Perseverance in Love

Love is never just bliss.

Even Song of Songs, in its celebration of pure, romantic love, touches a somber reality: the potential for inevitable conflict to upset a couple’s felicity. And the moral of this aspect of the story is in how the couple deal with it rightly—keeping their relationship firmly intact.

The “Foxes” and Desire
Chapter 2: 14-17

Discussion of discord begins pretty early in the book. Near the end of Chapter Two, as the couple plot their countryside getaway (which occurs right after the first reference not to awaken or arouse love), the Lover (or, by some interpretations, the Beloved,) says amid their elation: “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards are in bloom” (v. 15). Generally, as the verse says, foxes were known for destroying crops. However, given the context it is not believed they are talking about literal foxes and vineyards, but instead “metaphorically for some problems in their relationship” Deere, pg. 1015 (The Bible Knowledge Commentary). Commentators have surmised on the couple’s conflicts:

The foxes represent as many obstacles or temptations as have plagued lovers through the centuries. Perhaps it is the fox of uncontrolled desire which drives a wedge of guilt between a couple. Perhaps it is the fox of mistrust and jealousy which breaks the bond of love. Or it may be the fox of selfishness and pride which refuses to let one acknowledge his fault to another. Or it may be an unforgiving spirit which will not accept the apology of another. These foxes have been ruining vineyards for years and the end of their work is not in sight Deere, pg. 1016 (quoting S. Craig Glickman, A Song for Lovers, pg. 49 – 50).

Whatever the problems, however, the couple were still deeply committed to each other. In the following verse, the Beloved says, “My lover is mine and I am his” (v. 16a). The next verse is said to be the Beloved expressing a desire to be sexually intimate with her Lover, and was probably made to herself, as a soliloquy (flashback to literature class!): “Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my lover, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills” (v. 17). She is probably wishing for the intimacy to last all night (“until the day breaks and the shadows flee”) and that her lover would be like the “gazelle or young stag” on the “rugged hills.” The “rugged hills” are often believed to be a reference to her breasts Deere, pg. 1016 (clever use of imagery and metaphor—another one for Lit class!). Despite the desire to be with her lover physically, at this point the couple still use restraint in their relationship by not having sex before their wedding Deere, pg. 1016.

I think it is interesting that the desire for physical intimacy—but the couple not acting on it— is expressed right after a discussion of conflict, especially at this point in their relationship. One obvious observation is that it is an indicator their love is stronger than any conflict. But further, I think it speaks to the practical, essential relationship skills that come with reserving sex for marriage. Through waiting, the couple deepened their devotion to each other—they learned they couldn’t just give into their whim—even if they really wanted to at the moment. If they had a problem, they had to work on it – without bringing sex into the picture (how often is sex—or other forms of physicality—used as a weapon or a means of avoidance!) That tenacity in purity is the same the couple would apply in marriage to overcome disagreements, the worries of life and other “foxes” along their love journey. Perseverance in purity is a practice with discernable dividends!

Beloved’s Dream of Love Lost
Chapter 3: 1-4

Perhaps a “fox” that could have crept into the relationship is doubt, which is addressed right after the Beloved’s “rugged hills” soliloquy, at the beginning of chapter 3 (although there is no such direct reference for doubt as a “fox”—but I think a valid tie-in linking this passage to the conflict theme that can be supported given the proximity of this section to the “foxes” verse).

After their getaway, which concludes in chapter 2, the couple part, going back to their own homes. In Chapter 3: 1- 4, Beloved has a dream that she looks for “the one her heart loves,” but is unable to find him (v. 1). She goes through the city searching for him, even asking watchmen who guard the city if they have seen him. They cannot help her (v. 3).

When she finally does find him, verse four gives her account: “I held him and would not let go till I had brought him to my mother’s house, to the room of the one who conceived me” (v. 4). The commentary explains the dream well: “When a person loves another deeply, it is natural to fear losing him or her. In her dream she lost her lover and sought to find him. The repeated expression of ‘the one my heart loves’ (once in each of these four verses) revealed the depth of her love…” Further, she took him back to her mother’s house, the place where, at this point, she feels the most security— where she had been conceived Deere, 1016. But note – no sex!

On Fear

I also find it noteworthy that Beloved’s fear of losing her Lover is mentioned at this point, somewhat far along in their relationship--courtship. The fear is not defined; it does not say what could make her lose him. Surmising, it could be fear of circumstances out of their control, such as death, or perhaps trepidation that, for some reason, the wonderful bond of love they have could be broken. Whatever it is, it is still present well into their relationship—and overcoming it drives Beloved to seek assurance that love is not lost –reassurance from her Lover himself, and in a place of security, her mother’s home.

I also think it is worth mentioning again that Beloved speaks of this fear rather than the Lover. Granted, as the commentary points out, fear of losing a lover is something both men and women experience. But in light of previous discussions about a man making a woman secure about his love, and the need for women especially to guard their hearts given what we (women) tend to sacrifice when we do not, I also think it can be another reminder for a man that if this fear can exist later in a relationship, it can most assuredly be present earlier—and prevent a couple from getting close to one another. While earlier in a relationship neither party can give an assurance of “forever,” it is useful for the man, under the “security” umbrella, to show a commitment to developing the relationship at least in the short term, as God leads (and she should also—but I think he should take the lead).

Further, even as both male and female guard their hearts early on, there is a need to do so without putting up walls that block a couple from openness. Personally, I think that’s a challenging line to walk—on the one hand, there are no guarantees that opening up to someone else will bring love—but without openness, there is no potential for love, at God’s direction, to be cultivated. In short—we can’t protect ourselves from all feelings of hurt or heartbreak, but I think that as we approach the potential for godly romantic love with faith, He’ll give us the wisdom—and confidence— to navigate those situations. But developing love—and maintaining it—is work!

“Foxes” in Matrimony

The Conflict
Chapter 5: 2-4

The book also shows the couple were tested in marriage. In chapter five, after the “honeymoon” (which I will hit in the next entry), they settle into life as one, with its challenges. Chapters Five and Six describe a dream Beloved had about a disagreement between the couple—and their make-up. The commentary I have been using for the book describes the “problem,” verses 5: 2-8, as “the wife’s indifference, the husband’s absence” Deere, pg. 1020. Beloved is in their bedroom alone, and the Lover comes knocking on their locked bedroom door late, at night (v. 2).

But her response is not of the “young stag or gazelle on a rugged hill” variety of Chapter 2: 17 (sorry—couldn’t resist!). Instead, she is annoyed, not wanting to get it. She says, “I have taken off my robe, must I put it on again? I have washed my feet—must I soil them again?” (5:3).

As stated, the passage is a dream, and not much, if anything, is said about why the couple had the dispute, so I do not want to guess too much. But, given what has already been discussed, it would not a stretch to say that the Lover’s absence and late return could have had something to do with Beloved’s chill response to her husband’s request—perhaps she had expected him sooner.

Whatever her resistance, however, she eventually gives in and attempts to open the door for her Lover. In verse four, she describes: “my lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.” This is one of those verses that you may have heard interpreted very differently—in the “young stag” vein—okay, that was the last time—but apparently, the reference can very well be interpreted literally rather than figuratively: “the Hebrew expression translated my heart began to pound for him is used elsewhere to express pity or compassion…not to express sexual arousal as some scholars have maintained” Deere, 1020 (note: for what it is worth, the commentary I’m using was written by Dallas Theological Seminary faculty, although denomination—including the lack of it— often does not appear to determine how this book is interpreted, at least not in my limited study). From that perspective, here the Lover makes a hurried effort to open the door (i.e., the literal door), but is unsuccessful.

By the time the Beloved gets up to unlock it, however, her Lover is gone! Verse five says that when Beloved touched the door handle it was covered in myrrh, a fragrance then associated with lovemaking. The Lover very well could have put it there “as a token affection for his Beloved...wanting more than relief from the discomfort of the night air” (Deere, pg. 1020- 1021). Perhaps he, too, had become angry at her hesitance and needed time to cool off, but the passage does not say that—and, in fact, the Lover does not speak again until Chapter 6:4, when the couple reconcile.

The Separation
Chapter 5: 5-16

The sequence that follows further shows the couple’s love was greater than any disagreement. After the Beloved realizes her Lover has gone, she tries to find him. In fact, as she looks she is beaten by night watchmen patrolling the city (v. 7), who mistake her for a criminal Deere, pg. 1021. Again, the reference can be interpreted as a need for security from her Lover, and her pain without him.

But Beloved does not stop her search there. She asks her friends, the Daughters of Jerusalem (as mentioned in the last entry, they were probably female inhabitants of the city), to help her find him. She also says in the second part of verse eight that if they find him, they should tell him that she is “faint with love”—a return to language she used earlier in their relationship, at least once (see Chapter 2: 3 – “Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love.”)

The Friends’ reply gives the Beloved a chance to express why she loves her Lover so. They ask her in verse nine: “How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women? How is your beloved better than others, that you charge us so?”

The response is a flurry of praise for her Lover, from verses 10-16, highlighting her attraction to both his appearance and character. She begins, “my lover is radiant and ruddy” (i.e., dark and handsome; a physical reference), “outstanding among ten thousand” a reference to his character) (v. 10). She ends the praise for her lover beautifully in verse 16: “His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.”

Renewal
Chapter 6

Here, the couple finally reunite. At this point, Beloved knows to find him in his garden, where spices and lilies grow (v. 2). The commentary explains the reference indicates “their separation was more in the emotional realm than in the spatial, for she had apparently always known his whereabouts” Deere, pg. 1021. Further, spring time was the setting in which their love initially blossomed, so the nod to the garden also can be seen as “springtime” in their hearts—a revival of their love.

Their reencounter does not begin with them rehashing the argument, trying to decide who was right or wrong. Instead, it starts with mutual praise. Deere, pg. 1021. Beloved says she is her Lover’s and he, hers (6:3). The Lover also showers Beloved with praise for her beauty and character, even giving her some of the same compliments about her appearance that he did on their wedding night (v. 4-9).

Verses 11-12 near concludes the couple’s reconciliation with a lament referencing their return to spring. The Lover (or Beloved), says: “I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley; to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom. Before I realized it, my desire set me among the royal chariots of my people.” Although verse 12 (“Before I realized it…my people”) is considered “one of the most difficult verses in the Bible to interpret” because it can be translated many different ways in the Hebrew (speaking of romance, lol), whatever it means, the Lover is expressing how he is still enamored by his long-time woman, who, as translated from Hebrew, “enraptures” him (or he her). Deere, pg. 1021. Call this conclusion tacky, but I cannot resist this one either:

The foxes have fallen, and Love has scored!

Withstanding the Winds: The Biblical Definition of Love

How do we know if someone really loves us, romantically, or that we love another?

That question reminds me of Cher’s “Shoop Shoop Song,” otherwise known as “It’s in His Kiss” (we used to sing it at sleepovers in middle or high school): that you know whether a man loves you not from his embrace, looking into his eyes, his charm—or even his actions—it’s all about that mouth-to-mouth connection!

Amusing or not, we kind of do like to answer that question based on the “intangibles,” not the practical. We want to be with that person who makes us feel a certain way—not necessarily the person who does the right things. And we often do not evaluate our own love for someone else based on the tangible.

Despite the fact that appraising love by the unseen (i.e., feelings), is not completely meritless—I think the “intangibles” can play some role in the analysis (but although I like that Cher song, I can’t co sign on the kissing factor; I think it’s more like, love me so well without kissing me so when we do eventually kiss, i.e, down the road, your love will be so good there’s no way the kiss could be bad—take that, lol)—those unseen factors should not be the foundation for deciding whether love exists.

A "Corinthians” Love

That famous passage on love, 1 Corinthians 13, is a much better, sustainable measure—the best, the “most excellent way” (1 Cor. 12: 31b) . Verses four through seven are especially key. I’ll state the attributes, verse by verse, line by line, so they are not missed:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

None of us, on our own, possess all these characteristics. Sure, we can check off a few of them, but having each one—in romantic (and other) relationships—takes work, spiritual grit! As Song of Songs indicates, the couple possessed them. And for any love to last, they must be present—in both people. Further, to possess them we must be willing to practice them daily. I believe in praying these verses—and checking my motives based on them. They are so powerful, challenging —and handy!

Love is not just a “warm fuzzy feeling” that we get when a certain somebody enters the room. It must also be a job—a commitment to another that involves relentless work. A big part of how you know someone loves you (or that you love another) is not by necessarily getting all these things right all the time (no one can), but by having enough connection to another to make godly love the constant relationship aim. It’s also the way that a couple can avoid ”falling out of love”—i.e, "out of sacrifice," for each other, not allowing conflict to overtake devotion.

Romantic love flourishes when the one—and the other—make the selfless Corinthians commitment—and keep it. And we must always remember that there is The One, The Only, who fulfills His promise of love to us everyday—and has since before the beginning of time. Love that draws from Him can only be vibrant and renewed— go the distance—sunrise to sunset; in springtime and winter.