Before I discuss the book I’ll reiterate that God’s Word constantly addresses that pursuing an understanding of love – of all kinds – is so important. Particularly, throughout the New Testament believers are admonished to "put on” a series of virtues that end with love as the highest calling. One of my favorites is 2 Peter 1: 5-8:
“5For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
How do we make “every effort,” particularly in the context of love? I believe that, at the most fundamental level, it begins with pursuing a mental understanding of it based on God’s Word.
Romans 12: 2 highlights how critical our mind is for walking in righteousness in every area of our lives:
“Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed, by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to approve his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
The Bible teaches that God is Love. To say that He is Love is to be reminded that He is completely self sufficient, and that He defines what we desire. If love is defined as Him – and by Him – any understanding that we get independent from His principles is inferior.
Yet we often fail to renew our thinking about love, instead investing heavily in the world’s definition of it – to our own demise.
God’s People – and the rest of our world – are in need of a Better Way, God’s Way. To borrow from the book, “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships,” a current campaign at my church, a CD I recently purchased, another book (all of which spurred the title!), we need a “Love Revolution.”
OVERVIEW
In “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships,” the failed view of romantic love that even Christians heavily follow, dubbed “The Hollywood Formula,” is described:
Hollywood Formula
1. Find the Right Person.
2. Fall in Love.
3. Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future
fulfillment.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.
(p. 24-28).
Results
Some of the results of this model were described by looking at a national study on today’s young adults reflecting on romantic love after witnessing failed relationships in their families:
“I don’t know if I believe in marriage.”(p. 49-50)
“I get close to someone, then the same thing always happens. I’m
scared to death to make a commitment. “
“I don’t know how marriage is supposed to work, but I know I grew up
in a family where it didn’t.”
“I’ve got unresolved issues and unresolved pain and a lot of fear about relationships."
“I want intimacy and I long to be connected with someone else, but my heart got ripped out and no one helped me cope with the pain. They said I’d get over it. Well, I’m not over it. I’m afraid to go into new relationships.”
Based on the book, a test for whether you follow the Hollywood Model is if your belief of God’s plan for love in your life – or others’ – rises and falls based on your (or others’) dating circumstances. Are you despondent about a “failed search” with dating? Is your perspective changed only when a “great person” comes into your life? These are signs of following the Hollywood Formula.
THE Alternative: “God’s Prescription for Relationships”
Thanks be to God for another way! I love the book’s description of The Alternative, beginning with a verse summing it up:
“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant offering.” ~ Ephesians, 5:1-2 NASB
God’s Prescription
1. Become the right person.I do not want to get into the book’s descriptions of the steps because I think they are better read directly. However, I will share some thoughts I have on the formula.
2. Walk in love.
3. Fix your hope on God and seek to please him through this relationship.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.
Pondering the Prescription
I think there’s a danger of not really appreciating how significant – and different – God’s prescription for love is compared to the world’s.
In looking at step one, we may be tempted to interpret that in some societal “self-realization” mantra such as “in order to love someone else you have to love yourself first.” But becoming the right person God’s way requires much more than just initial self love. I would summarize step 1 as following Christ’s example in Philippians 2. I also see Galatians 5:22-23, the passage on the “fruit of the spirit,” as the result of being the “right person” who is an “imitator of God”:
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
[i.e., these traits are always positive!]
Before fruit can “become” fruit, it has to be cultivated, grown. As we strive, through His power, to be the people God calls us to be, He is able to refine us, which gives us the ability to execute love (step 2). Further, we can only remain the right person and walk in love as we seek Christ daily (Step 3). And when we fall short of the ideal, we can freely repeat it – and watch ourselves grow in love!
The Two Formulas, Juxtaposed
Hollywood's Formula
1. Find the Right Person.
2. Fall in Love.
3. Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfillment.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.
God's Prescription
1. Become the right person.
2. Walk in love.
3. Fix your hope on God and seek to please him through this relationship.
4. If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.
By contrast, when we repeat Hollywood’s model, we set ourselves up for a despondency to which no Christian is called. I do not think that we as Christians grasp the fact that being down or despondent about romantic love is an attitude that cannot exist under God’s model of love because it focuses on circumstances. By contrast, God’s way of love is unconditional – trusting, hopeful, and strong – quite radical in our world!
Both formulas end with “repeat,” but only one brings success. God’s prescription says that “finding” love is about being a constant imitator of God, not finding the right person. Experiencing romantic love God’s way is about how you choose to live, not who you meet.
There’s that famous quote defining insanity as doing the same thing over and over but expecting to get different results. But in this context it is comforting to know that despite the fact that we mess up trying to implement God’s model, repeating it is not insanity, it helps us get better, God-honoring results!
Further, throughout the book strategies for understanding God’s prescription for relationships are described. Special notes are presented for people who are married, single or dating. Each chapter also ends with questions for self evaluation.
The Final Chapter
The last chapter of the book could not cover a more important topic: sexual purity, an integral part of romantic love God’s way. The author refers to walking in purity, so contrary to the world’s perspective, as “The Second Sexual Revolution.” As a card-carrying member of The Movement, I truly appreciated this theme. I will present the steps provided, verses quoted, and leave it you to read about each!
The Author’s Description on How to Launch A Revolution
We must develop:
I. A New Way to Think About Sexuality
II. A New Way to Attract the Opposite Sex
III. A New Way to Relate to the Opposite Sex
I. A New Way to Think About Sexuality: Three Radical Claims
-Radical Claim #1: Sex is Sacred: “Until you…recognize that sex is sacred to God, [you] haven’t joined the revolution” - Hebrews 13:4 (p. 186-187)
“4Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
4 Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (NKJV)”
Radical Claim #2: Sex is Serious - 1 Corinthians 6: 15-20 (p. 188-189)
“15Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh."[a] 17But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.
18Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. 19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”
Radical Claim #3: Sex is Grave Responsibility- 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 (p. 189-192)
“It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4that each of you should learn to control his own body[a] in a way that is holy and honorable, 5not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. 7For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.”
II. A New Way to Attract the Opposite Sex: Three Radical Ways of Attraction – I Peter 3:3-4 (p. 192-199)
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
Principle defined with the acronym “I.O.U,” for the first letter of each element below:
Radical Way #1: Develop Inward Character
Radical Way #2: Develop Outward Modesty
Radical Way #3: Develop Upward Devotion [to God]
III. Learn A New Way to Relate to the Opposite Sex: Three Points (p. 200-206)
1. Start Out as Friends
2. Treat Others [including our love interests] as Brothers and Sisters in Christ: “What would happen in every relationship with the opposite sex among Christians if we treated people as brothers and sisters in Christ?” (p. 204) - 1 Timothy 5:1-2
"1Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.“
[My note: This really helps when considering physical temptations!]
3. Make the Spiritual Growth and Well-being of Others Your Number One Priority: “Here’s the primary question you can ask of every relationship: ‘In this relationship with my brother or sister in Christ, am I helping him or her become more like Christ?” (p. 205)
[Note how every step is about what you do – not the other person!]
CONCLUSION
We have this mistaken belief that seeing love God’s way is an option: if we choose to follow His commands, it’s cool – maybe we’ll get an “extra blessing” or two, but it’s no big deal if we don’t. But when we look at the dismal state of love in our world, the reality is that our relationships can afford nothing less than God’s way. God forgives, but we still miss out on experiencing love as He intends for us when we choose another, inferior way.
Powerful Medicine
Imagine if every Christian joined The Revolution? We would have fully fulfilling, God-honoring relationships that win souls in the process!
Picture having the antidote for hundreds of millions dying from some disease, but choosing to toss it out. That’s what we do when we ignore God’s prescription for love. But when we adopt it, no matter what our pasts, we experience healing, albeit painful at first. As the book notes, God’s antidote is “powerful medicine”:
“Like today’s cancer-fighting drugs, God’s prescription may feel as if it’s killing you on the way to giving you life. It will create immediate and painful confrontations in your life [against] the status quo. Effective medicine is like that. But we’ve been convinced by the world that God’s prescription won’t taste good or do any good. Instead, we’ve become used to taking the sickening sweet potion offered by the world and have refused to recognize the deadly side affects it brings. (p. 183)”
Epilogue
My Prayer for You (p. 212)
…[Father,] help us think differently about our sexuality, help us attract others with integrity and honesty, and help us relate in truthful and helpful ways with each other. Give us your strength to become the right kind of people, to grow and walk in love, to fix our hope on you and walk in your light. Give us the quiet courage to participate in the second sexual revolution in our culture. In Christ’s name. Amen.”
Here’s a link to order the book, which also includes an excerpt from the first chapter and the back cover.
Take Him at His Word when He says there is A Better Way – The Best Way. If you haven’t already, join The Revolution- and experience the radical transformation that comes with it.
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