I was having lunch at a State Bar event, of all places, when I got into a conversation about defining compatibility. The gist of most comments was that having “things in common” such as family background, interests and “chemistry” are signs two people are “meant to be.” But missing from the conversation was the most important element for a follower of Christ: the spiritual connection.
I have always believed that relationships are costly endeavors that should only be entered in limited circumstances. Before 2000, however, those "circumstances" sounded something like the coversation I had at the State Bar Event. As I shared in my entry last August about my purity journey, that was the year I started college and had to decide the kind of guys I would be open to dating as an adult. At that point God reinforced that I should only be dating Christians (that’s not my focus here, but see this message series that does a great job of breaking down why).
But little did I know that there is so much more to relationships God’s way than whether a person is saved. Since then He’s been teaching me a series of principles –some quite simple, others deeper, that have been life to me. While they may be considered too rigid by some, I believe they are biblically supported and dramatically cut drama. I am by no means claiming to be a relationship expert – I have no such credentials – but I have avoided some pitfalls by choosing not to compromise in key areas. I also have learned from my mistakes.
Overarching Principle
The underlying assumption I want to state before beginning is that all romantic decisions should be made based on His leading in a specific situation. I do not believe that there is a cookie cutter path to a God-pleasing romantic relationship, but there are clear guidelines. God has the power to change anyone’s heart or situation – He is a healer, a transformer – The Redeemer. He can take the least honoring relationships and turn them into unions for His glory. But the conversation is not about what God can fix, but what He desires for us from the outset. Following Jesus is a radical, costly endeavor that is meant to involve complete obedience. Living for Christ is not about getting what we want through compromise with God, but making decisions that honor Him best. It is seeking "my utmost for His highest," if you will. Let’s get to it.
Principle 1: Personality can be the biggest false positive.
In all the talk about looks not being everything we can forget that personality isn’t, either. We often get sold on people romantically because our demeanors gel: We get along. We have fun together. We have similar interests. We can talk “for hours.” While those qualities are not wrong in themselves, we can end up making much more of them than we should – to the point that we overlook someone’s spiritual condition.
But from a biblical perspective personality cannot make up for spiritual shortcomings. Before we enter a romantic relationship we are to consider the other’s spiritual state. If it doesn’t measure up we are to look the other way – no matter how much “personality” the love interest has.
I think it helps to be reminded that if you are a pleasant, social or otherwise agreeable person, you are bound to meet different kinds of people who might attest to your shared compatibility. They may even think of you as “The One.” How we as Christians sort through the “hype” is by recognizing that our place on earth is to glorify God – not just to find someone we get along with and could make us happy. A great personality without the key spiritual ingredients does not bring God glory. When we look at it from this perspective, the number of “compatible” people dwindles – for the better.
And what is the right spiritual condition? Ties to the next principle.
Principle 2: It's not enough to be with another Christian who loves God very much - beliefs matter.
This area can stir controversy in Christian circles. Some say as long two people are Christians and “living for God,” in a relationship it really does not matter much whether they believe significantly different teachings about God’s Word, or have differing “doctrines.” But I am convinced that from a “best” perspective – i.e., in considering what honors God the most – it does matter.
Notable differences in beliefs usually do not end with theology – they translate into differences in lifestyle. In other words, if you make “x” lifestyle choice based on your faith and the other saved person can’t understand it or does not do the same, chances are you can trace it to your differing understanding of the Bible. If the only matters of faith you discuss with someone else are general, such as "why faith is important" or "why I love God" you might initially be deceived – you have to dig deeper to find out what a person really believes about God. As the saying goes, the devil is in the details.
Differing doctrine can easily detract from spiritual growth and the relationship – especially in marriage, where God intends complete unity. When there are fundamental differences in beliefs the main options are to 1) agree to disagree; 2) compromise or 3) flat out divide. If we genuinely hold our beliefs based on scripture, however, none of these are good or right options.
One way for two people to determine compatible beliefs initially (observing someone’s life over time being the ultimate) is to visit each other’s churches. I personally believe some minor differences are okay, such as music style (e.g., hymns or contemporary music). But when the preacher gets up to give a message, hopefully from the Word of God – i.e., The Source, The Guide, The Power, The Hope, The Transformation, The Life– you should agree with what is being taught. I think some red flags are if you generally find the message is lacking in substance or plain disagree. It is not our responsibility in relationships to plot how we can change someone else’s beliefs, and when we are romantically interested in someone we may easily be tempted to compromise our spiritual judgment by opening ourselves up to beliefs we know are questionable to keep a relationship going. In doing so we may hinder our ability to discern His good, pleasing and perfect will. And it is downhill from there.
The bottom line is our faith is supposed to be our heartbeat. When we compromise it, we are messing with living the abundant life God intends. We need to jealously guard the kinds of beliefs we are open to because the wrong ones choke our faith. I believe those not in agreement with you spiritually in heart, mind and lifestyle are not intended to capture your romantic emotion. Your significant other must be able to help you thrive spiritually, or you are being held back. PERIOD.
Next: On the kind of person I believe lifts you up.
Principle 3: You must have complete trust in who a person is in Christ.
Life lets us know clearly that people always fail us somehow, either by their choices or situations out of their control. However, scripture teaches that God never fails. Psalm 118: 8 says it well: “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man” (KJV). We also can understand the faithfulness of God from our own lives.
I believe putting confidence in God has to extend to the character of a mate. You have to be able to trust that they are so rooted in Christ that no matter how rough life gets, they will never stray far from The Source. The Bible says these kinds of people do exist – and describes them:
7 But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,It is interesting that the very next verse is “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (v. 9). Left to our own devices, our good is worthless – like filthy rags. If we’re putting hope in someone else to love us and make us happy, we are doomed.
whose confidence is in him.
8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.
But when a person’s confidence is in Christ, they overcome whatever challenges life brings because He is their Lifegiver. This is not to say they will be perfect– but they will not get stuck in their sin. When you can trust their relationship in Christ, you know disagreements will be momentary and shortcomings can be put in perspective because, ultimately, their eyes are fixed on The Grandest picture.
Further, a person devoted to Christ will always know how to love you best because they are relying not on their own ability to be a good lover or what they feel for you at the moment, but on the biblical definition of love. I like how it was put in part two the message series on compatibility that I referred to earlier: “You want someone whose Number One is God…[not] someone who replaces God with you on the throne of their lives.” When we place someone else over God, we idolize them. And idols always fail to meet our expectations. When God is first in our lives, however, our worlds will never come crashing down. God wants us with people who understand that!
As Christians we are on this earth to glorify God. Anyone who wants to take you on a detour from faith depending on circumstances is outside what God intends. It also means that we must all be the kind of people who do not waver – as we evaluate others’ shortcomings, we need to check ourselves!
Principle 4: Interaction amounting to "holy lust” should not result in a relationship.
I believe there is a place for assessing factors of compatibility beyond the spiritual – yet still in a spiritual context. I don’t think I’ve coined the term “holy lust,” but I do sort of claim it. In this context holy lust is when you have admiration for someone that is related to Christ on some level, but ultimately there are too many elements of compatibility missing for it to be a God-made match.
My experience with holy lust in college will be Exhibit A. Junior year (2003) I met a guy whom I admired very much spiritually. We shared the same beliefs and he had a zeal for God that drew you to him. I also was very physically attracted to him. But we had little else that connected us. It amounted to the following equation:
Spiritual admiration + Deep Physical Attraction + Nothing Else (0) = holy lust
But holy means to be set apart, so all that was really left standing is plain lust.
Some of the many issues? We not only had very different goals, he also couldn't understand mine. When I would talk about law school plans, he would literally cringe (I don't remember doing the same to him, but then again I couldn't see my face). Also, if we weren't talking about faith there would be absolute silence. Additionally, as great as he was, I had very serious doubts about how he would express his faith in difficulty. I also did not think I could give him the encouragement he'd need in those moments, nor did I believe that he would be able to do the same for me. Although in Christ all things are possible, we are again not to seek the possible but His perfect will. God let me know - startlingly clearly - that this man, great as he was objectively, was not for me. It took me a little while to grasp what God was telling me -- but once I did I had no option but to praise Him for letting me know before we got into a relationship.
I believe whomever God wants you with should be excited about His plans for you--and how yours and theirs fit. As I’ve said, they should challenge, strengthen and encourage us to thrive in Christ. And we should want the very best for that person – better than ourselves. Situations of “holy” lust really just mean that, in another way, the necessary spiritual factors are not met.
Principle 5: There are not that many people out there to be dating.
A reaction to these principles may be that they all sound lovely in theory, but they are unrealistic – there are not many people out there who meet these criteria.
That is partially true. Setting sound standards in dating, however, is meant to eliminate people at the outset (i.e., save you the emotional drama)– which is why I think a red flag can be spending too much time dating different people. Yes, God in His power can bring several potential mates around you at once – but more often than not when quantity of dates increase, the number of people who meet God’s standards do not rise with it. Every male or female you lock eyes with on the train; strike up a conversation with in the coffee shop or meet at the lounge is not a potential mate. Dating a lot can also can also cause us to start putting matchmaking into our own hands. We begin to tell ourselves, albeit subconsciously, that our efforts will yield the desired return. And when they do not, our mood can easily begin to rise and fall based on how our dating plan is going. Worse, we turn our focus away from God. We start spinning wheels –supposedly moving, but going nowhere – and we may even end up taking steps back. If our dating life is not rooted in Christ, all our efforts are worthless.
I had my own bout with trying to make a relationship happen my first semester of law school in 2005. At that time I dabbled in the idea that in dating "heaven helps those who help themselves” (i.e., not a biblical reference). I had moved out of my parents' house (temporarily:)), was carless and needed to find a Metro-accessible place to worship on Sunday morning. Hoping to feed my spiritual life and my romance, I started looking for churches that had both good preaching and single men. I never found the two together; it was one or the other. I ended up in some interesting places that claimed one thing but taught another.
The last straw was visiting this one church in December 2005 that had relatively good preaching (note the compromise in that statement) and touted a great “singles” Bible study. I came back to the church later that week just to attend. I remember being livid when I arrived to find only three participants, all over the age of 40. One man looked at me a little too excitedly, and I glared at him. That day I realized I could not live that way. I said, “LORD, this is emotionally draining – and I’m not even getting anything out of this spiritually! I am leaving the matchmaking to you.” I have never since gone to church for a date. That was one of the best decisions I could have made.
If we want to go after something, ladies – and men – we should chase holiness; chase righteousness. God’s Word is clear that this is the only pursuit that is never in vain – it always reaps dividends. Want to learn how to be content in singleness and be open to God providing someone in His time? Get in fellowship with other believers. Read your Word daily. Find ways to serve. And we don’t do these things for what we’ll get from God, but so we can live the life He intends for us. You’ll start to find that not having a man or woman won’t leave you desperate and alone. Even when God does bring someone in your life it is still important to allow Him to steer in His timing, and to be open to Him having other plans. If you’re pursuing righteousness at all times, you’ll have the tools to develop a godly romance if and when He provides--and check your motives daily throughout the process. My prayer is that we give this area to Him completely!
Principle 6: God is not limited by statistics.
The principle that rebuts the idea that setting strong, biblical standards in dating leads to romantic impossibility is to remember Who is in control of all things. If we really recognized God’s power it would change how we view His ability to provide us a mate in His timing despite what Census data may indicate. A passage I am meditating on this summer is Colossians 1. My favorite section is titled in the NIV “The Supremacy of Christ” (NKJV says the “Prominence of Christ;” NASB “The Incomparable Christ”). Verses 15 – 17 start the section:
15He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. 17He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.I love that He is the “firstborn over all creation” (v. 15) and that He holds all things together (v. 17). If we truly believed this, it would change our outlook in dating and beyond. We would know that He is taking complete care of all things, and we would rest comfortably in the fact that he can provide someone where there seems to be no one.
Principle 7: In relationships we need to learn from our past mistakes and forgive each other.
The last principle I’ll share is an underlying one of sorts. I think it is important to distinguish standards from judgment. Setting principles in relationships should not be to “eliminate” people based on their past mistakes, but instead to evaluate them based on God’s standards as a whole. None of us is perfect, so it is impossible to find someone who is. It is only through God working in us that we can be different. This recognition should humble us all. We honor God by learning from our relationship errors and committing to godliness in relationships moving forward. While I believe couples should be frank about their relationship histories– including missteps, once they are addressed they should be buried forever – not brought up to manipulate or otherwise harm. Someone who hangs your past over your head is not practicing godly love -- it must include accepting each other just as we are – the way God does for all of us.
Note
I believe that as we seek Him, God reveals to us principles in dating that are to be followed. At the same time, we should learn from our mistakes and use them for His glory. Decisions in dating should be made with marriage in mind: we should desire to save our very best for the person God intends for us. This is the most excellent way in romantic love.
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