragrance then associated with lovemaking. The Lover very well could have put it there “as a token affection for his Beloved...wanting more than relief from the discomfort of the night air” (Deere, pg. 1020- 1021). Perhaps he, too, had become angry at her hesitance and needed time to cool off, but the passage does not say that—and, in fact, the Lover does not speak again until Chapter 6:4, when the couple reconcile.

The Separation
Chapter 5: 5-16

The sequence that follows further shows the couple’s love was greater than any disagreement. After the Beloved realizes her Lover has gone, she tries to find him. In fact, as she looks she is beaten by night watchmen patrolling the city (v. 7), who mistake her for a criminal Deere, pg. 1021. Again, the reference can be interpreted as a need for security from her Lover, and her pain without him.

But Beloved does not stop her search there. She asks her friends, the Daughters of Jerusalem (as mentioned in the last entry, they were probably female inhabitants of the city), to help her find him. She also says in the second part of verse eight that if they find him, they should tell him that she is “faint with love”—a return to language she used earlier in their relationship, at least once (see Chapter 2: 3 – “Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love.”)

The Friends’ reply gives the Beloved a chance to express why she loves her Lover so. They ask her in verse nine: “How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women? How is your beloved better than others, that you charge us so?”

The response is a flurry of praise for her Lover, from verses 10-16, highlighting her attraction to both his appearance and character. She begins, “my lover is radiant and ruddy” (i.e., dark and handsome; a physical reference), “outstanding among ten thousand” a reference to his character) (v. 10). She ends the praise for her lover beautifully in verse 16: “His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.”

Renewal
Chapter 6

Here, the couple finally reunite. At this point, Beloved knows to find him in his garden, where spices and lilies grow (v. 2). The commentary explains the reference indicates “their separation was more in the emotional realm than in the spatial, for she had apparently always known his whereabouts” Deere, pg. 1021. Further, spring time was the setting in which their love initially blossomed, so the nod to the garden also can be seen as “springtime” in their hearts—a revival of their love.

Their reencounter does not begin with them rehashing the argument, trying to decide who was right or wrong. Instead, it starts with mutual praise. Deere, pg. 1021. Beloved says she is her Lover’s and he, hers (6:3). The Lover also showers Beloved with praise for her beauty and character, even giving her some of the same compliments about her appearance that he did on their wedding night (v. 4-9).

Verses 11-12 near concludes the couple’s reconciliation with a lament referencing their return to spring. The Lover (or Beloved), says: “I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley; to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. Before I realized it, my desire set me among the royal chariots of my people.” Although verse 12 (“Before I realized it…my people”) is considered “one of the most difficult verses in the Bible to interpret” because it can be translated many different ways in the Hebrew (speaking of romance, lol), whatever it means, the Lover is expressing how he is still enamored by his long-time woman, who, as translated from Hebrew, “enraptures” him (or he her). Deere, pg. 1021. Call this conclusion tacky, but I cannot resist this one either:

The foxes have fallen, and Love has scored!

Withstanding the Winds: The Biblical Definition of Love

How do we know if someone really loves us, romantically, or that we love another?

That question reminds me of Cher’s “Shoop Shoop Song,” otherwise known as “It’s in His Kiss” (we used to sing it at sleepovers in middle or high school): that you know whether a man loves you not from his embrace, looking into his eyes, his charm—or even his actions—it’s all about that mouth-to-mouth connection!

Amusing or not, we kind of do like to answer that question based on the “intangibles,” not the practical. We want to be with that person who makes us feel a certain way—not necessarily the person who does the right things. And we often do not evaluate our own love for someone else based on the tangible.

Despite the fact that appraising love by the unseen (i.e., feelings), is not completely meritless—I think the “intangibles” can play some role in the analysis (but although I like that Cher song, I can’t co sign on the kissing factor; I think it’s more like, love me so well without kissing me so when we do eventually kiss, i.e, down the road, your love will be so good there’s no way the kiss could be bad—take that, lol)—those unseen factors should not be the foundation for deciding whether love exists.

A "Corinthians” Love

That famous passage on love, 1 Corinthians 13, is a much better, sustainable measure—the best, the “most excellent way” (1 Cor. 12: 31b) . Verses four through seven are especially key. I’ll state the attributes, verse by verse, line by line, so they are not missed:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

None of us, on our own, possess all these characteristics. Sure, we can check off a few of them, but having each one—in romantic (and other) relationships—takes work, spiritual grit! As Song of Songs indicates, the couple possessed them. And for any love to last, they must be present—in both people. Further, to possess them we must be willing to practice them daily. I believe in praying these verses—and checking my motives based on them. They are so powerful, challenging —and handy!

Love is not just a “warm fuzzy feeling” that we get when a certain somebody enters the room. It must also be a job—a commitment to another that involves relentless work. A big part of how you know someone loves you (or that you love another) is not by necessarily getting all these things right all the time (no one can), but by having enough connection to another to make godly love the constant relationship aim. It’s also the way that a couple can avoid ”falling out of love”—i.e, "out of sacrifice," for each other, not allowing conflict to overtake devotion.

Romantic love flourishes when the one—and the other—make the selfless Corinthians commitment—and keep it. And we must always remember that there is The One, The Only, who fulfills His promise of love to us everyday—and has since before the beginning of time. Love that draws from Him can only be vibrant and renewed— go the distance—sunrise to sunset; in springtime and winter.

WAIT FOR LOVE

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.”

You can’t hurry love: Diana Ross sang those words, but they capture the meaning of the refrain repeated a few times in Song of Songs: “Love cannot be forced, and it must be patiently waited for.” “Songs of Songs” by Jack S. Deer, The Bible Knowledge Commentary: Old Testament, pg. 1015 (1983).

I have to confess that I was getting so excited about discussing this verse primarily in the context of sexual purity. It’s no secret I’m passionate about the message—and this verse is often used as a warning to save sex for matrimony. Although this point is still relevant and will be addressed, a closer reading of the references show the statement can be interpreted as an even more holistic charge to approach every aspect of love with patience.

Each time the statement is made by Beloved. The “Daughters of Jerusalem” are probably the female inhabitants of the city. Deer, pg. 1012. Beloved appears to be speaking as a somewhat older woman talking to younger ones, or to those not necessarily younger, but who have not yet experienced true love. Use of “by the does and gazelles of the field” is an ode to graceful animals that likely would have been referenced if the Beloved and Lover were literally in a field, or if the Beloved were thinking of one. The scene of these animals frolicking in an open space conjures up whimsical images of love in a warm, sunny season, like spring time (not in a snowy winter—lol!).

This refrain is repeated three times in the Book: Chapter 2 verse 4; Chapter 3 verse 5; Chapter 8 verse 4. It also is said that, in addition to seeing the refrain as a plea to wait for love, Beloved meant it as “a reminder to all those desiring a love like the one she and the [Lover] had to wait [diligently] for God to bring it in their lives.” Deer, pg. 1015. Further, it has been explained that each reference occurs “as a structural indicator to mark the ending of one section and to introduce the next one.” Deer, pg. 1015. We’ll look at the context for each reference.

Chapter Two, Verse 4

The first reference, where we last left off, was said by the Beloved after praising her Lover and expressing how he made her feel secure. In the verse directly before the first charge, verse three, she says, “His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.” Then, the words: “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” In that context, the refrain can be seen as an uttering of delight given the comfort she feels with her Lover. She essentially tells the daughters that they too can experience the kind of love she has, but they must wait for it. And it is worth it— she’s savoring the moment!

After the statement, the transition involves the Beloved and the Lover going away together. In verse five, the Lover comes to pick her up. Seeing him from a distance, she says with glee in verse eight, “Listen! My Lover! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills.” A couple verses later, the Lover says to Beloved, “Arise, my darling, and come with me” (v. 9). He makes almost the same request in verse 13b: “Arise, come, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.” In verses 11-12a he describes what appears to be, again, spring time: “the winter is past” (v. 11); flowers are in bloom (v. 12) and trees are beginning to bear fruit (v. 13). The excitement they both display about going away together also indicates that it is a blissful time in their relationship that both treasure. By some interpretations, they are in courtship. Deer, pgs. 1014-1015. The Beloved and the Lover have waited for Love, and it has come!

Chapter 3, verse 5

The next reference to the refrain comes after what appears to be a dream Beloved has in which she fears losing her Lover. It will be addressed in more detail in the next entry. But the refrain (“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires") occurs right before what could be the couple’s wedding, which, by that interpretation, runs from Chapter 3 verse six through Chapter 5 verse 1. Deer, pg. 1015. By waiting for love, the Beloved and the Lover are not only able to overcome doubts about the relationship, but also see it reach a new height. And so she urges the Daughters of Jerusalem to wait for love!

Chapter 8, verse 4

Before the last use of the refrain, in the final chapter of the book, the Beloved is expressing a longing for an even greater intimacy with her Lover —seeking their love to reach yet another plane even after their union. She again speaks of the security of her Lover: “His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me” (verse 3). The verses that follow are an expression of the blessing their love has brought them over time. Deer, pgs. 1023-1024. And the way the Book ends in the last chapter also is worth waiting until the end of the series to discuss.

On the Refrain

I think the refrain is such a good reminder. I love that it is addressed to the Daughters of Jerusalem, and probably means only women (as opposed to “daughters” meaning all inhabitants, male and female). I think women tend to struggle way more with hurrying love. We express dreams of it much more often than men do—many of us from childhood, with our dress-up clothes and bridal gown cutouts. And as we grow older, the rush to hurry love comes with a price—giving away our bodies, our hearts —our dreams—for someone not so willing to sacrifice the same.

We also allow society to hurry love for us. Sometimes it’s family members—a mother wondering when she’ll get those grandkids; friends who have already tied the knot urging the same; the notion of the “biological clock” ticking.

But whatever the challenge, we must understand that when we do not wait for love, we cannot have what we even desired in the first place. Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end leads to death.” How many times have we, male and female, rushed love (through sex, emotions, or both)—only to be momentarily satisfied, but have lasting heartbreak? Love is an area we crash in a lot. But when we wait patiently, for His love, He protects us from burn! Also, thank God He is forviging when we do stray, but we still have to face the consequences of our decision to rush love--ones that He wanted to protect us from!

No Awakening or Arousal

The verse also points out that waiting for love involves avoiding both awakening or arousing it.

Relevant definitions of “awake” are “to wake up; arouse from sleep” and "to come or bring to an awareness; become cognizant.” The connotation of those definitions is a forced one—i.e., unearthing something manually. From that perspective, “awaken” in the passage can be viewed as “unearthing” love by forcing the wrong relationship (with the wrong person), at the wrong time—in attempt to create love.

Here, however, “arouse” seems to have a different connotation—one of taking an existing foundation for love that is proper, but putting it in the wrong context. A definition of arouse is “to stir to action or strong response; excite.” Using that denotation, love can be improperly “aroused” by perhaps being with a person who God provides, but making decisions in the relationship before marriage that do not honor him.

Considering both of these definitions, waiting patiently for love is twofold: 1) not just waiting for the right man or woman but, 2) when that person does come, allowing God to write your love story in His timing—not ours (never read the book linked to, but love the title!)

I also think the refrain is a reminder for men to be sensitive to women’s desire for love, protecting and nurturing it at God’s leading. In my past reads of this book, I never really noticed how much more the Beloved expresses her musings about love as compared to her Lover. The Lover is of course an integral part of the book, but most of his role is to reinforce Beloved, as he does in the first chapter discussed in the previous (blog) entry, and throughout the book. And if you just flip through Song of Songs, you will find Beloved speaks way more. And when the Lover is most vocal, it is in Chapter four, which is often interpreted as their wedding night (we’ll get to that). At each point in the book, he is reassuring her—she takes her cues about their love from his words and actions. So when Beloved urges the daughters of Jerusalem three times not to arouse love, she’s speaking from the experience of having what the women dream of—with a man who really took the time to cultivate a lasting love with her.

Ladies, men who God brings our way must be willing to unlock love in the same manner as the Lover. Too often men feel that a woman guarding her heart necessarily means rejection. But a man who wants to do love God’s way must be assured that, if He is acting at God’s leading, in time love will blossom. And, on the other hand, the woman also must wait for it to blossom—not give it away prematurely. Looking back after love has been timely awakened, the couple will thank each other, as the Lover and Beloved do—and see God bring more boon to their love!

Conclusion

I love the reminder from the refrain, “Don’t awaken or arouse love until it so desires.” Ultimately, God wants us all to have a healthy view of love. Too often, because of our past decisions and the poor examples of love we see around us, we become disheartened by it. But that is not in God’s design for us. Love patiently waited for reaps a wonderful harvest that pleases God. Yes, Our Creator is a Love God, and as they say, a "Sex God" who delights in love making as he intended it—in marriage! Even if you see no examples of pure, righteous love around you, you have His Word. So let’s love Love—and not be disheartened by the wait. It will be worth it!

Ecclesiastes (which was probably written by the man who probably wrote Song of Songs, King Solomon), Chapter 3, verse 11, says: “He has made everything beautiful in his time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”

We may think waiting for love is an eternity—but guess what? Eternity is in His hands, and within them the power to create for us romantic love that lasts. From that perspective, we just have to wait a moment.

Unleashing The Song of Love

Prologue

As I begin looking at Song of Songs this month I have to say that my talk on this book will only be a nod to justice—there’s so much imagery, metaphors, themes, etc., to pull from it that I can’t cover everything—and, frankly, would need way more study to be able to understand and touch it all anyway. But I’ll make as many observations as I can about the book as a picture of the kind of romantic love that God delights in.

Diving In

From the moment Song of Songs begins, the reader is swept into a vibrant love narrative. The entire book, eight chapters, involves dialogue between the “Lover,” a man, and “Beloved,” a woman. At times “Friends” also weigh in. The intro to the Book in my Bible sums it up as a “Storybook romance and steamy dialogue between two God-fearing, passionate lovers” (New Women’s Devotional Bible, New International Version, Zondervan, 2006).

And you can feel that passion. In verse 2, “Beloved,” the woman, opens the dialogue by saying of her Lover: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine.” Reading the first chapter and the first several verses of the second, Chapters 1- 2: 1-6, two themes in the section touch me about the couple: 1) the mutual intensity of their love and 2) that their love makes the Beloved feel especially secure.

Mutual Intensity of Affection

Although I see the Beloved’s security playing more prominently in this passage than the “intensity” theme, I’m going to start with intensity because I think it’s part of the foundation for her security in the relationship. From Chapter 1: 9 - Chapter 2:2, the two alternate voicing their affection.

Lover
Chapter 1: 9-11; 15; 17; 2:2

The Lover begins this section of exchanges by complimenting the Beloved. He likens her to a horse fit for a king (v. 9)—essentially, that she is classy; says that he likes her style (v. 10--her jewelry makes her cheek and neck look beautiful). He also says that he is willing to invest in her appearance by making her “earrings of gold, studded with silver.” Further, in verse 15 he declares her beauty.

But he talks about more than just her physical appearance and how he plans to enhance it. He also speaks of their relationship as steady and enduring. He declares in verse 17 that “the beams” of their house are “cedars,” and their “rafters are firs.” Per the commentary, cedar was then seen as a strong, durable type of wood used to build palatial structures such as temples. Fir was a wood pleasing in sight and smell. Even if he may have been talking about a literal building, seeing the reference in the context of their relationship could lead to an interpretation that he is speaking about the health of their relationship. From that perspective, he’s saying their relationship is solid, sweet and that he stands behind it. Further, he notes no woman compares to his Beloved, she is “like a lily among thorns” (2:2).

Beloved
Chapter 1: 2-3; 14, 16; 2:3

The Beloved has her own way of describing their relationship that also esteems both him and their love. As noted, in verse two she says his love is “more delightful than wine.” Beloved also says he smells nice, and that his name—character, is at least as wonderful as his smell—if not more so (v. 3). Further, in verse 12 she states that his presence turns her on (“while the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance”). Beloved also notes that her Lover is pleasant, like myrrh on her body. Further, she says he is classy, handsome and charming—and, as the Lover also said, no one compares to him (v. 14, 16, 2: 3)

She also refers to the quality of their relationship, which, in context, can be seen as “verdant,” or vibrant (v. 16) (although subsequent chapters talk about them not “awakening love” until the right moment, so the reference is probably not sexual). Either way, she, like her Lover, has full confidence in their love!

Beloved’s Security
Chapter 1: 3-8; Chapter 2: 3-6

I want to spend more time talking about Beloved’s security in her Lover’s affection—a theme that hit me as one of the most important aspects of the passage. In the same opening section where she compliments his love being “more delightful than wine” and his scent and name being like perfume, she also declares, twice, “No wonder the maidens love you!” (v. 3-4). She isn’t the least bit jealous or disdainful with that statement—she sees it as yet another reason to love him! She is sure of his love for her, and he makes her feel that she is the only woman for him—despite the fact that other women surround them. As a result, she has no problem acknowledging that these women see his value, too!

In subsequent verses the Beloved clues us in on why she feels secure in his love. One reason is that she is comfortable being with him, and the context shows that he receives her as she is. In chapter 1 verses 4-6 she talks of being “dark yet lovely,” explaining that she is sun burnt from working long hours in the vineyard (not a natural darkness; as is often pointed out, the reference is not racial) (also, she still has confidence in her own beauty despite her insecurity; noting in verse 5 that she is still lovely).

Any feelings of personal insecurity she has, however, do not extend to her feelings about their relationship. After explaining her appearance, she quickly moves to asking where her lover “rests his sheep,” wondering “why she should be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of” his friends (v. 7). A shepherd, we know, guides the sheep, giving them nothing to fear. Likewise, here she feels comfortable associating with him “as she is,” and being near his friends—she sees no reason to be “veiled” in their presence. I think other observations can be made from this dialogue, but in the context of the security theme, with him she is free to be herself—and she wants to be around him. That says a lot! Further, her friends encourage her to find him, and graze her own “young goats” where he is (v. 8). (also note: one commentary explained the use of "flocks" as a metaphor referring to Christ’s relationship "shepherding" the church—although it was an older commentary, and some newer ones point out that, generally, this comparison is problematic because it is unsupported by the plain text: “though [imagery in the book] does serve as a wonderful picture of God’s relationship to Israel and Christ’s relationship to the church, there are no clues within the book itself to support such a reading. In the last analysis, one’s interpretation of this book should come from within the book itself, and preferably from the clues given the author by himself.” NIV Compact Bible Commentary,” by John H. Sailhamer, page 359, 1994. Again, I will try not to get bogged down in the debate, but I found that comment particularly relevant!)

There also is further discussion of her finding relationship security by her Lover’s actions. In Chapter 2, verse 3, Beloved says she “delight[s] to sit in his shade.” She further explains that “He has taken [her] to the banquet hall, and his banner over [her] is love.” A banquet hall is generally filled with people having a big, special feast. He guides her there, and showers her with love, publicly. And she responds favorably—asking that he give her food, “strengthen her with apples,” because she is “faint with love” (2:5).

Further, there is talk of him making her feel physical security as well. In verse six she says, “his left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.” But in the very next verse comes the refrain that is found a few times throughout the book: “Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the doves of the field: do not arouse love until it desires” (2:7). Next time, we’ll pick up the story there.

Thoughts on the Chapter

The first chapter already says so much about true love—and I was only able to hit a couple relevant points! One is that true love is reciprocated. The Lover and the Beloved are equally enamored by each other physically, personally and emotionally. And the entire story speaks to their spiritual connection (which I did not touch much here—but likely will throughout).

The way the lovers talk about each other also seems to indicate they’ve had to travel some miles to feel—and express—their love so openly. But at this point it is deep, particularly the extent of the Beloved’s assurance of her Lover’s affection. While both feel a sense of security in the relationship, the Beloved expresses that security different from the Lover—and seems to rely on it more than he. The Lover can assert that their “house,” which could be interpeted as a reference not necessarily just to a building, but also their love, is built, over time, of cedar. But he doesn’t speak of being led by her, assured of his desirability to her or being held by her as reasons for feeling secure. By contrast, Beloved makes these references in the context of security many times; for example, when she expresses security in seeking after him as he tends flocks (1:7); having him take her to the banquet hall (2:4); him holding her (2:6).

I believe firmly that, even today, the key to a woman’s heart (if other elements are met, such as emotional, physical and spiritual connections) is making her feel secure. This should not be a security about how she looks or who she is (although he can reinforce her worth, she should possess that on her own already; even as the passage points out, the Beloved could acknowledge her physical insecurities, but still call herself lovely--pointing out her value aside from her relationship with her lover). Instead, it’s an assurance that makes her confident about his love. For the Beloved that required (and still does) that the Lover show gentle leadership in a variety of ways, from his words to his actions. And his expressions give her the confidence to be open about her love—and give the same sense of security to him--albeit in a different form.

In Christian circles, there’s so much discussion about how a godly romance should be initiated—especially how a man should approach a woman (or, at times, vice versa-a debate which I blogged about a couple years ago). I think sometimes we just need to press pause and take a closer look at what God has already said about how romantic love should be initiated and expressed—not only for the answer to a question, but also to grasp a deeper understanding of His brand of love--the only that truly lasts.

The first chapter of Song of Songs is only the beginning of a book that provides a snapshot of what heavenly love on earth looks like. Let’s really ruminate on it…

Up Next: Before “Love” Awakens…

Love Talk, The Beginning

I love February. I have a very personal reason, of course:), but even putting that aside, it’s got that holiday inspiring both awe and angst: Valentine’s Day. Yes, friends, February is all about luuuvvv—or the lack of it.

On the "awe" side," we hear so many cute stories about romantic love stemming from February 14. An atmosphere of affection is promoted, leading men especially to catch an unusual kind of romantic wind that results in heart-warming tales of love confessions and proposals (although personally, I think the proposals go better with warm weather and gardens in full bloom). But either way, the month often leaves hearts aflutter.

This month, I want to do another series, and this time, I want to tackle love. As you’re probably well aware, the Word of God has its own love story, too. Actually, it is more than just a story—it’s a love manual: Song of Songs. And this month, it will be my muse--excuse me, The Muse.

Until about last year, Song of Songs was one of those books of the Bible I had never really spent much time in.

My earliest memories of the it are from somewhere in the middle of elementary school, when prepubescent guys at my Christian school realized that vivid descriptions of breasts and other female parts could be found there (rather than just magazines they had swiped from girls). They shared this revelation with everyone, of course pointing out that they were merely "studying the Word," as we had been so instructed.

When I got a little older I also read through it a couple times on my own, in high school then college, but I didn't use any study guides—or hear any full-fledged sermons on the book really dissecting it. Then last year a couple sermon series on it made me really see a picture of the kind of love so many chase but never find. But, of course, it’s described in His Word.

Following the messages I’ve wanted to reread the book on my own. Now, in the “Love Month,” is the perfect time!

Depending on your familiarity with Song of Songs, you might know there is a lot of disagreement about the context and interpretation of the book. Some say it is the literal love story (in poetry) of King Solomon and the Shulammite woman, who is at least mentioned in chapter 6, verse 13, of the book. Others say that is preposterous; there are no two central characters; it’s a collection of poems—connected or not—literal or not—that may—or may not— be talking about certain real--or perhaps fictitious—people. There’s even more to the debate, but the point is that I don’t plan to engage in it here.

What fascinates me about the book, however, is that regardless of where people come out after endless exegesis, the practical applications of it, in my experience, always ends up being the same. I don’t know many other books of the Bible that have that result—if any.

As I read, I’m going to write about the descriptions of love, mostly in a romantic context, that strike me about the book. I’ll also try to avoid too much textual analysis and talk instead about love the feeling—that must be anchored in substance, as defined by God’s Word—but still engenders feeling nonetheless.

Welcome to the Love Talk. I think it’ll be fun!

Every Opportunity (Words, Conclusion)

The title: I’ve used those words before, but had no better heading to close this series. It describes how followers of Christ are to take all chances to let our language show our light.

Too often, aware or unaware, we act as though faith is simply a “personal” thing—like it’s just between us and God. But the Word of God is clear that the “inward” faith we have is supposed to reflect an “outward,” distinguishable reality that is public. The topics touched--not swearing and keeping our word; using encouraging words; avoiding angry words; and sharing The Good News—are just a few examples of how our words are to glow.

Most importantly, in our memory should be that, at God’s leading, our words can move someone else from a grave end to a glorious, new beginning in Christ. The passage from the intro, Colossians 4: 5-6, is a good summary: “5Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. 6Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

We really do have a world where people are watching. And we can probably provide our own examples of someone letting us know so. When our words are constantly full of grace--building up rather than tearing down; loving rather than hateful; measured instead of rash, we are sowing eternal seeds that benefit "outsiders"--and the Body as well!

I've listened to two great messages recently about the importance of particularly using words to "represent" our faith.

Analogizing from the football season and the upcoming Superbowl, at my church we're doing a series on being a "Die-Hard Fan" of God. One message on sharing our faith in word (and in deed) really hit me. I'll paraphrase a key comment (in quotes) "when our light hits the room, it's literally supposed to expose darkness.” Are our lights doing that?

A message from another pastor talked about the importance of telling people by our words and actions that Christianity isn't for any one type of person. He touched some of the false perceptions about the faith. Again paraphrasing, he said, "it's not a southern 'Bible Belt' thing; a western thing or a certain political party thing."

We need to let people in all different circles, of all shades and stripes, know the life-changing power our faith is supposed to bring. And we've been shown the method and manner to manifest it. And it begins with a desire to be like Him. I'll let His words in 1 Peter 3:15 close:

“But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”

Words, Conclusion.

GO AND TELL (Words, Part 4)

I purchased it, 50% off: The Life Principles Bible by syndicated pastor and author, Charles Stanley. It wasn’t that I needed a new Bible—I just liked the study’s content, and it was the first NASB (New American Standard Bible) I had ever gotten, although more recently I had been looking up passages in the version online for comparison.

It’s a good resource; I’ll read through it at some point, I thought to myself.

But a few months passed, and I hadn’t touched it. In fact, I had even purchased another one in the interim that bumped it lower on my priority list. So when my brother, who was visiting from out-of-town for Christmas, popped his head into my room needing a Bible to take with him on a prayer-themed conference, I handed it over—shiny and new.

It was the last time I would see the Bible. It wasn’t lost or stolen: my brother gave it away—to someone who didn’t have one. I couldn’t complain—sharing is what our faith should be about. And because The Gospel is the most important words we can share—discussing it is the best place to begin the end of this series.

Presenting the Message

Clearly, we’re called to share our faith using more than just words. Jesus repeated that our actions should draw people to Him, and throughout the epistles our Christ-like behavior in all circumstances is described as critical to the process.

Yet the command to use words also is clear. After his resurrection Jesus told his disciples in Mark 16: 15-"Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation.” Matthew Henry’s Commentary on Mark 16: 14-18 explains the command as including verbal communication: "Inform[ing people] concerning Christ, the history of his life, and death, and resurrection; instruct[ing] them in the meaning and intention of these, and of the advantages which the children of men have, or may have, hereby; and invit[ing] them, without exception, to come and share in them. This is gospel. Let this be preached in all places, to all persons.’’

Further, in Romans 10:14-15, Paul asks, “How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

The Divide

But the biblical mandate to share our faith verbally is often complicated by the debate in Christian circles about how to do it. Some think more raw approaches that involve talking to strangers, such as “open-air evangelism”—passing out tracks on street corners or giving the gospel message in public places—or striking up conversations with people unknown to ask questions like, “if you were to die tonight, do you think you’d go to heaven?” are tactics to be avoided. They argue instead the focus should be on lifestyle and building long-term relationships that eventually provide the opportunity to share. Others think methods that don’t include speaking to strangers about the gospel aren’t bold enough, given that receiving Jesus is the difference between eternal death and forever life. Still others are somewhere in between—or have no opinion.

A couple years ago I went to a conference where the debate was addressed at one of the workshops. The presenter, a full time, open-air evangelist, blasted a famous quote by St. Francis of Assisi: “Preach the gospel at all times, and when necessary use words.”

“Yeah we can ‘preach’ with actions, but what we need more is direct words. We have to reach everyone—even the people we don’t know, and we do that with strong words,” he said.

While I had some disagreement with the presenter’s approach, his point struck me. Despite our calling to use words, we don’t as much as we should. If we embrace any means of sharing our faith, often it’s solely the “lifestyle” model. And it’s easy to say that the opportunities for verbal communication of Jesus’ death, burial and resurrection will simply flow from our behavior. But in reality, it really isn’t all that fluid. If we don’t intend to share the gospel, when opportunities come up in existing relationships we’re more likely to shy away from the potentially uncomfortable, confrontational responses that can follow. And if we dodge every opportunity, we’ll never share!

At the same time, given the reoccurring Biblical command to love, and looking at Jesus’ life, and that of his followers, building relationships and performing works was the anchor for drawing people to Him. Undoubtedly, sharing by lifestyle presents opportunities that striking-it-up-with-strangers can’t. Also, it isn’t always practical—or allowable—to use words, especially in places such as work, where the “open-air” tactics might get you fired. Another issue is sensitivity to others’ beliefs; for example, in a number of circumstances pointedly saying to others, especially someone who belongs to another faith, “you need to accept Jesus now” can be insulting, ruin a friendship or foreclose any discussion on faith ever again. And we likely wouldn’t want someone of another faith to use that approach with us.

Balance

In light of straddling the two polar views, both of which I believe have some merit, I would modify St. Francis of Assisi’s quote to “Preach the gospel at all times, and when there’s an opportunity, use words.” It might just be semantics—perhaps his definition of “necessary” would include “whenever there’s an opportunity,” but for clarity, I’d make the change. Ultimately, God is The One who does the saving; no effort of ours can win someone else to Christ. But as Christians, we’re also meant to be his ambassadors here on earth, which requires making a choice to work for Christ to reach people with the Gospel in a variety of ways.

Once we decide to actively share our faith with others, it’s our responsibility to open ourselves up to His leading and receive opportunities to join in the work. As we’re seeking Him daily, watching our teaching and lifestyle closely, we allow His Spirit to give us wisdom about how and when to present our faith to others—in word and deed.

The Early Church as a Model

I love how the New Testament is filled with great examples of early church members preaching the gospel with life and language. In Acts 2: 42-47, we see the results of believers reaching out to meet peoples’ physical needs along with the spiritual: the number of believers increased “daily” (v. 47).

Another account in Acts 8:26-40 involves the apostle Philip being led by the Spirit down a road where an important Ethiopian official, a eunuch, “happened” to be reading a passage in Isaiah prophesying Jesus’ death that he couldn’t understand. The encounter began by Philip asking a simple question: “Do you understand what you’re reading?” (v. 30). Verse 31 provides the eunuch’s response: “’How can I,’ he said, ‘unless someone explains it to me?’” Through Philip’s elaboration of “the good news” (v. 35), he accepted Jesus right there! And the eunuch’s salvation was part of God’s plan to take the gospel to all ends of the earth!

And finally, among many others, there’s the conversion of the “God-fearing” Italian centurion in Acts 10, where Peter not only shared the gospel, but also was convicted about his own prejudice. That’s the power of the gospel, and yet another reason we’re called to share it—we’re changed in the process, too!

Your Backyard

I think the story of how my brother gave my Bible away also is worth telling. He was in the airport, on his way back from the conference on prayer. He still had the bright-colored band on his wrist that he had been required to wear to events all week. A woman working at the airport approached him. Pointing to the band, she asked:

“What’s that from?”

“A conference,” he said, and gave her details about the event.

Interested, she peppered him with more questions:

“Do you have to be a Christian to go?”
“What else did you do there?”
“Do you pray to Mary?”

He answered her questions, and asked if she had a Bible to get more answers. She mentioned she might have one “somewhere on a shelf,” but wasn’t sure.

“You can take mine,” he said, fishing for it and handing it to her.

She got excited. “Wow, this is really nice—you’re giving this to me? I’ve been wanting to read the Bible; I’ll start after work!”

“Great,” he said, and pointed her to some specific books of the Bible that further addressed her questions.

Taking Every Chance

That encounter could have gone many different ways. God gave the opportunity, but my brother had to choose to be used by speaking openly to a stranger rather than deflect conversation, as we can be tempted to do in such situations. But because he responded to the opportunity, trusting God to give Him the words to say, someone heard more about Jesus, got a new Bible that she’s probably reading right now, and may have her life revolutionized by The Cross.

Some people are in a spiritual position that all they need to receive life everlasting is for a stranger to ask them one, pointed question about salvation. Others would never respond to that, but may be persuaded by more practical gestures of love over time. We can’t make that call; only He can. But we can use every kind of opportunity He gives us to go and tell.